"I was right! I needed to get home. I had me Tuborg, and safely stored in the wank-bank; the vision of Lisa Gansella’s teenage breasts to take home with me. And what’s the story with my stolen library book? Dirty bitch! Anyway, fuck that. I was going to sleep for a week and be back in time for the next Monday club and invite the lads for my free spice burgers from Dolly Stelfark’s chipper. But then there came Linda. Who is Linda? Well, nearly pinning me up against the wall with her oversized jeep, this Linda was my teenagehood ex-girlfriend-now chunky monkey mother-of-three. Yeah, THAT Linda.""I wasn't getting better! Stomach tore out of me, floods of snot out me nose, I needed another round of Falconhorst tablets before I carked it. I didn't care if I overdosed. I just needed more! Good ol' Cottle got on the phone to Broadleaf O'Hara at the factory again.""Soooo, Panda Doll not Panadol... a mix-up of packages. The dumb bitch at reception Rachel Stakkum COULD spell. She gave me animal pheromones. What had she done to me? What was I swallowing all this time? Sure I wasn't to know yet was I? I'd find out quare and quick however, Rachel was on the way to deliver me the proper medicine... And on the day of the start of the community games and all! I tell ya, I went hard at my free Tuborg in me flat after that!""Cottle's Mother, she wasn't a looker, but when she was young around town with the tight skirts, heads would turn. And I remember those swimming lessons too. Far too young to get the rise tho'. Trouble is, 30 years later she was still punching the flab into her tiny leather skirts. Eyes to the sky, don't get the rise! She's bendin' down to fix her ankle straps!""I couldn’t! I couldn’t! Could I? NO! I couldn’t! I had a bet! Free beer and Dolly’s Spice Burgers! And I was sick! But she was gorgeous, half my age. She brought me free medicine and was now naked. In my shower! What would you do?!! Hah? I nearly drove the table through the wall with the bad thoughts…"Mount Pheasant I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. We script fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod. Join us, follow, subscribe and like.