Eliana covers a trial so deranged it feels like Mad Libs: an IRS agent, a Brazilian au pair, kinky websites, and a couple who thought the move was playing house in the murder bed.

Meanwhile, Leora’s 15-year-old is confidently negotiating minivan sales like a tiny used-car shark, the dog has committed yoga-mat crimes and vanished into witness protection, and somehow IKEA meatballs used to count as “fine dining.”

Also on the docket: sweaters that “mysteriously” shrink, $7 pears with PR teams, emergency glove-box cash, and the legal system’s firm stance that you cannot — under any circumstances — agree to be eaten.

All allegedly. All unhinged. None of it legal advice.

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