Tomathy Wilson: Ah, fresh in a friendly old pair of trousers. With an unusually grumpy Aubrey Holmes, we made our way to the Vienna Konzerthaus, to take the seats kindly offered by the dashing Richard Murphyarty. (Orchestra warming up) Tomathy: These are wonderful seats! Audience: Shhhh! Tomathy: Oooh, eh, sorry! But these are wonderful seats aren’t they Holmes? I can see everything from up here. And the next rows heads are down at my knees! Helloooo! Ooops-hoo-hoo! Audience: Shhhh- Holmes: I don’t understand it, it won’t come out of the box… it’s been over an hour! Tomathy: Oh you mean Mr Murphyarty in the private box with Chancellor Seipel? I know! Isn’t it remarkable that they know each other! He’s well connected is our ‘Black Velvet Man’. I hope Mr Seipel’s forgets about earlier in the cathedral, you know, when we meet them at intermission Holmes. Holmes: He just won’t fuckin’ come out. Tomathy: Well you can’t blame him Holmes. He gave us free tickets! It was maybe too much to expect he’d be sitting here with us when he has that box now with the Chancellor. But, again, these seats up here are wonderful! Audience: Sssshhh!! (SNIFF SNIFF, BHPOAH, YUCK… SHIZE, WAS IS DAS, EWW) Holmes: Come out you poisoned dwarf! I know you’re in there! Tomathy: I don’t think there are any munchkins performing in this opera Holmes! I say, this is rousing stuff isn’t it? (BURSTS INTO SONG) LALAAAA! Audience: (QUIET! SSSH! SEI RUHIG! Arschlöcher; Arschgeigen; Affenärsche; Ärsche; Scheißkerle; Wichser; blöde Säue etc). Holmes: And so it begins… Tomathy? Tomathy: (REACHES INTO TROUSERS) Unfgh. Unnn! Holmes: Keep your hand out of there, there’s people lookin’ at us! Audience: (DISQUIET) Tomathy: (Zip) Hello! Fancy seeing you here! You like opera too? Oh-oh-oh-oh! Holmes: He’s takin’ out the whole flog! Again! Put it away, youse’ll get us arrested! Sorry! Sorry for that now. Excuse me!! Hah! Sure it was all my fault. I bet him 20 Krone he wouldn’t take out his tool. Ah Tomathy, fair play to ya. I was pinching him all the time sure! He’s great fun. Sure I’m a fuckin’ man savage. From the jungle! God know what I’m doing here amongst normal people. Youse should just shoot me. With a ball of me own shite! I’ll have one for you in a minute. Just let me clear the hair with me fingers first! Tomathy: Oh I say Holmes, that lady just below me. She’s so graceful… Uhuh… Holmes: The auld one whose face is mangled in disgust? Tomathy: She looks just like little Mary Pickford… Holmes: How fuckin’ dare you Tomathy Wilson! Mary Pickford is gorgeous. This hag wouldn’t drink her piss! Yeah, I can see you… You’re BET DOWN! Tomathy: Uhhh… She’s so alluring, bewitching, haunting, beguiling…. I think I love her… Holmes: Hah? Akskskskh, this is too much. Tomathy: Oh, hello? Hello! Hellooooo! Holmes: Stop that! Don’t touch her… Tomathy: But she’s just below my knees… Holmes: No, NO! Tomathy: Hello, hello? Hello! Tomathy: And that’s when, without knowing, I (and not for the first time) changed… Tomathy: Ugh, ugh, ugh... Holmes: Tomathy? Tomathy: I want to lick your voluminous orbs! (PANTING, RUBBING) Woman: (ANGRY GERMAN WOMAN) Holmes: (SIGH) Ah but y’are beautiful so y’are. How much for a go on your busty rack? Tomathy: Hahaha! Looks like you are causing a scene Holmes! Holmes: Tomathy Wilson, you’ve got the horn in my clean trousers and you’re behaving like a mental patient. You want this fat pasty bitch? Tomathy: Mm-mm! Holmes: Right! I’ll drive the hand in and get a load of tit for ya. Unnf, gimme the fuckin’ tit there m-yaaah! Man: GOTT! There’s a homeless oik covered in shit trying to molest my wife! Holmes: (Rips blouse) Shut up you! Don’t be so fuckin’ selfish keeping it all to yourself. Give us a feel! Tomathy: (Masturbation). (Chaos ensues)… (End of opera, applause) Seipel: Indecipherable blah blah blah! Murphyarty: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that Chancellor… but I presume you refer to the commotion up at the back? Seipel: Blah blah… Murphyarty: Isn’t it delightful! Seipel: Blah. Murphyarty: A great show! The man with the box is an animal! Haha! (INTERMISSION announcement) Murphyarty: Intermission is here! Let’s go for a drink Chancellor…. Seipel: Blah blah bluuh! Holmes: Who’s this ‘me’ business? You started it as usual. Tomathy: You are the one misbehaving! Man: Motherfucker… Holmes: Me? Seipel: Blahblahburgh.Murphyarty: Yes, quite the smell… Ah, gentlemen, some entertainment your friend provides… Too bad it wasn’t on the stage. Holmes: Hah? Nothing to do with me! Tomathy: Oh Holmes, you grabbed that lady’s bosom… Holmes: You had the cock out and were about to lick the jugs off her. Murphyarty: That may be your account, but we saw it differently Mr ‘Holmes’. I fear your type of vaudeville improvisation may not be appreciated in these rather ostentatious confines. Tomathy: Oh, I know what you mean. Holmes: How do you do that?! Tomathy: What Holmes, do what? Holmes: Just go back to normal as if nothing’s happened? It’s like there’s two o’ you. Tomathy: Haha! The only one around here with a claim to dual personality is you dear boy and that’s why we need to seek out Sigmund Freud! Murphyarty: (Cape flap) Ooh, sounds intriguing! Holmes: I actually don’t think it’s anything to do with me, but it’s certainly natin’ to do with you! Murphyarty: Mmm. Allow me to introduce my most distinguished guest of the evening, the eminent, and his grace, the Austrian Chancellor; Ignaz Seipel. (BOWS) Seipel: Blah blah blah…. Tomathy: Delighted to meet you! Seipel: Bluurgh? Tomathy: Eh, for the first time of course! Holmes: Did he just use words? Seipel: Blah blah blah blah. Tomathy: Oh hahahaha! Murphyarty: Indeed. A shower is to be hoped… Holmes: Youse can understand him? Where am I? In an asylum?! And not even a pancake to eat. Tomathy: Holmes! You forget where you are. Holmes: But, but- Seipel can’t speakle! Tomathy: Speakle-eh speak for yourself! Holmes: I can! Only just though! Mammy used to peg me by the tongue to the washing line as a child. When I had the ‘bad brains’ she said. I couldn’t stop, fuckit, fuckit, fuckit, ah bad brains! Couldn’t get the words out of my head... Tomathy: Really Holmes, spare us your stories. Seipel: Blurhgh… Tomathy: You’re embarrassing us. Seipel: Blelelehhgh. Tomathy: Chancellor Seipel is annunciating himself quite clearly.  Holmes: That’s not what you said in the church today! Murphyarty: Oh, you were at Chancellor Seipel’s sermon in the cathedral? Seipel: Blah blah blah… Tomathy: Really! Murphyarty: Did he really? How very mental of you Mr ‘Holmes’… Tomathy: Dear Aubrey lost the run of himself in church and I had to escort him outside. Chancellor Seipel, please accept my heartfelt apologies. I trust it didn’t detract too much from your exhilarating sermon. Seipel: Blughblughbubblergh. Holmes: Turncoat bastard! Hangman! User! What are ya doin’? You said he was a racist! A jew-bater! A-a-fuckin’ bollox! Tomathy: Nonsense! You’re hallucinating again. It’s that box you carry, it affects you! Holmes: As I live and breathe in your shitty trousers, you say this to me. Murphyarty: Seems this box of yours Mr ‘Holmes’ gets more and more attention. Seipel: Blah blah blah! Murphyarty: Hahaha! Yes! Very true! Tomathy: Oh for a man of God you are quite the devil. Holmes: Ahhhrgh! Bad brains! Have to get away! Run away! Away! (RUNS) Murhpyarty: Where’s he going? Tomathy: Oh he does that sometimes, most probably to talk to his box. Murphyarty: Talk to his…? Well, maybe contacting Doctor Freud is the right course of action then. But you must make haste; Tomathy: Mm! Murphyarty: For he is racing against all existence. Seipel: Blughgh. Murphyarty: As are we all! Seipel: Blugh. Tomathy: Yes, yes, I-I-I believe so. Seipel: Blurughghgh. Murpharty: Yes. You are a loyal and true friend Tomathy. And someone who must do me the honour of accepting my invitation to lunch (cape flaps), for two, tomorrow at… Café Central? Tomathy: Oh Café Central! Why, why Richard, I would be delighted! Murphyarty: That’s it settled then. But for now please you must excuse me, the Chancellor and I must discuss Austria’s economy. Seipel: Hyperinflation is the beast that must be tamed! Murphyarty: It had its agenda to carry out the bidding of its masters, but now it serves no purpose and must be killed! Seipel: Blurughghgh. Murphyarty: Good evening sir! (CAPE WAFT) Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod.