In Uncommon Sense with Mel Schwartz 007, Mel explains what drives common argumentative behaviors, why they hurt you just as much as the other person, and how to break the pattern the next time you feel like firing back.

Do you ever give your partner the silent treatment when you’re mad? Use sarcasm instead of saying what’s actually bothering you? Raise your voice until they back down?

These are just some of the common behaviors most people think are part of “normal” fights, but are actually emotional violence hiding in your relationship. 

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There’s a kind of violence that happens in our relationships that we don’t even recognize as violence. You know, if there was a physical assault, we would call it violent or physical abuse. It’s black or white. There could be signs, physical signs of violence. But when there’s emotional and verbal violence, that flies beneath the radar. We acclimate to it. We treat it as normal. And it’s horribly destructive. It’s insidious.

You probably experience some form of emotional and verbal violence, either by perpetrating it yourself or receiving it, or it goes in both directions. But it’s mutually destructive.

Today, I am going to illuminate what these dysfunctions look like. Why emotional and verbal violence are corrosive and how to overcome them.

I’m Mel Schwartz, and this is Uncommon Sense.

Let’s begin.

Let’s take a look at the expression, do no harm. This is known as the Hippocratic Oath. Doctors should do no harm. That makes perfect sense.

Why should this apply to relationship?

Well, what should the purpose of relationship be? To enhance, to benefit us, to uplift us, to do no harm.

I was listening to a podcast recently about Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, their policies of non-violent civil disobedience. But I had an insight. And my insight was that non-violence needs to go beyond the physical. We’ve created laws against physical violence, but why do we still accept verbal and emotional violence?

I’m using the word violence as opposed to the word abuse. Commonly we would speak of emotional abuse or verbal abuse. But abuse is a word that gets overused. Like how we use the word he’s a narcissist today.

I assure you, 90% of the times he’s not a narcissist, but the word’s being used. Or gaslighting, another one of my favorites. Gaslighting came from a movie I believe from the 1940s in which a husband is trying to gaslight his wife into thinking that she is crazy. Today we say gaslighting when really what we should be saying is lying. He lied to me, she lied to me. That’s not gaslighting, it’s lying.

The same thing has happened with the word abuse. It’s become so overused. It’s lost its teeth. So instead of using the word abuse, I choose to use the word violence. Violence is less gray, it’s black and white. It speaks to a disruption of emotional harmony and safety.

When someone is emotionally violent in a relationship, who actually gets harmed?

Well, both people do.

Think about this. How often have you told someone that you love them, but then turned around and acted unlovingly? Yelled at them, denigrated them, frozen them out. The word love becomes incongruous. If there is emotional and verbal violence, that is not loving.

We need to make a distinction. We need to become true to our words. Again, authentic, a word I’m fond of using. Authenticity is that if I love you and I care about you, but I act emotionally or verbally violent toward you, that doesn’t play. It’s not correlating. We need to put our money where our mouth is.

Emotional and verbal violence have no place in a loving relationship or a friendship. This may have been learned behavior from your childhood. Probably was, regrettably. One or both parents said I loved you, but they were emotionally or verbally violent, perhaps even physically.

You need to choose to unlearn it. You need to choose to get clear.

Now, let’s walk through the different forms of emotional violence that may be hiding in your relationship.

Number one, angry verbal attacks. What does that look like in a relationship? What does it sound like? Well, it’s denigrating. It’s putting the other person down. It’s angry. It’s vindictive. It’s damaging. That’s the intention. It’s inconsistent with a loving relationship.

You might ask yourself, if it’s you or your partner, what is the anger actually masking? What’s really underneath the anger? If you’re feeling angry or hurt, try to express the hurt, the vulnerability, not the anger.

You might say to your partner, I’m feeling so unimportant to you or neglected. I don’t feel valued or I don’t feel loved.

Express that vulnerable feeling instead of saying you’re a piece of shit. You don’t pay any attention to me. Which one is going to get you heard?

What is the difference between responding and reacting? Responding takes two seconds. Tune into your feeling, think about what you’re feeling, and express it. That’s nonviolent.

If you can notice an angry or hurt feeling, pause, acknowledge what you’re feeling, and then choose how to communicate it. It’s okay to say, I’m feeling so angry. I’m feeling unloved. I’m feeling devalued. Let me tell you why.

That’s not acting angry. There is no verbal violence when you speak that way.

Number two, sarcasm in tone. How is sarcasm a form of violence? How does the venom in your tone harm both of you? Sarcasm and venom are a put down. They are intended to denigrate the other person. That is violent. When you communicate that way, you are harming yourself along with the other person.

Now, why do I say that? Because you’ve moved into that negative, disruptive energy. When you speak that way, not only do you guarantee that you’re not gonna be hurt, you are now engaged in fight or flight. You’re both in a ring, having at each other. Your cortisol levels rise. It’s unhealthy for you. Your blood pressure goes up. You’re damaging yourselves physically, emotionally, psychologically. It is not a love language.

Pause and imagine looking in the mirror and thinking to yourself, breathe. Exhale. Slow down. Ask yourself, do you want to be heard? Or do you want your words to fall on deaf ears and ignite even more anger coming back at you?

We’ll get back to the show in just a second, but real quick. If you’re finding value in these conversations, if you’re starting to see your relationships, your thinking, or your life in a new way, I’d love to stay connected with you beyond the podcast. I send out thoughts, insights, reflections, and practical tools straight to your inbox, things that can help you apply what we talk about here so your own life and relationships can prosper. So if you want to keep the conversation going, head to the link in the show notes and sign up for my email list. It’s free and I think you’ll find it genuinely useful. Okay, back to the show.

Aggressive gestures. What do aggressive gestures look like in a relationship? We know. Pointing fingers at each other. Rigid, inflexible body language. When we default into aggressive gestures, angry, hostile feelings, body language, again, this may be a replication of what you experience as a child, with a parent or both parents, or with your parent’s relationship with each other. It’s learned behavior.

Let’s be mindful. Let’s slow down and let’s reflect and think that kind of violence is inconsistent with love. What do I choose? Do I choose love? Do I choose validation? Do I want to be heard and appreciated? Or am I going to spiral into an unconscious, automatic reflex of anger? Where’s that going to get me?

If the person I love is being put down and treated angrily and without respect by me, that’s going to come back and haunt me and mirror me. I don’t want to be pointing fingers, getting in each other’s face, but this is challenging. What we need to do is call time out, either to one another, be able to say to each other, hey, this is not going well. Let’s take a couple of minutes and let’s regroup. We have to learn a new way of approaching how we engage each other when we’re feeling challenged, when we’re feeling put down. One of us can choose differently.

It’s not healthy, we have to be mindful. This just takes five seconds and you can actually foam the runway, which we talked about in the previous episode, by saying, I’m not going to head in this direction.

Number four for emotional violence is what I call the silent treatment. Now, how is silent treatment actually a form of violence when it feels like the opposite? Well, silence can be used as punishment. It can be used in a punitive way. When one person is feeling angry or not getting their needs met, they may choose to be silent. This may go on for hours or days. That is punitive. That is emotionally violent.

The purpose of relationship is to relate. Silence puts a wall around relating and communicating. It renders the other person impenetrable. That is punishing. That’s the opposite of relating.

Now, what’s the difference between a silent treatment and taking a healthy break? Obvious. If things get heated and you say, I need five minutes, or I’m going to take a walk so I can calm down, let’s do this when I get back in 10 minutes, that’s healthy. That’s fine. Take a break. Do not use silence as punishment.

Number five, verbal abuse. It’s denigrating. What is the point of denigrating your partner? You’re supposed to be in a relationship that enhances both of you. If you’re going to put them down and denigrate them, that’s denigrating you as well. It brings both of you into a mutual humiliation.

If my partner is being emotionally violent toward me, what should I do? Do your best Gandhi or Martin Luther King. Choose passive resistance. Don’t be reactive. Say to them, I’m not going to go there with you. This energy is not going to get us anywhere. Let’s take 10 seconds and regroup. And if they want to express how they feel in an appropriate way, say, I’m all ears. But don’t be reactive. Breathe.

How does being emotionally violent towards someone also damage you? Again, if you’re speaking angrily, your cortisol levels are through the roof. You’re causing yourself a denigration of your own wellbeing. It’s a malevolent energy and is toxic to both of you.

The premise in all relationships should be do no harm. Do no harm could mean you choose not to be in the relationship, but it can also be that you will do no harm to yourself or to the other person by belittling, by denigrating, or by cursing as an expression of anger. Do no harm to yourself and do no harm to others.

Now, this is a spiritual message. It’s a mindfulness message. It is a sensitive human attitude for all relationships.

So here is your uncommon sense. The next time you feel angry with your partner, pause and ask yourself, what’s underneath the anger? It’s usually hurt or vulnerability. You can choose. You have the power and the ability to do no harm, to do no harm to them and to yourself. Now, it isn’t complex, but it is challenging. You simply need to say to yourself, I am not going to be reactive. It makes no sense for me to harm myself or harm a person that I say loves me.

Choose differently and uncommon sense will free you from this harmful reaction of doing more and more harm to each other. Choose to be mindful and express yourself and your feelings and words that can actually be taken in.

The post “Normal” Relationship Habits That Are Actually Emotional Violence first appeared on Mel Schwartz, LCSW.