Shame is a feeling of personal regret. It never feels good, but sometimes, it’s exactly what we need to hear. 

For example, if you sleep through your cousin's wedding, missing 20 calls from your parents who are waiting to pick you up, shame is the emotion that tells your body, “Hey, don’t be an inconsiderate little shit ever again. It makes you feel bad.”

However, we live in a world of surface-level solutions to deep-rooted problems. 

In the scenario where I missed my cousin's wedding, I took the easy way out. Instead of sitting in my shame, apologizing, and promising to grow, I said, “I don’t care about their dumb wedding, and I can do whatever I want, so F them.”

An apathetic, “manly” response indeed. At that moment, I felt a sense of entitlement, and all my shame was washed away. But it was only gone for the moment and came back to bite me. 

When we refuse to sit in the fire of our toughest emotions, we also refuse to learn the lesson they are trying to teach us. 

If men want to use their emotions to get stronger, we need to learn to accept and process them in a way that builds emotional muscle instead of masking our weaknesses. 

Tune into this week's Innovating Masculinity episode to hear more of my cringe-worthy shame-entitlement experiences and some actionable tools for using shame to learn and grow.