Forsaking Her Own Mercy

In 3 parts, By SDes. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.

 

·        “They that observe lying vanities, forsake their own mercy.” Jonah 2:8

As

he sat in the waiting room, Jeff tried to keep some spark of hope

alive. Sarah obviously had feelings for him. The way she returned his

kiss left no doubt about that. The problem was getting past the wall she

had built up over the years. She had evidently made up her mind that

she would be better off without him, or maybe she thought he would be

better off without her. Either way, he resolved to not give up without a

fight.

A pleasant looking young woman sitting behind a desk caught his attention. "Doctor Wolcott will see you now."

Jeff walked through the door and the doctor rose to greet him. "Jeff, you are looking well, how can I help you."

"Paige told me to talk to you. She said you helped Sarah through her recovery and have stayed close with her over the years."

The doctor frowned, "Jeff, I can't talk to you about what I discussed with a patient. You understand that, right?"

Jeff

met the doctor's gaze firmly. "I'm not asking you to betray any

privilege, but I need to find some way to get through to Sarah. If

you're as close to her as Paige said, you have to have an idea of how to

help me. She hasn't been your patient for years. There has to be

something you can tell me. I am crazy about her and from what her family

says, she feels the same way about me. She just won't give me the

chance to get close to her."

Dr.

Wolcott sat quietly, trying to choose his words carefully. "Well, I can

talk to you in general about the way trauma victims feel. The victim of

a sexual assault can have a wide variety of reactions. Some become

insatiable with their desires, trying to fill a void in their emotions

with the act of sex. Some even crave degrading acts because they feel

unworthy of anything better."

"Some,"

and he paused looking directly at Jeff to indicate his meaning without

saying it aloud, "retreat into themselves. They are afraid of being

rejected to the point of making themselves miserable rather than risk

being hurt. Some part of their behavior can be attributed to the guilt

they feel."

"Guilt?" Jeff asked uncertainly. "How could she; they feel guilty about something they couldn't control?"

"Control

is a matter of perspective, son. In some victim's minds, they continue

to question if they made all the right choices. If they had done

something differently, could they have avoided what happened? Everyone

in their life is exposed to their trauma, so sometimes they feel like

they're responsible for everyone's pain, in a way. This is incredibly

difficult to cope with, and it's why therapy can be so important."

"In

Sarah's case, she has a permanent reminder of the event because of her

scar. Every time she meets someone new, she knows the first thing they

notice is something that is tied into the most traumatic event of her

life. To be honest, I think she uses it as an excuse to keep men at a

distance. She hates it, but it's also part of her defenses."

"Okay,"

Jeff responded, "so that explains why she hasn't dated much, but what

about me. She already knows I care about her and that she cares about

me. What happened to her doesn't change the way I feel about her, I

already know the real Sarah and she's wonderful."

The

doctor nodded his agreement. "She is a remarkable young woman, but in a

way, you are more of a threat to her than anyone." He paused as Jeff

shot him a confused look. "She knows you had feelings for her before you

found out about her past. Now that you know, I'm sure she's afraid you

might reject her. She's probably also worried about you being too nice

to walk away, even though you might want to. I wouldn't be surprised at

all if she has talked herself into believing that your pursuit is based

on pity, which would be even more devastating to her."

"So

let me get this straight," Jeff said, starting to get angry. "If I blow

her off, it's because I'm a jerk. If I try to get her to see me, it's

because I'm still a jerk, but don't want to look like a bad guy? How the

hell do I deal with that?"

"Exactly," Dr. Wolcott answered cryptically. "How do you deal with that?"

"Great, now you sound like a shrink," Jeff answered, clearly frustrated.

"Jeff,

I can't tell you any magic words to make things better. If I knew them,

I would have used them with her seven years ago. She is such a special

young woman that it kills me to not be able to help her. I watch her

every week, wondering if there is something I could think of; "

With a swift movement, Jeff's head jerked up to look at the doctor. "What do you mean, every week?"

This

time it was the doctor's turn to look confused. "She volunteers here

every Monday and Friday in the children's ward. She has for years. I

would have thought her family would have told you that."

He was surprised by Jeff abruptly rising and heading for the door. "Sorry doc, I've got to go."

The children Prevail on Sarah

Sarah

walked into the hospital lost in her thoughts. It was the first time

back since her last night with Jeff. She had missed three of her

volunteer dates in a row and wasn't going to miss another, no matter

what. Some days it was like the kids were her reason for getting out of

bed. People often complimented her on how caring she was, spending time

with sick children. The truth was, her time with the kids did as much

for her as it did for them.

She

had taken two days off work after her encounter with Jeff. It was so

unsettling that she had no idea how to begin to deal with it yet. Part

of her wished he had never come looking for her because of all the

emotions it had stirred up. Part of her wished he wouldn't have left.

She sat by the window of her apartment for hours, hoping he'd come back,

wondering if she could have forced herself to talk to him. Jeff was a

very good man, this was incredibly unfair to him and she knew it. How

could he have any idea what she wanted when she didn't know herself?