So I've been having some interesting insights lately. I don't know if they're insights, but I feel like I'm in a slightly superimposed state where I can see many possible futures for myself. And that's happened before. But I feel slowed down in the, if I see a certain possibility, and it's kind of scary, I don't necessarily get scared. And in that way, it seems my brain keeps calculating different possibilities. And then it also goes back into past experiences and past superpositions. And, and ways that it feels like I've quantum jump to different realities. And how the process of so called psychosis is trying to resolve some of those. And I've been in the position of nearly taking my life a couple of times, but not wanting to, and managing to keep my body safe. From that possible future, in which I don't exist. He had a talking about that, I feel like if I go back to certain events in my past, that that's where the split was, there were several futures where I didn't exist. And I sort of had to transport my way out of there, somehow, and go to a different reality where I existed. And I wandered there for a while. And I went to the USA, and then when I came back, I realized I was in a reality where I didn't necessarily exist, even though it seemed like I did to me. I'm on that trajectory, wear itself out and I was close to ending my life. I was diagnosed with a mental illness, to sort of explain away all the weirdness. And I'm wondering to myself, if I almost need the mental illness right now. Because if weird stuff happens, I'll just be told, oh, that was your mental illness and medicated. And it could be the same thing it could be that I understand it's a bit of a different process. But that's not the understanding of society. So I can still go about the process of accepting the treatment. That sort of allows me to read material materialize or reconnect with my body. Because it's almost like consciousness becomes disembodied. And when that happens, it can appear to die and other people's realities. In my reality, it becomes another episode mental illness. Which is sort of like dying several times throughout life. Instead of really being concentrated in one's ego self. When one gets to places beyond the ego self. One might leave the body or could even be that could even be true that for each of us, that When some kind of trajectory of our life ended, we get some sort of medical problem to explain it away. It's really complex. And this is the first time that I feel I've been able to really look at this without immediately acting, and then rushing towards a scary trajectory that puts me into a state of psychosis, where it's too confusing. And then people come and sort of rescue my body medicate me to slow my brain down. So then consciousness doesn't sort of go flying off into another dimension where I might continue to exist, I don't know. But I don't necessarily exist with the people that I care about now. In saying that, I can use the medications to sort of modulate consciousness myself, instead of getting help from the medical system, I have a slight sense that this could get me in trouble, in that, I might feel like I'm handling things like I do. I feel not great, but I feel strong. And I feel like that trajectory of doing it that way, might lead to the story of, Oh, she seemed fine. We never suspected anything. And then I'm found not living. In that reality, at least. And that's the thing, it's more a matter of, I kind of want to stay here with the people that I care about, I don't want to go off into some other dimension. I'm not saying that's necessarily true, but or It feels like, since I no longer necessarily buy into the mental illness trajectory to keep me here in my body. Something else might happen, where maybe there's some kind of accident, my memories erased. And after we learn who the people I love are supposed to go to California, and I feel like stuff has come up from my past that might almost feel like I'm