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On Autistic Burnout: "Believe I'll Ch-Ch-Change... My Shirt"
Intro
Someone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.
Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this.
Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.
Sunlight cracks my window,
Gotta be midday.
Kick myself a pathway
Just to pee into the bowl.
Like a peek into that deepest hole,
Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away —
Same filthy shirt as yesterday,
Body and soul.
I Gotta Change.
They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change.
New day’s a-coming.
Cuz that same old,
It’s getting fucking old.”
They say, “Shed that old skin
For one of truest gold…”
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat.
She prowls my old mind,
Sleeps beside me every night…
Feasting on defeats.
No stone blocks this empty tomb
But I can’t leave her behind...
Memories of the darkest kind
Blind my way outta this room...
T H A T change I can not make—
Faced all the strange this heart can take…
I gotta change…
I gotta change…
I gotta change…
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
Break it down…
I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.
I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.
You can't mistreat me here, babe,
But you can when I get home…
Waitress smiles,
checkout jokes…
shoplifting contact
with little hope
casual chic in the cubicle
hoarding freak in the domicile
Molestation devastation
Frustration infestation
losing jobs
taking jabs
Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit
Choose the label for your best fit
Can’t see the forest
For the leaves,
That’s what’s brought me
To my knees…
New day’s never coming.
And that same old,
Got fucking older.
I yearn to shed that old skin
I crave that shiny gold…
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe
Man I feel the drama today. Hope you guys can handle it.
Massive shoutout to artists I stole quotes from… David Jones, known to the world as David Bowie for “Changes,” that he released in 1972. And to blues genius Robert Johnson for “Dust My Broom,” released in 1937. And as always to Marvin Gaye, for his soul… invisible but always there.
* More Live Autistic Spoken Word
Bio
Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.
Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice.
His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, he spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work since 2019. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.
Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.
“I’m autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell.Autistic style.I’m not out to inspire you.I’m out to give youan experience..of a life.”
“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.
Connect:
* Share your burnout experiences below
* Hit the bell for new releases
#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts & free PDF of full Amazon collection… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.
This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe
View all episodes
By Johnny Profane (Knapp Âû)Intro
Someone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.
Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this.
Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.
Sunlight cracks my window,
Gotta be midday.
Kick myself a pathway
Just to pee into the bowl.
Like a peek into that deepest hole,
Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away —
Same filthy shirt as yesterday,
Body and soul.
I Gotta Change.
They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change.
New day’s a-coming.
Cuz that same old,
It’s getting fucking old.”
They say, “Shed that old skin
For one of truest gold…”
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat.
She prowls my old mind,
Sleeps beside me every night…
Feasting on defeats.
No stone blocks this empty tomb
But I can’t leave her behind...
Memories of the darkest kind
Blind my way outta this room...
T H A T change I can not make—
Faced all the strange this heart can take…
I gotta change…
I gotta change…
I gotta change…
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
Break it down…
I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.
I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.
You can't mistreat me here, babe,
But you can when I get home…
Waitress smiles,
checkout jokes…
shoplifting contact
with little hope
casual chic in the cubicle
hoarding freak in the domicile
Molestation devastation
Frustration infestation
losing jobs
taking jabs
Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit
Choose the label for your best fit
Can’t see the forest
For the leaves,
That’s what’s brought me
To my knees…
New day’s never coming.
And that same old,
Got fucking older.
I yearn to shed that old skin
I crave that shiny gold…
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe
Man I feel the drama today. Hope you guys can handle it.
Massive shoutout to artists I stole quotes from… David Jones, known to the world as David Bowie for “Changes,” that he released in 1972. And to blues genius Robert Johnson for “Dust My Broom,” released in 1937. And as always to Marvin Gaye, for his soul… invisible but always there.
* More Live Autistic Spoken Word
Bio
Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.
Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice.
His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, he spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work since 2019. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.
Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.
“I’m autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell.Autistic style.I’m not out to inspire you.I’m out to give youan experience..of a life.”
“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.
Connect:
* Share your burnout experiences below
* Hit the bell for new releases
#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts & free PDF of full Amazon collection… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.
This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe