Three conversations with clients inspired me to write about pleasurable touch, and why many people can dish it out, but they can’t take it! Let me explain.

The first client lamented the permanent closure of her rural massage center. I asked her partner if he might be able to massage her. His answer was, “Oh no, I don’t know how to do that kind of thing. I’m not a big toucher.”

The second is a long-time couple, who I know have a wonderfully loving, Facebook-perfect relationship, yet when asked why they rarely (if ever) have sex, she honestly stated, “I don’t like the way he touches me. I never have. I just don’t know how to change it.”

The third client told me he knows his wife loves to get massaged and caressed as part of their sexual warm-up. Even though he knows this is what she likes to help get her in the mood, he resists giving it to her. “I can’t do it for more than a few minutes without getting bored and wanting to escalate things sexually”, he says.

What to do? Well, here’s a secret that every great lover knows. It’s called, ‘touching for your own pleasure.’

There is so much more to touch than laying our hands on another person’s body. There’s context, intention, expectation, desire, sensation, and communication. Touch is a language not just between you and your partner’s body, but also between your hands and your brain.

Let me take you through a simple exercise to illustrate what I mean:

Step 1: Pick up a small object that fits easily into your hand. (It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as it’s easy to hold with two hands.)

Step 2: Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and start to feel the object that you’re holding. Feel its shape, its edges, its contour, its weight. Pretty easy to do, right? Your brain is registering all that information.

Step 3: As you run your fingers over the object, really slow it down. The slower you go the more detail your brain will notice about the object. You’ll find yourself noticing the temperature of the object, the texture, the hardness or softness, and the smaller things you may have missed in the first round.

Step 4: Next, feel what it’s like on your own skin. Is it pleasant to touch? If you run your hand over it, is there something about the object that gives you pleasure? Find the pleasure in what you’re touching, even if it’s just, say, its coolness on your skin, or the weight of it in your hands.

Try exploring it with more than just your fingertips, perhaps with the back of your hand or between your fingers where the skin is more sensitive. Just slow down and notice. You’ll see that slowing down heightens your awareness and awakens your curiosity.

You’ve just brought mindfulness to your touch. You’ve made the space and taken the time to go deeper into your experience and expand it to include what is already present but previously unnoticed.

Mindful touch separates the great lovers from the mediocre, the passionate from the uninspired.

Why start with an inanimate object? Because we have no obligation to make the object feel good! We’re not trying to win the object’s approval. The object has no preferences or expectations for us to meet. Touching an inanimate object is purely about our own experience.

When was the last time you sat down to pet a cat? We pet a cat to offer them pleasure, but we’re also drawn to touch the soft fur and feel it run between our fingers. We enjoy the warmth and silkiness against our hands. So, on one level we pet the cat for it’s pleasure, and on another level we pet the cat for our own pleasure.

Likewise, when we learn how to touch for our own pleasure, our lover feels the difference. The difference between being touched by someone who is having a one dimensional experience, which is giving. And being touched by someone who is also taking their own pleasure in touching. The quality of the touch will shift. It’ll become more varied rather than repetitive. Sensation will become heightened through mutual awareness.

Through mindfulness we draw out the pleasure of the moment. We’re fed by the gift we’re giving, which creates a circuit of enjoyment felt by giver and receiver alike.

Consider what you want to communicate before you touch someone. And choose the form of touch language that matches your communication.

If your partner needs to feel comforted, you may be tender, and touch gently to soothe and nurture. You might cradle or rock them in your arms or place their head on your lap and softly stroke their hair.

If you feel romantic, you might touch your partner’s cheek softly with the back of your hand, trace their lips with the tip of your finger, or run your hand along the contour of their neck .

If you feel passion rising, your touch might become more assertive; you might hold their wrists above their head. This could lead to gentle biting, light scratching, tugging their hair, and pressing up against them, body to body on the bed or against the wall. You could confidently hold, grab, and squeeze as you pull them close to you.

If you both feel playful, you might try spanking, tickling, or wrestling.

Another secret every great lover knows is that touching doesn’t have to lead to sex. Give yourselves both a break from stressful strategies, goal seeking, and the risk of unmet expectations.

When you separate sex from touch, you create an opportunity to be with what’s happening, which is enjoying touch for its own sake. By removing the destination, we’re left to slow down, look around, and enjoy the journey!

Share this chapter with your lover and decide who will be the giver and receiver. Set aside 30 minutes to explore touch from this perspective, with no other agenda.

Practice touching for your own pleasure. It’s a skill to develop over time. Just like any form of mindfulness, if you find your mind wandering, gently bring it back to the present moment.

Enjoy the mystery of your partner’s body from a place of openness, curiosity, and wonderment!

Learn more about how relationship and intimacy coaching.

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