Sex and stress do not make happy bedmates. That’s a biological fact.

Human suffering, illness, politics, environmental issues, human rights violations, and finances are just some of our stressors.

Bad news often comes at us from all directions; conversations with family and friends inevitably end up processing that bad news. Even in our happy moments, the undercurrent of stress may always be present.

Biologically, stress is killing our sex drives. Our emotional and physical stress is activating our “fight or flight” reflex, which reduces blood flow to our genitals and muddies our minds with anxious thoughts.

The release of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline depresses testosterone levels. A reduction in the neurotransmitters that produce feelings of well-being increases our risk of depression and anxiety. This all undermines erections and orgasms.

Researchers with the Massachusetts Male Aging Study have an ongoing investigation of 1,709 people. It concludes that men who suffer from stress are almost twice as likely to experience E.D. (erectile dysfunction).

Stressed-out men (and women) shut down around sex.

Our bodies are not designed to encourage sexual thoughts when our brains are communicating that we may be in danger. We can’t convince our bodies that we’re safe, when in fact we’re not. We can’t just reason ourselves out of being in fight or flight mode.

Our bodies were built for stress: stress warns us of danger; it helps keep us alive. But our bodies were not built to live with the ongoing high stress levels we all experience today.

So, what to do. As the Stoics say, don’t focus on what you can’t change, focus on what you can change in your response to it. We may not be able to avoid stress, but we can learn to manage it, and not let it dictate our sexual desire.

Here are some things to do to step off the stress wheel regularly and signal to your body that it’s safe to relax for a while and turn your attention to what’s pleasurable.

(Print this out. Put it on your fridge. Remind yourselves every day that you can choose to lower your stress levels regularly, and you can do it together.)

Stress buster 1: Tell it like it is

Acknowledging that stress is at war with our sexual desire is the first step to lighten the load of our judgment of ourselves and each other.

Sit down and have a conversation with your partner about your current sexual frequency. Share how stress impacts your sexual desire and reassure your partner that your loss of desire has nothing to do with them personally.

Don’t assume they know this. We all need to be reminded that we’re sexually desirable and loved. Words go a long way to calm insecurities when it comes to sex.

Stress buster 2: Plan time for sex

I can’t say this enough. Don’t get stuck in the rut of letting the days go by hoping you or your partner will be in the mood to initiate intimacy.

Agree that sex is important enough to prioritize. Put yourself in the room and trust that your initial resistance will fade away as you start to slow down, breathe deeply and drop in.

Rather than making intercourse your goal, be open to whatever your intimate time together will bring. Just agree that for a set period of time your bodies will be in contact, one way or another and everything else will follow. Touch, massage, hug, cradle, share. Make intimacy your goal rather than an orgasm.

Stress buster 3: Touch and be touched

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want from your partner. Ask for a massage or a shoulder rub or an extended hug, especially if that’s what helps you relax. Offer to give one in return with no strings attached. Being in close proximity to our lover’s body produces a host of feel-good hormones. Take advantage of it and get up close.

Stress buster 4: Orgasms are powerful

Goal-oriented sex can hinder our sexual experience and exploration. And… there’s a reason many of us place them on the top of our sexual agenda. Orgasms flood our brains with oxytocin. They are nature’s antidote to high levels of cortisol, and that’s why masturbation is such a common sleep aid.

We now understand the profound impact orgasms have on our mental/ emotional state. Whether you’re alone or with a partner, orgasms are abundant and free. Include them in your wellness practice as a sure-fire way to lower your stress levels and keep your sexual energy flowing.

Stress buster 5: Exercise daily

We all know how good it feels to know we’re giving our body what it needs to be healthy and vital. While sex and stress don’t jive, sex and exercise make a great pair.

Move your body daily. You’ll sleep better and your stress levels will drop. Use a brisk walk or run to prepare for intimacy and get your blood flowing to all the right places.

Stress buster 6: Stop, look, and listen

If you need a quick fix for the stress of a busy mind, use your five senses to drag your attention out of your chronic thinking and into your physical experiences.

Our five senses; sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing are constantly feeding us present-time information. They show us what’s beautiful, what smells good, what feels good against our skin, what tastes delicious. The problem is we’re usually just not listening. We’re stuck in past or future thoughts.

It takes a nanosecond to notice that your mind is somewhere other than where you are, and another nanosecond to drop your attention into your body where you actually live and breathe. Your body is where you experience pleasure, so tune in to your senses and enjoy what your body is telling you.

Stress Buster 7: Laugh therapy

Laughter and sex have a lot in common: they both strengthen neural pathways in the brain, building a feeling of closeness in a relationship.

They support intimacy and connection with our partner by flooding our brains with dopamine.

When we laugh, we can literally feel the stress leave our body. Our state is instantly lightened. So, look for humor throughout your day. It may not always be obvious but it’s there, waiting to be shared.

Put on a favorite stand-up act, watch a comedy on Netflix, laugh out loud together, and let the good times roll… right into the bedroom.

(If my writing brings value to your life and relationship hit the like button and let me know how you manage daily stresses with your partner. )

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