Her Suicide Letter, Attached To The Living Will She had Written, reads as follows:

I would have loved to make music--I would have loved to sing my songs. I would have loved to be somewhere, anywhere on stage. I would have loved to be an actress--director, singer, dancer, musician, DJ--any kind of artist. Anything where making people joyful would become my duty.

I love the sound of laughter, the look of love; Starlit eyes, glimmering with gladness--human kindness, unity, hope. All the glory and all the glamour, and all the goodness that is given, I too, shall always love--my short life has been nothing less than miraculous.

I look for light--search for reasons to live longer--yet, in doing so I have only come to wonder more what purpose I was given and then failed to meet. Failure is no stranger--in fact, I can come to know and acknowledge it, even, as a friend--or, colleague, at the very least. I've not one endeavour tried and not failed, yet--even in chasing death have I come to meet and know failure, three times now. It seems as though I am unmatched to anything--be it another being, life, or death itself.

I have grown weary of myself. Despising to look in the mirror--desperate to quiet my own inner voices, speaking loudly of what I can perceive, of what I may and may not do--of who I can and cannot be. Unrelentless pain has begun to plague me; a literal heartache, my stomach in knots--a head that throbs with the withholding of tears, which I cannot stop from pouring from my eyes, with this pain. It has come time to depart, and though slowly---I welcome the peace of death, as so I have welcomed the love of life.

My grandiosity supersedes me, or any of my actual, profound ability--humility makes it so that I can understand my insignificance, intolerance to that of which 'normalcy' may pertain to. Once thought to be unique, with each passing day I discover more thoroughly as my consciousness has shifted into the presence of my outer world (by no fault of any other than my own). I

believe in the potentiality for anything and everything; I believe in the infinite expansion of our universe, everlasting...it is with great sorrow that I must come to rest before my goals, or rather ‘dreams' have been met, however--there are hundreds of thousands of others, who have with great will, and powerful intention, to do the same which I had hoped.

There will one day come another with all the aspirations I have had, and beyond--someone who wishes to change the world, alter the course of human history--expanding consciousness and ascending into the higher realms of existence though open awareness; I would have loved to see a new era in human evolution, to which we are at the helm of...to have seen humanity restored to its original, perfect state.

I believe in the goodness of people, the wholeness of others. Gratitude and graciousness, kindness and acceptance truly hold my adoration; I can acknowledge that the world, for the most part is actually good--it is because of few that things have become corrupt, and that I feel out of place here, in this time.

Had I known the standards of beauty and intelligence to be so highly regarded, I would have worked harder to become that of which is ideal. I am proud of the perfection that exists in others, that I cannot myself attain; I am in love with everything, and everyone--whom I cannot be--all who possess the ability to do the things I cannot.

My life has been a lesson, a steep learning curve of do's-and do-nots of universal law; perhaps in the things I have chosen to leave behind, there will be a great deal of love met in the sense that I have cared for others, in the way I would only wish that others cared of me; that I have loved the world, and others in it--as I have wished to be loved myself...there, honestly, stands the biggest lesson I have learned at all; That one must love freely and wholly, without expectation of such love being returned. Love and Light are one in the same; You may run to, or from it--but in essence, we are made from it.

I will miss this lifetime.

I will miss my body, whom I have betrayed by the hatred, bound to what my eyes see, and I cannot unchange. I will never see her as beautiful, though she is--a truth for which we will mourn eachother, forever.

I have come to despise myself, and reckoned to doubt any recovery of what might have been hope for the ‘future'. Perhaps, because I have chosen and tried to take my life so many several times, I have been punished by becoming trapped, a burden to belong to nothing and no one. Perhaps, this is the Hell I have awakened in, after truely having walked through the doorway of death more times than one.

Still, I can find glimpses of heaven here; Sunlit skies, blooming flowers--natures sweet reminders that humankind, among the youngest of our Universe's ambitious inventions. We are a reflection of ourselves, merely tangled in the web of time.

I've yet to fluidly transition these dimensions; it seems as though i'm tossed and thrown about and between them, unbeknownst to me the tools of navigation used to master such methods of travel. Sound frequencies, lightwaves--puzzle pieces to the giant jigsaw of eternal being, I would have liked much to explore…I would have loved much to explore everything I have not.

Everything is just out of my reach, here-- I've more loved ones in ‘Heaven”, so it speaks, than here on Earth. Still, no lack of love for the living--even those for which I haven't known, I've come to pray for; even those unborn, I love with all the wholeness of my being. New life, I nurture--though, fearing for their future...perhaps, this is the error in my thinking. This, amongst many reasons, a reason I have chosen to depart; My negative thoughts alone, contributions of energy into the circuitry of the world, that I am less than proud of--I have tried, at times to manage these thoughts, complexities based on my own perspective of our planet, from my narrow view. It is my understanding that, I am, in fact, what is wrong with the world...and so, I shall leave her with peace, in peace.

Love,

Cree