Tomathy: Four? Inside me? Four balls? When I was- Doctor Voronoff? Urgh! Why didn’t you tell me Holmes?! Holmes: I was just about to! I was too busy covering for you! Tomathy: Four balls? I can’t- I ca- (Flashback to Doctor Voronoff shooting monkey) (Holmes: Aaaagh!) (Voronoff: Let’s cut into Mr. Wilson’s scrotum… Like this…) Tomathy: Monkeys? Monkeys?! Seamus: I’ll get a bucket. Holmes: Y’see Tomathy- you didn’t know you had it in you. It’s probably why you can’t remember. Hopefully now you’ll understand. Tomathy: Is this why I want to poo in my hands? Holmes: Yep, that’s why. Now, do we have a lunch-date with ‘Black Velvet Man’ or what? Tomathy: Unnngggnnn. Bucket!! (CAFÉ CENTRAL, HERRENGASSE) Murphyarty: Chancellor Seipel, as discussed last night; there will be no social unrest. Seipel: Blah blah blah? Murphyarty: My influence extends to many eyes and ears. Seipel: Blah blah blah blah blah-? Murphyarty: Yes I was. Incarcerated twice; once in Cork, Ireland, as an enemy of the state no less, then transferred to Landsberg prison (cape waft). And now I am here, to help and guide you Chancellor… Seipel: Blah blah-blah? Murphyarty: Broke free? Haha, you joke Chancellor. I was set free. The name ‘Tarquin Madden’ mean anything to you Herr Seipel? No, I didn’t think so. Anyway none of this matters. People must perish for the future to advance, don’t you believe Herr Seipel? They have their use, and then… they don’t… You do the work you need to, for so must I. And now, I take your leave. I have guests arriving. Good day. (Cape waft). Seipel: Blah Blah Blah! Murphyarty: I’m afraid Chancellor, one cannot avoid fatalities. But I am sure, you will not be one, as this great chain of being moves on. (CLICKS FINGERS) Seamus! Seipel: Blah Blah Blah! Tomathy: Seems as if our Herr Mr Richard Murphyarty was brewing up something big in Vienna that night. Meanwhile, I picked my jaw up off the floor. From the discovery that I contained two foreign primate testes on my person, and headed once and for all to get Aubrey Holmes, and his obsession with his lunchbox, fixed! Tomathy: I told you Holmes, I’m doing it, especially now that I know what you did to me… Holmes: Me? What did I do? You wanted the spa treatment, I was the one trying to stop- You said you were in his hands-ah it’s no use, you don’t listen anymore! Gerbil: Wrong way turn back. Wrong way, turn back! I am das Über-Ich!    Holmes: Fuck up! Tomathy: Shut up, it’s ringing… Shhhsh!! Oh- oh Hello? Am I speaking to the eminent Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud? Ah hello Herr Freud. My name is Tomathy Wilson. I have a case that may be of interest to you. A-a-a- yes, Tomathy Wilson! Yes-but-yes- no, it’s not a strange name. Listen, eh- hahaha- my friend’s name is ‘Aubrey Holmes’ and he’s forgotten himself you see. Yes. Not a sausage. And he talks to his wooden lunchbox. Oh? Really? You would? Excellent! Would-eh-would-of, of course, I-would tomorrow at noon suit you Herr Freud? Marvellous! See you then. Thank you. Goodbye. (HANGS UP) Success! Gerbil: NOOOOOO! Holmes: ARGH! THE BOX! Tomathy: Success Holmes! Herr Freud accepted to see us tomorrow at noon. What the bloody hell are you doing now? Holmes: It’s not me, it’s the box, it’s vibrating, you can see it can’t ya? Tomathy: The closer we get to Freud the more you act up Holmes. Now just pull yourself together and calm down. I’m trying to come to terms with the most absurd of revelations that I contain monkey glands and they make me do involuntary things of which I’ve no control or recollection thereafter… Holmes: Can you not see it vibrating? Am I madden the- Tomathy: Atatatat! I haven’t finished! We’ve, or rather, I’ve, a lunch date with Mr. Murphyarty and you’ll not do a damn thing to cause a scene, am I clear? I blame you for all this. Holmes: Curse a fuck on it! What’s goin’ on? I’m trying to help you- Gerbil: Tick tock tick tock! He has betrayed you! He will not help y-(FADES QUICKLY) Holmes: Where, wait, what, where are ya goin’? Speak to me? Hello? HELLO? Tomathy: Ssshhhst! Ah hello Richard! So lovely to see you again in such immaculate surroundings… Murphyarty: I see Herr Wilson you have brought your most distinguished companion. Tomathy: Please forgive me Richard. He simply goes wherever I do. Were it up to me I- Murphyarty: Heheh nonsense, I am sure Mr ‘Aubrey Holmes’ will be a delight at lunch and the near 50yr old surroundings shall do wonders, to quell his temperament. Holmes: Uh? It’s stopped vibrating, soon as I sat down… devil… dark… deep devil… Murphyarty: It’s still, I can’t, you, all of you, and that box Mr. Holmes. Is it a new box? Tomathy: Oh he’s had that in his arms since the day I met him. Murphyarty: When was that? Tomathy: August 1922, in Cork, the Free State… Holmes: Any pancakes? Do you know where I can get pancakes? Murphyarty: Around the time the new leader Michael Collins was assassinated? Tomathy: That’s right! On Mbeal na MBlaaa?! We were actually- Holmes: (COUGH) He’s opened the gob full wide! (TO BOX) And you’re nowhere! Murphyarty: And tell me, because I feel as if I know you Mr. Holmes. Have you ever visited the Cork Mental Reservation? I was there, for a brief time, on matters which don’t concern this conversation. Tomathy: Remarkable! We were there too! We were investigating, well I mean, it’s all quite complicated really, there was a murder, and well I’m a bit of an amateur detective, that’s how we met, and eh, yes, we went to visit a suspect’s mother there and that’s where we then met Seamus! He was a prison guard! Can you believe it? Holmes: Who’s working for you for some unknown reason? Murphyarty: Can’t get good people anymore to do one’s bidding can you? Holmes: Why’s he staring at me? Stop looking at me ‘Black Velvet Man’! Tomathy: Holmes! Your manners! Murphyarty: Oh no damage done. This is truly wonderful. You wouldn’t believe. Tomathy: I tell you, after what I’ve just been told, I could just about believe anything. Seamus: Would you gentlemen like to order anything from the menu. Holmes: Fucksake! You are everywhere! Madhouses, beerhouses, cafehouses… Murphyarty: But not in your box mmm? … Seamus works for me; my personal manservant. He’ll do anything. (LEANS OVER TO HOLMES) Anything… Holmes: He’s fierce close to my face. I’m gettin’ an urge… Tomathy: Calm down Holmes. Richard is just teasing, aren’t you Richard. Richard? Murphyarty: Excuse me gentlemen for a moment. Seamus, come with me. Seamus: Yes mast- sir. Tomathy: Now look what you’ve done! You’ve offended him with your gestures! Holmes: Me? You stop telling him the whole lot! You can’t keep secrets! Tomathy: There are none to keep, you bounder! Unlike you, keeping the fact I have alien primate parts in my body. (Fart) Holmes: Hanging from your body actually, and you wanted it! Tomathy: I did most certainly not! And quiet! You’re doing it again… Holmes: Doing what? Making a show of you? You do that yourself! I came here to Vienna with you. Didn’t want to! But you bounced off in your monkey balls, which I tried to stop, pulling me here to see a man to brain-fuck me in some sick hope of making you happy! And then when I try to make you happy, take all the blame to save your reputation and enjoy the posh stuff, you shit on me from the heights with actual shit, in your trousers! Tomathy: Y-y-y-you didn’t tell me the truth! Holmes: No no no!Tomathy: I have been violated! Holmes: You wanted it! I told you I tried to stop you… I even fuckin’ saved you, when, when the doctor ran away! That was me! Tomathy: What do you mean? Holmes: Ask the dozy Seamus! He was there, until he ran away too! They all ran away on you Tomathy! But not me! I stayed! I cared! I sewed up your big four-ball sack and brought you back from the dead, with telephone wires! It nearly killed me so that you’d live! Tomathy: That’s it Holmes, I’ve just about-ha-ha-ha-ohohohohoh… Holmes: Uh-ooh… What’s goin’ on? Tomathy: Oh-ooh-oh-ooh-oh! Holmes: Eh, there’s a change come over your face Tomathy! What are you getting up on the table for? Tomathy: (MONKEY GRUNTS) Oh-oh-oh-oh- (UNZIPS, UNBUCKLES) Holmes: No, no, there’s no, you don’t have to take your trousers down… again… in public… especially here on top of a table… hah, Tomathy? Tomathy: (TROUSERS DOWN)… Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod.