Two days ago, I released a twenty four-minute, eight second-long standup comedy special on YouTube. This is the link.

For purposes of algorithmic maximization, do me a favor and watch it all the way through, then play it on your phone and watch it all the way through, then make sure any time you’re out and about you take your friends’ phones and play my special on their device. When they ask, “Why are you silently playing through an entire comedy special while interacting with every interstitial ad?” you just say, “Because I support comedy, damn it!”

Do you see what I just did there? I exaggerated my desire for you to watch my special as a way to cope with the material reality of the fact that I desperately DO want you to watch it. The earnest part of my psyche is often at odds with the sarcastic, but this special has turned their regular scuffles into a full-blown nuclear war. I would like to talk a little bit about this internal discord, not just for my own benefit, but because it is something that has been quietly plaguing many people who produce comedy, music, art, casual ribbon dancing videos, competitive ribbon dancing videos, or who perform the lost art of marionette love making.

Part One:

I became aware of many of my favorite standup comedians through the wonderful Comedy Central Half Hours, which would play on the weekends and gave me something to do while I spent time not hanging out with other kids or having enriching experiences. The format was simple: they filled a theater with people, had three or four comedians go up one by one, and recorded it for viewing on the network. Back then, I never considered how someone “got” a Comedy Central half hour. I imagined it was via some omnipotent comedy god who anointed only the most deserving comedians with this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Now that I’ve been doing standup for a while, I know that’s not the case. I’m positive there were endless politics and double crossing and back stabbing that happened in the process of jockeying for one of these spots. A lot of people like to think that before social media, only the most deserving artists got opportunities, but that is simply not the case. The road that weaves through the entertainment industry is scattered with carcasses of those who were undeniably talented but didn’t look right or sound right, were the wrong race or age, or pissed off the wrong producer by saying, “I think a 14-year-old is too young to date.”

The benefit of the Comedy Central special wasn’t that it was a perfect system--it was that it promoted itself by the virtue of it being on TV, at a time when people still watched TV. The artist was under little pressure to “promote” their work because what could they do to promote it? Aside from going out in the street and screaming at people to tune in, there wasn’t much for them to do except sit back and hope people enjoyed their work.

Part Two:

I would like to say that I have “taken the career path” of an online comedian, but that isn’t the whole truth. The whole truth is that social media was the only place I could turn in hopes of following my dreams of being a touring comedian. I tried the other paths: acting, getting in at clubs, and making human sacrifices in order to appease the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield. Casting directors said no, club bookers said no, and that guy I tried to sacrifice was way too fast to catch. I was left with posting short videos online, and post short videos online I did. I was lucky--I was able to post my way into a decent career without having to do prank videos where I replace old peoples’ insulin with Astroglide gel, but it comes with a cost. Whether it’s the fault of an unjust system or my own shortcomings (it’s probably the shortcomings,) I don’t have anyone helping me promote my standup, tour dates, or acting but me. This sounds normal, but what happens when people who follow you for one thing, are suddenly inundated by requests to see you live or follow your Substack? (Thank you, by the way.) It causes this whiplash effect that frankly, I don’t like. I like giving people what they want. I like my page to be videos that I think are funny for the sake of fun rather than a marketing ploy to watch my special or see me live, but it’s my only option. All I hope is that people don’t judge me too harshly for inundating them, and understand that while the promo for my standup might be annoying, if it doesn’t work out the promo for my DJing will be so, so much worse.

Before we have a little fun, let me just say this: I think the best way to promote something is to be honest. I will be honest here and say that I think the special is very good. I think it’s worth your time. Okay, now that that’s over, let’s go over some of my favorite comments I’ve gotten so far.

Starting off hot. You know, a lot of people would feel judged by a comment like this, but I would actually like to take this opportunity to apologize to this person. You see, standup comedy requires exaggerated storytelling. I know I said I “got ready for bed” with a woman, but in reality, I’ve never been in the same room as a woman unchaperoned. I have what I call my “Female Purity Bodyguard.” His name is Chuck, and his job is to make sure that I am never alone in the same room as a woman, ESPECIALLY late at night. In the story it’s me and my girlfriend, but in reality, it was me, my girlfriend, and Chuck sleeping in between us so no funny business happened. I would like to make it clear that I think premarital sex is nasty and abhorent, which is why I ALWAYS sleep with Chuck.

Okay, this one was confusing. At no time did I mention Margaret Thatcher in my standup or otherwise. I think it’s a jab at me because of my Irish last name, and I must say, bravo. Negative comments about my standup don’t really get to me. I think this special is good, and you won’t change my mind on that. The one way you can get to me is by insinuating that my video is a safe space for Margaret Thatcher praise. This is made even more strange by the fact that this person has a Betsy Ross flag picture and a handle with the word “patriot” in it. Are we bending the knee to the monarchy now? I hate to say it, but… seems a little bit Canadian to me, partner.

Okay. While the Margaret Thatcher comment upset me, this one incensed me. That sweater is top tier--everyone thinks so. You can be a sweater contrarian all you want, but you’re just going for shock laughs, and I won’t stand for it. Me and that sweater have been through a lot together, and I hope only one day I am man enough to grow into it.

All that being said, thank you for reading, and please, please, please watch the special and give me a comment like, “Came here from your Subtack and I loved this special and your sweater and I don’t like Margaret Thatcher.

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