There comes a point in many managers’ careers when taking a day off no longer feels like a break.
Your phone starts buzzing before you’ve finished your morning coffee.
“Where’s that document?”
“Can you approve this?”
“What should I do about this customer?”
“Can I just quickly ask you something?”
By lunchtime, you’re answering emails, taking calls and wondering whether it would’ve been easier just to go to work.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Many managers feel like they’re carrying the whole team on their shoulders. They become the person everyone relies on. The person with all the answers. The person who solves every problem.
At first, it feels like you’re doing your job well.
Eventually, it becomes exhausting.
Dependency doesn’t happen overnight
Most managers don’t set out to build a dependent team.
It usually starts with good intentions.
A new employee asks a question, so you answer it.
Someone’s unsure what to do, so you make the decision for them.
A problem comes up, and because you’re busy, it’s quicker to fix it yourself than explain the process.
We’ve all done it.
The trouble is, every interaction teaches something.
When we consistently provide the answers, we’re also teaching our staff where the answers come from.
Over time, they stop working through problems themselves because they know you’ll do it for them.
Without realising it, we’ve trained dependence.
The hidden cost of always having the answer
It might seem efficient in the moment, but eventually the cracks begin to show.
Your own workload grows because everyone needs your approval.
Simple decisions pile up on your desk.
You spend your day answering questions instead of leading your team.
Your team becomes slower at making decisions because they’ve learned that the safest option is to check with you first.
Then comes the real test.
You take annual leave.
Or you call in sick.
Instead of the team continuing to move forward, everything seems to stop.
Your phone starts ringing.
Emails keep arriving.
Problems that could have been solved internally end up back on your desk.
The frustrating part is that many managers see this as a staffing problem.
“My staff just aren’t confident.”
“They don’t show initiative.”
“They need too much support.”
Sometimes that’s true.
But sometimes we’ve accidentally created the very behaviour that’s frustrating us.
Every answer shapes the future
One of the biggest shifts I made as a youth worker was realising that every conversation was doing one of two things.
It was either helping a young person become more independent...
...or making them a little more reliant on me.
The same principle applies in the workplace.
Every time a staff member walks into your office with a question, there’s actually two problems in front of you.
The first is the issue they’ve brought to you.
The second is whether they’ll be able to deal with something similar next time.
Most managers focus entirely on solving today’s problem.
Great managers are thinking about tomorrow’s capability.
That’s where reflection becomes such a powerful mentoring skill.
The rest of this article includes over 40 practical reflective questions, organised by purpose, to help you develop confident, independent staff instead of creating dependence. Become a free subscriber to unlock the full article.
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Reflection changes the conversation
When someone walks into your office with a problem, it’s tempting to answer immediately. You’re busy. You probably know the answer. You want to help.
But every time you jump straight to the solution, you’re doing the thinking for them.
The immediate problem disappears.
The long-term dependency grows.
Reflection works because it changes who does the thinking.
Instead of your staff borrowing your judgement, they begin developing their own.
That doesn’t happen by accident.
It happens through conversation.
Start with curiosity, not solutions
When someone asks,
“What should I do?”
Try resisting the urge to answer.
Instead ask:
“Talk me through what’s happening.”
This simple question slows the conversation down.
It also tells you something incredibly important.
Do they actually understand the problem?
Many managers assume they’re solving the right issue when, in reality, the employee hasn’t fully worked through what’s happening.
Sometimes, after explaining the situation out loud, people solve the problem themselves.
Then keep exploring.
* What do you think is happening?
* What have you noticed?
* What’s your understanding of the situation?
* What do you think is causing the problem?
* Can you walk me through what happened?
* What part are you finding most difficult?
You’re not testing them.
You’re inviting them to think.
Understand how they’re thinking
Once you understand the situation, become curious about how they’ve reached their conclusion.
Ask:
* What makes you think that?
* Can I ask what led you to that conclusion?
* Why do you think that’s happening?
* What information are you basing that on?
* Is there anything you might be missing?
This is one of the most valuable parts of mentoring.
You’re no longer judging whether they have the right answer.
You’re trying to understand how they’re making decisions.
Because if you improve their thinking, you’ll improve hundreds of future decisions, not just today’s.
Expand their options
People often become stuck because they believe there’s only one possible solution.
Reflection helps them see alternatives.
Ask:
* What options do you have?
* What’s another way you could approach this?
* If this option wasn’t available, what would you do?
* Is there another solution we haven’t considered?
* What would happen if you did nothing?
Sometimes the best mentoring isn’t providing another answer.
It’s helping someone discover they already have several.
Build judgement
One of my favourite questions is:
“Which option do you think is best, and why?”
The first part asks for a decision.
The second part develops judgement.
People begin weighing up risks, considering consequences and explaining their reasoning.
That’s far more valuable than simply telling them what to do.
Help them think ahead
Reflection shouldn’t stop once a decision has been made.
Good mentors also help people prepare for what comes next.
Ask:
* What could go well?
* What could go wrong?
* If that happened, how would you respond?
* What support might you need?
* How will you know if you’ve made the right decision?
These questions prepare people for uncertainty instead of protecting them from it.
Build confidence from past success
Many young staff underestimate what they’re already capable of.
Reflection reminds them.
Ask:
* Have you dealt with something similar before?
* What worked last time?
* What strengths could help you here?
* What’s one thing you’re already confident doing?
* What’s the first step you already know you can take?
Confidence grows when people recognise their own capability, not when someone else constantly reassures them.
Encourage ownership
Eventually every mentoring conversation should end with action.
Ask:
* What are you going to do next?
* When are you planning to do it?
* What’s your first step?
* What obstacles might get in the way?
* How can I support you without taking over?
Notice that last question.
You’re still providing support.
You’re just providing it in a way that builds independence instead of dependence.
The most powerful question
If I could encourage every manager to use one question more often, it would simply be this:
“What do you think?”
Then wait.
Don’t rush to fill the silence.
Silence often feels uncomfortable because we’re used to rescuing people.
But those few seconds are usually where the real thinking begins.
If you answer too quickly, you’ve interrupted the very process you’re trying to develop.
Reflection is an investment
Reflective conversations often take longer than simply giving someone the answer.
That’s why many managers stop doing them.
They’re busy.
They have deadlines.
It feels quicker to solve the problem and move on.
But that speed is an illusion.
Every answer solves today’s problem.
Every reflective question builds tomorrow’s capability.
Eventually something starts to change.
Instead of hearing,
“What should I do?”
You begin hearing,
“I’ve thought this through. Here’s what I’m planning to do. Can I run it past you?”
That’s a completely different conversation.
They’re no longer asking you to think for them.
They’re inviting you to strengthen their thinking.
That’s how confidence develops.
That’s how judgement grows.
That’s how independent staff are created.
One question before you answer
The next time someone asks for your help, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
Am I solving this person’s problem... or am I helping them become better at solving problems?
Because the managers who build the strongest teams aren’t the ones with all the answers.
They’re the ones who ask the kinds of questions that help other people discover they’re capable of finding the answers themselves.
Thanks for reading!
If this article made you think differently about leading young staff, there are plenty of ways to continue the conversation.
🎙 Listen to the Not Work Ready podcast, where I explore practical ideas to help supervisors and managers build confident young teams.
🌐 Visit confidenceinmentoring.com to learn more about workshops, manager training and practical workplace mentoring resources.
Because every young person deserves someone in their corner, and every manager deserves the confidence to lead them well.
Jono Van Der Ploeg
Confidence in Mentoring
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit notworkready.substack.com
