Are you addicted to being American? With our great heroin epidemic and silly online reporter jobs. Then maybe you should consider getting kidnapped by your extended Mexican family so they can exorcise the demon inside you with a Penn & Teller routine. Have a chicken friend. Have a wicked eye scar. Have a goat's milk bukkake. These are the Old Ways.

Plus we announce all 4 movies for our October Showdown picked by the Wheel O' Ween.

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