We debunk a stupid article which seems to deliberately misread analytics' role in baseball and come up with some marketing ideas for the West Michigan Whitecaps, but accidentally plan a pet store heist. 

Player Avatar: Dave Parker, winner of the 1985 home run derby

Bumper music: JPEGMAFIA X ENSO "STARRCADE 97 (DJ SNITCH BITCH EXCLUSIVE)"  Yes, again. It's a killer track.