a lot of previews this year

sneak peek into 2nd

and a sneak into saturn return you know the changes you need to make you are seeing what people need to change will you change too or get slapped in the face in 4 years

i woke up on april 19th wondering if my brain had changed for 25 yet 10 days before my birthday i thought nope i put on taylor swifts new album oddly enough and everything flooded to my head i wanted to talk about taylor swift previously because of all the statements she made about her 24th year and i can’t help but wonder if she knew and leaned into it

i have been trying to write this episode all year but no feeling felt permanent none of the words felt perfect but honestly i thought this year was going to be an external glow up but instead it was very much internal i get sad and complain sometimes i act to fast and come on here when i’m angry but honestly i think i’ve spent this year trying to undo the victim mindset i’ve always had im making slow changes to change to become hopefully a better version of myself

back to the taylor swift album i’m the antithesis of her it seems like similarly fueled by spite i guess but when i look at my past rarely and i honing in on how i was hurt by other people it’s more about how i hurt people and it’s been so hard to grasp my adult life has been challenging because of my past i am only getting what i deserve like i have said many times this year is karma is slapping my ass shout out jojo siwa but seriously

i can’t help but think this is my lesson that i need to learn and like stick with i got a preview to my childhood from a distance this year for a while my sibling really struggled at home and it took me back to where i was as a teenager how different we are and compartmentalize what we dealt with at home i was manipulative calculating with how i let my steam blow but it still is impacting me now they have outbursts i contained it and let it out on people who were undeserving they went to the source and said you will literally hear me roar

i feel so much older now it’s so hard to talk to someone going through something you went through who doesn’t act and think like you i’ve judged parenting a lot and my parents for sure and even if they didn’t do the best jobs i don’t think i could do it even close to as well as they did

this year i did find what makes me me i guess i read books that made me feel happy listened to music that made me feel free and honestly that’s all i wanted

i focus so much on what i don’t have instead of focusing on what i do and i don’t know where my little religious stint will go i don’t know if that is offensive i don’t know how else to describe it but i think i finally am letting all the overthinking and manipulating and controlling tendencies i’ve got to and giving it to god i guess is the best way to put it.

i ended friendships that didn’t bring me joy, adopted habits to add joy like walking, i tried to focus less on the material world and more on finding myself, i played around with new hairstyles with my locs and dressing differently but i think the main thing i realized so far is that life is hard people make mistakes and you can judge people all day but maybe think about your vices and addictions and mistakes before you vocalize your thoughts or say something mean i don’t know thanks for listening