If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I was at a meeting awhile back where someone celebrated three months sober, even though he didn’t have three months sober. He said, “I have two months and 27 days but I won’t be here next week. So I am celebrating now.”

That’s not really how a program that is One Day at a Time is supposed to work, in my humble opinion. But everybody clapped and the guy got a three-month coin. And what the hell do I know, anyway?

It reminded me of one of the most valuable things I have ever heard said at a meeting: “Take what you need, leave the rest.” That goes for anything in sobriety. The people, the prayers, the pre-meeting chit-chat, everything—hell, the steps are just suggestions. If you want to go to 12-step meetings and not get a sponsor and not put a dollar in the basket and not do the steps, you can!

I love meetings. I go to one almost every day even though I have been sober since 2008. So this list is tongue-in-cheek. If I really had a long, elaborate list of things I hated at meetings, I probably wouldn’t go to so many meetings. Please take this for what it is—a list of mild annoyances that says more about me than anything else.

Here goes:

—5. Around the room format: I haven’t run into this situation much recently because I have been going to smaller meetings. But I don’t love when meetings go around the room and don’t offer any sort of window for others to share. I just think it’s important that a newcomer or somebody on the edge of a relapse is able to throw their hand up in an emergency.

—4. Long readings: OK, this is one where I could see myself going to the business meeting and making a suggestion to cut back on long readings. I don’t love when I get to a 60-minute meeting and see that we’re going to spend 45-plus minutes on a reading. Like I said a minute ago, I think meetings should always have a nice-sized window for the newcomer or struggling person to raise their hand. If you have a 45-minute reading, then the chairperson shares, you’re looking at only one or two more people getting an opportunity.

Let me throw in a P.S. on this long readings point… I don’t love when a meeting reads How It Works, The Promises and then has a 10-minute script, either. It eats into the time for people to share. Though I will say that one time I mentioned that we shouldn’t read How It Works at a meeting because everybody knows it already, and a guy said, “If that is true—which it isn’t—then how do you think they learned it?” Point taken.

—3. Lord’s Prayer: Not a big fan. I find it is too specifically linked to a specific religion. I always take the option to say a silent meditation of my choosing.

—2. Cross talk: This is another one that I actually have a big beef against. I don’t like meetings where people just blurt stuff out. I haven’t been to too many where someone says, “Hey Fred, you should stop doing x, y and z” or anything that specific. But I do still get to meetings where it can be a little cliquey and people think it’s funny during a meeting that has started to say stuff under their breath, or make a direct comment on how their football team just beat yours, or goof on somebody’s outfit. I’m fine with having a little fun with each other… but maybe save it for after the meeting?

The pushback I always get when I say stuff about cross talk is that it doesn’t really hurt anybody in most cases. That’s probably true. My pushback to that pushback is that people who are new to 12-step meetings leave and think that meetings are like study hall in high school, and I don’t think that’s cool. But I admit, I might be taking myself too seriously. And if a meeting’s group conscience is to be rowdy, guess what? Every meeting is autonomous, so I think the next right thing for me in those circumstances is to quietly leave and find a different meeting.

—1. Personalities: We all have people who annoy us, even in sobriety. I don’t really have a specific type of person who annoys me. There are just some personalities that rub me the wrong way. And I know that I probably annoy people myself, too. So that’s always important to know. A crucial thing I’ve come to realize is that there are many different flavors of sobriety, and I don’t like some of them. That’s fine!

I’ll end with a story. I had a guy who really wasn’t my style, and I was seeing him at almost every meeting. I thought he was a little bit of a blow-hard who seemed to me to be an All-Star at meetings and then full of s**t once the meeting is over. I had decided this guy didn’t carry these principles into all our affairs, as if I was some kind of sobriety evaluator.

So one Saturday morning I walked into a meeting where the format was that the chairperson shares for 15 minutes to start the meeting, and this guy was chairing. I immediately thought, “Oh god, I gotta get out of here.”

But I decided to stay because I thought about how much we’re encouraged to think about principles more than personalities. So it was his turn to share to start the meeting, and he talked for probably 20 minutes instead of 15. And I was counting, because I am petty like that.

When he got done, he turned it over to the floor for people to share. I think the first five people all shared what an amazing influence he had been on their sobriety, including a few examples where I thought I might tear up. This person was not my cup of tea, but clearly had done a bunch of amazing things going back many years to help others.

So that day, I took that idea with me—that I need to extend my hand at all times because you never know when 10 years later that will really have affected somebody’s life in a positive way. And I left the rest, which means I personally did not get that guy’s phone number or have much interest in hanging out with that guy. And that’s fine!

Take what you need, leave the rest…

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

ONE DAY, I SAW A SMILING, ELDERLY woman sitting on her porch, so I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret for such a long, happy, life?"

With a smile as slow as her words, she said "I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day, I drink light beer, dark beer, and that carb-friendly beer. When I wake up in the morning, I mix a little whiskey in my coffee and then polish off the whole bottle for lunch. I eat only junk food, I never exercise, and on weekends, I may raid the medicine cabinet to liven things up a little bit."

"That's amazing!" I exclaimed. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," she replied.

(Credit: Grapevine, June 2005, by Sherri B of Houston, Texas)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe