Overthinking in Your Underwear

This week, Lindsay wraps up her month long love series chatting about sex, timelines for sex and chemistry. She overthinks...does chemistry last a lifetime? What's the difference between passionate and companion love, is one better than the other? Ready? Let's overthink it.

If you like this week’s show, listen to Do We Need To Rethink Dating?

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

This week, Lindsay overthinks how her generation (X) views coupling up. Plus, advice on dating and relationships she wishes she knew sooner.

If you like this episode, you may also like, Overthinking Attachment Styles.

Thank you for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

This week, Lindsay shares her nightmare Valentine's Day story and a few tips to get through the most “romantic day” on the calendar. 

If you liked this episode, you may also like Chatting with my Ex recorded last year.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

In this episode, Lindsay helps you understand your attachment style in love and dating and overthinks her own experience with a past anxious attachment style.

You may also enjoy: The relationship expert returns (to talk dating)

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

Transcript

Welcome to Overthinking in Your Underwear.

0:00:15.108 --> 0:00:23.831

I'm Lindsay, and this week we are overthinking attachment styles, or specifically my anxious attachment style, which has changed.

0:00:24.432 --> 0:00:27.913

But I rocked that for years, you guys.

0:00:28.313 --> 0:00:31.134

And if you've listened to this podcast before, thank you.

0:00:32.201 --> 0:00:34.402

I've talked about attachment styles before.

0:00:34.422 --> 0:00:39.703

Ryan and I touched on it when I talked to Jill Simpson, relationship expert Jill.

0:00:41.264 --> 0:00:44.805

We talked about it before, but we've never really dug into it.

0:00:44.905 --> 0:00:48.666

I always just kind of breezed over it like, do you guys want to talk about attachment styles?

0:00:48.686 --> 0:00:54.028

Because it's one of my favorite subjects, but I've never just done kind of like a whole thing on

0:00:55.045 --> 0:00:56.366

Let me tell you how I got here.

0:00:56.386 --> 0:01:10.833

I kind of always knew I had like a little bit of a like a codependent thing going on, which is really hilarious now because there's like no one who rides solo harder than me.

0:01:11.013 --> 0:01:13.694

Like I am party of one and

0:01:14.568 --> 0:01:17.275

I go everywhere alone with my dog.

0:01:17.295 --> 0:01:19.882

I love to be alone.

0:01:19.902 --> 0:01:21.246

I don't want to date.

0:01:21.486 --> 0:01:22.449

I don't want to partner up.

0:01:23.554 --> 0:01:28.175

I really like being alone and partnership is not my gig.

0:01:28.756 --> 0:01:40.199

But when I was younger, I just was sort of like that person that always wanted to be with a best friend before romantic partners came into the picture.

0:01:40.259 --> 0:01:42.000

I always wanted to be with my best friend.

0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:44.527

I was thinking about this last night for some reason, even before I knew I was going to put this in this podcast.

0:01:44.564 --> 0:01:51.545

My best friend Lindsay and I, I always wanted to be with Lindsay when I was little, like probably more than Lindsay wanted to be with me.

0:01:51.565 --> 0:01:56.246

I always wanted to do everything with Lindsay everywhere we went.

0:01:56.386 --> 0:02:05.527

And I know that's like probably kind of normal when you're like a young, when you're like a young girl and you're like, you know, in your 11 to tween years.

0:02:05.647 --> 0:02:07.428

But everywhere Lindsay went, I wanted to go.

0:02:07.528 --> 0:02:09.068

Everything Lindsay did, I wanted to do.

0:02:09.773 --> 0:02:15.777

And that was kind of like the beginning of my everywhere we go by Tuesday Tuesdays.

0:02:15.897 --> 0:02:17.919

That's that's kind of how I felt.

0:02:19.019 --> 0:02:25.083

Then I got not that Lindsay went away, but I got another best friend, Tricia, best friend, Tricia, who you've seen on here.

0:02:25.544 --> 0:02:27.105

And it was kind of like, oh, good.

0:02:27.265 --> 0:02:28.806

Let's go in pairs now, too.

0:02:29.366 --> 0:02:32.408

Obviously, this is like a normal young girl thing.

0:02:32.468 --> 0:02:35.310

This wasn't like anything that needed to be diagnosed clinically.

0:02:35.511 --> 0:02:35.991

I know that.

0:02:37.109 --> 0:02:39.290

So everywhere Tricia went, I wanted to go.

0:02:39.310 --> 0:02:41.332

We did everything together.

0:02:41.472 --> 0:02:43.833

It was like Lindsay and Tricia, Lindsay and Tricia.

0:02:43.983 --> 0:02:45.324

I'm always going to be partnered up.

0:02:46.182 --> 0:02:49.664

I'm always going to kind of like go where the other person went.

0:02:49.844 --> 0:03:04.693

Well, when things started to get romantic and when those partners started to turn to the opposite sex, it just seemed obvious to me that you would just get a boyfriend and do whatever they did, right?

0:03:06.254 --> 0:03:12.358

Not that I didn't have my own goals and I always knew I wanted to be a writer or knew I wanted to live in a big city.

0:03:12.518 --> 0:03:14.780

I had my own goals, but

0:03:15.776 --> 0:03:19.522

I needed to kind of like attach myself to somebody else, right?

0:03:19.582 --> 0:03:24.370

I needed to attach, had this anxious attachment style, like to feel safe.

0:03:27.047 --> 0:03:30.209

this kind of showed up a lot in my relationships.

0:03:30.749 --> 0:03:37.133

And I needed that other person there to feel okay, to feel safe, to like kind of guide me.

0:03:38.002 --> 0:03:45.308

So let's stop there before I continue down this road and like explain to you a little bit about attachment styles.

0:03:45.700 --> 0:03:53.241

So John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, originated the concept of infant and child attachment theory in the 1950s.

0:03:54.222 --> 0:04:00.308

Years later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth joined him to create what we understand today as attachment styles.

0:04:01.049 --> 0:04:06.071

Until the 1980s, attachment styles were kind of understood this way.

0:04:06.991 --> 0:04:15.154

Then researchers Hansen and Shaver got involved, extending the thinking to include how adults interact in a romantic setting.

0:04:15.494 --> 0:04:23.197

So originally it was about children, and then it was extended to understand how we interact as adults and in a love setting.

0:04:24.276 --> 0:04:29.218

So attachment styles are how we relate to other people, mostly in a romantic setting.

0:04:29.918 --> 0:04:36.020

Research says our attachment styles develop based on how we interacted with our primary caregivers and our formative years.

0:04:36.500 --> 0:04:45.863

You don't have to get too clinical or sciencey with attachment theory to recognize your style or see it in others and use it as a guide in relationships and dating.

0:04:46.243 --> 0:04:51.805

If you want to go way back to the womb, there are many books and resources available on the web to help you do so.

0:04:52.891 --> 0:04:57.238

So I read Attached, which is by, let me get that for you.

0:04:57.705 --> 0:04:59.726

Amir Levin and Rachel Heller.

0:05:00.066 --> 0:05:01.366

And it's really great.

0:05:01.426 --> 0:05:04.207

And I think they're two, you know, psychoanalysts, researchers.

0:05:04.967 --> 0:05:06.848

And it's a great book.

0:05:06.888 --> 0:05:08.188

It's really entertaining.

0:05:08.729 --> 0:05:12.010

And it also just outlines attachment theory in a way.

0:05:12.110 --> 0:05:15.771

It's adult attachment theory, the science behind love and adult attachment theory.

0:05:16.371 --> 0:05:18.812

You'll really understand it when you come to the end.

0:05:18.892 --> 0:05:24.514

So if you listen to this podcast and you're like, I'm really into attachment theory, get attached.

0:05:25.674 --> 0:05:27.375

You'll find it on Amazon if you Google it.

0:05:27.535 --> 0:05:30.090

First thing that comes up, really popular book.

0:05:30.130 --> 0:05:43.935

So the four major attachment styles are the secure attachment style, the avoidant attachment style, the anxious slash preoccupied attachment style, which I was just talking about earlier, and the fearful avoidant attachment style.

0:05:44.257 --> 0:05:46.439

So let's start with the secure attachment style.

0:05:46.980 --> 0:05:54.227

So as is evidenced by its name, this is the jackpot lottery winner of attachment styles, right?

0:05:54.247 --> 0:05:55.728

This is the one we all want.

0:05:55.868 --> 0:05:59.171

It's the one we should aim to have for ourselves and seek out in others.

0:05:59.632 --> 0:06:06.779

It's not to say you can't have a healthy, happy union when other attachment styles join up, but the secure partner is the best gamble.

0:06:07.459 --> 0:06:34.242

secure partners are confident in themselves alone or coupled up and they don't obsess about relationships or whether or not a partner likes them their self-worth is solid and intact regardless of relationships wins or losses their love they love easily and intimacy and intimacy is used as a way to get closer to their partners rather than a game or manipulation breakups or rejections are seen as part of daily life rather than assessment of who they are as a person in real life

0:06:35.705 --> 0:06:35.865

So this,

0:06:50.526 --> 0:06:52.307

This is a healthy relationship.

0:06:52.327 --> 0:06:57.220

This is someone with healthy self-worth, with healthy boundaries, with healthy communication, with positive self-worth, with positive self-image.

0:06:57.220 --> 0:06:57.299

So this is the one that we should all kind of work towards.

0:06:57.359 --> 0:07:01.944

And it's not even only working towards this attachment because

0:07:02.834 --> 0:07:06.396

We want to be a good partner, but you're happier in yourself.

0:07:06.556 --> 0:07:14.721

It's hard to be happy in a relationship if you're the anxious partner or the avoidant partner or the fearful avoidant partner.

0:07:14.841 --> 0:07:22.965

It doesn't feel good to be in a relationship if you're having all of those other feelings, which I'll get to when we go through these other ones too.

0:07:23.406 --> 0:07:25.927

But you're happiest when you're secure.

0:07:25.947 --> 0:07:27.728

You're happiest when your self-worth is good.

0:07:28.352 --> 0:07:36.778

when your self-image is good, and when you aren't jealous of your other partner, when you're not completely needy and dependent on your partner.

0:07:36.898 --> 0:07:43.402

So this is the one we should all seek to partner up with and to achieve in ourselves.

0:07:44.667 --> 0:07:48.870

I'm not even in a relationship, and I am like, I want to be a secure, attached person, right?

0:07:48.930 --> 0:07:50.531

I want to be a secure, attached person.

0:07:51.587 --> 0:07:57.569

for my friendships even, for family, for myself.

0:07:58.010 --> 0:08:04.832

I don't want to be too needy towards my friends or jealous towards friends.

0:08:05.072 --> 0:08:11.966

I think you can think of it as just even if you're not partnered up, this is the attachment style I want to have.

0:08:12.183 --> 0:08:13.704

The avoidant attachment.

0:08:13.964 --> 0:08:18.087

So for me, this is the fire engine red flag attachment style.

0:08:18.127 --> 0:08:19.627

It's also the attachment style.

0:08:19.708 --> 0:08:24.430

I think when we're all like, you know, we see all those TikToks of like, oh, my God.

0:08:25.751 --> 0:08:31.054

He's a red flag and this is why I like him or he's the bad boy and this is why I like him or whatever.

0:08:31.114 --> 0:08:33.816

I think we I think we I'm going to generalize.

0:08:33.896 --> 0:08:35.357

OK, here I'm going to generalize.

0:08:35.397 --> 0:08:35.717

Sorry.

0:08:36.297 --> 0:08:40.000

We all kind of go for the avoidant person at times.

0:08:40.820 --> 0:08:44.263

parts of our life because it's the chase.

0:08:44.343 --> 0:08:45.383

This is the chase.

0:08:45.467 --> 0:08:47.229

This is the he's not calling me back.

0:08:47.749 --> 0:08:51.252

This is the I text and he leaves me on read.

0:08:51.672 --> 0:08:56.095

This is the we go out and he doesn't call me back for three days.

0:08:56.225 --> 0:09:00.373

So for me, this is the fire engine red flag attachment style.

0:09:00.933 --> 0:09:07.955

Not because good people can't be avoidant, but because it's a personality that pulls us in and we have no means to change.

0:09:08.095 --> 0:09:10.576

That's important and we're going to come back to it.

0:09:11.196 --> 0:09:15.596

Avoidant types need their independence and flat out want to be alone in most cases.

0:09:15.596 --> 0:09:21.025

but they create pockets of closeness with people but will disappear at the quiver of commitment.

0:09:21.034 --> 0:09:26.523

Their emotions are impervious to manipulation because they don't spend too much time stressing about partnerships.

0:09:26.963 --> 0:09:27.103

So

0:09:28.184 --> 0:09:29.585

I think we've all seen that.

0:09:29.765 --> 0:09:30.326

Oh my gosh.

0:09:30.426 --> 0:09:31.307

I know I have.

0:09:31.707 --> 0:09:36.591

So they create pockets of closeness and then they disappear at the quiver of commitment.

0:09:36.711 --> 0:09:38.152

How many times have you guys seen that?

0:09:38.733 --> 0:09:41.295

That you, oh my God, we had the best night.

0:09:41.315 --> 0:09:42.396

We had the best weekend.

0:09:42.416 --> 0:09:43.457

We had the best trip.

0:09:44.017 --> 0:09:46.139

You have the best all of these things.

0:09:46.319 --> 0:09:47.760

And then all of a sudden they disappear.

0:09:48.281 --> 0:09:50.322

They couldn't even say the most amazing thing.

0:09:50.382 --> 0:09:51.363

And then they disappear.

0:09:51.443 --> 0:09:52.044

And you're like, well,

0:09:52.584 --> 0:09:53.725

I'm so confused.

0:09:53.825 --> 0:09:59.008

Well, you breached or they breached themselves, their intimacy boundary.

0:09:59.408 --> 0:10:00.729

Maybe they said something.

0:10:01.110 --> 0:10:02.250

Maybe they did something.

0:10:02.330 --> 0:10:03.791

Maybe the trip was too much.

0:10:03.891 --> 0:10:05.853

Maybe meeting your friends was too much.

0:10:06.213 --> 0:10:07.494

And then all of a sudden they're gone.

0:10:07.594 --> 0:10:10.836

And then you're sitting there, you're left with going through your head going,

0:10:11.336 --> 0:10:11.977

What did I say?

0:10:12.057 --> 0:10:12.757

What did I do?

0:10:12.878 --> 0:10:14.059

What did I wear?

0:10:14.239 --> 0:10:15.780

How much, what was that?

0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:16.821

What was too much?

0:10:16.901 --> 0:10:18.202

What was the step too far?

0:10:18.662 --> 0:10:19.343

What did I do?

0:10:19.363 --> 0:10:20.644

And it wasn't you.

0:10:20.664 --> 0:10:23.526

It was their intimacy boundary for themselves.

0:10:23.727 --> 0:10:26.549

And you couldn't, maybe it wasn't even you that crossed over it.

0:10:26.589 --> 0:10:28.451

Maybe they crossed over it for themselves.

0:10:29.051 --> 0:10:31.852

by saying something to you or whatever.

0:10:31.872 --> 0:10:33.493

And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

0:10:33.653 --> 0:10:36.534

I've got to pull back because they are avoidant.

0:10:36.674 --> 0:10:38.234

And that's not your problem.

0:10:38.855 --> 0:10:41.216

That is their attachment style.

0:10:43.977 --> 0:10:47.178

The last part of this I think is interesting too because I have been here.

0:10:47.218 --> 0:10:52.820

Their emotions are impervious to manipulation because they don't spend too much time stressing about partnerships.

0:10:53.680 --> 0:10:57.882

I have been with like one of the most avoidant people I've ever met.

0:10:58.782 --> 0:11:02.703

And I was always trying to like manipulate his emotions, which I'm not proud of.

0:11:02.723 --> 0:11:04.688

I am not proud of this, but I would like, you know, send him a text and like, I don't even know.

0:11:04.688 --> 0:11:08.923

And I would just kind of do things to – well, like here's the most basic thing that I think we've probably all done.

0:11:08.963 --> 0:11:14.929

It's like, well, I'm not going to text him for a couple days and then he'll see how that feels.

0:11:15.149 --> 0:11:17.031

Well, no, he doesn't because he doesn't give a s**t.

0:11:17.991 --> 0:11:23.476

Or when he texts me, I'm going to text him one word back and see how that feels.

0:11:24.237 --> 0:11:28.741

He doesn't care because he's not overthinking it the way you're overthinking it.

0:11:29.101 --> 0:11:35.186

His emotions are impervious to manipulation because he is avoidant and you're anxious about the relationship.

0:11:35.647 --> 0:11:53.141

So don't waste your time overthinking that and know that you're with an avoidant person and either accept it and say, okay, this is what I've bought into and I'm on this ride and here we go, or walk away because you are with someone who cannot be manipulated.

0:11:53.421 --> 0:11:56.425

And you are with someone that is not going to change and it has nothing to do with you.

0:11:56.785 --> 0:11:58.427

It has nothing to do with you.

0:11:58.687 --> 0:12:08.979

And you're not going to change it by cute outfits and the best date ever and just the right way you twirled your hair and just the best blowout.

0:12:09.519 --> 0:12:10.700

Nothing's going to change it.

0:12:11.340 --> 0:12:16.444

So this is his attachment style, her attachment style, their attachment style.

0:12:16.925 --> 0:12:22.589

And they're going to have to do work, like actual work to change it, actual time to change it.

0:12:23.009 --> 0:12:25.891

Sometimes time changes attachment styles, which we'll get to.

0:12:26.351 --> 0:12:31.895

So you doing these like little things, whatever, like you're just wasting your time.

0:12:32.151 --> 0:12:38.397

So here we're going to get to ding, ding, ding, what I have talked about, my attachment style.

0:12:39.097 --> 0:12:39.598

Not anymore.

0:12:40.238 --> 0:12:41.680

Like I said, I had it growing up.

0:12:41.983 --> 0:12:42.010

I'm sorry.

0:12:42.091 --> 0:12:44.373

The anxious preoccupied attachment style.

0:12:45.450 --> 0:12:48.932

So this is the unsteady or insecure attachment style.

0:12:49.112 --> 0:12:57.837

This partner craves closeness and constant togetherness, not because of need or intimacy, but because of insecurity within themselves.

0:12:57.917 --> 0:12:58.758

That's really important.

0:12:59.098 --> 0:13:07.763

This partner is overly sensitive and may be suspicious and even paranoid, even in a loving and faithful relationship.

0:13:08.303 --> 0:13:10.925

The anxious type may end up in a healthy relationship.

0:13:11.385 --> 0:13:11.825

I'm sorry.

0:13:12.065 --> 0:13:14.707

The anxious type may end up in an unhealthy relationship.

0:13:15.874 --> 0:13:20.117

Because of their willingness to stay with a partner regardless of bad behavior.

0:13:20.137 --> 0:13:21.738

Ooh, that hurt.

0:13:22.619 --> 0:13:27.582

This partner needs constant affirmation about your feelings and their standing in the relationship.

0:13:27.963 --> 0:13:38.130

They text repeatedly while you're at work or out with your friends to reassure themselves about your connection despite your constant behavior and consistent signs of affection.

0:13:38.650 --> 0:13:38.930

Wow.

0:13:39.271 --> 0:13:39.571

Okay.

0:13:41.873 --> 0:13:42.673

That's from my book.

0:13:42.733 --> 0:13:43.774

And I still was like, wow.

0:13:44.074 --> 0:13:48.161

Not because of what the writing was so good, but because it like hit home so much for me.

0:13:48.456 --> 0:14:07.500

I acted like this so many times in relationships and it runs the gamut from having really wonderful boyfriends who could not have shown up more for me, who could not have been more consistent, who could not have been more loving, more reaffirming.

0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:13.841

And I still, like when they were out of my sight too much, I would get like a little bit anxious about,

0:14:14.441 --> 0:14:17.405

And I still had that like need for togetherness.

0:14:18.145 --> 0:14:24.432

And I still had that need to like call and reaffirm and just check, kind of like reaching your hand out.

0:14:24.552 --> 0:14:25.513

Are you still there?

0:14:27.916 --> 0:14:32.801

And I will say with the really good partners, I did feel safer.

0:14:33.042 --> 0:14:35.865

You know, I felt better, but I was still a little bit anxious.

0:14:36.838 --> 0:14:40.680

Um, and there was the constant affirmation of like, do you love me?

0:14:40.820 --> 0:14:45.202

I was still anxious, even in the good, in the good relationships.

0:14:46.282 --> 0:14:49.320

Then in bad relationships off the charts, um,

0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:54.614

Then I had the bad relationships where I was constantly anxious, constantly paranoid of them doing something.

0:14:54.734 --> 0:14:57.395

I mean, the flip side of that is they actually were doing something.

0:14:57.415 --> 0:14:57.457

So I'm kind of like, oh, I mean, was I really just really smart and I knew they were doing something?

0:14:57.457 --> 0:14:59.892

Like, did I have really good instincts or was I anxious?

0:14:59.912 --> 0:15:00.892

I mean, come on.

0:15:02.393 --> 0:15:06.536

So, yeah, I mean, the thing I want to reaffirm about this is.

0:15:07.545 --> 0:15:13.730

Working through your attachment style to get to a secure attachment style

0:15:15.227 --> 0:15:16.647

is beneficial for you.

0:15:16.768 --> 0:15:18.448

It's not beneficial for your partners.

0:15:19.608 --> 0:15:28.631

I mean, I'm sure your partners would say it is, but it's beneficial for you in your life to feel better, to feel more secure, to not have that anxiety.

0:15:31.052 --> 0:15:38.454

So yeah, like I said, I think back and I'm like, oh gosh, I don't want to feel like that in a partnership anymore.

0:15:38.554 --> 0:15:40.275

Like I do not want to feel like that.

0:15:40.534 --> 0:15:40.542

And we'll get to that in a minute.

0:15:40.622 --> 0:15:47.666

So the fearful avoidant attachment style, what I have read is fortunately this attachment style is not very common.

0:15:47.786 --> 0:15:52.669

I think it comes from a lot of like personality disorders, things like that.

0:15:54.190 --> 0:15:57.793

It's a hard one to have for yourself, and it's a hard one to be partnered up with.

0:15:58.853 --> 0:16:03.557

This partner is avoidant of getting close to others for fear of getting hurt or abandoned.

0:16:04.197 --> 0:16:12.503

In retaliation, they will act out with aggression when they sense closeness or when they sense closeness.

0:16:13.023 --> 0:16:15.565

So this partner is uncomfortable with intimacy.

0:16:16.106 --> 0:16:18.687

When closeness occurs, instead of pulling away...

0:16:20.032 --> 0:16:23.273

they start a fight, possibly name calling or worse.

0:16:23.393 --> 0:16:29.196

It's disorienting, chaotic, confusing because it's so inconsistent.

0:16:29.336 --> 0:16:32.657

Like it's like kind of the love bombing and then the fighting.

0:16:33.076 --> 0:16:40.715

And if you have it in yourself, and if you are coupled up with this, it's probably a really unhealthy, toxic relationship.

0:16:40.856 --> 0:16:41.016

So

0:16:44.451 --> 0:16:55.076

So if hearing all of this, you have pinpointed who you are, or if you have not, search attachment style quizzes just in your little Google bar there.

0:16:55.957 --> 0:17:00.799

There's plenty of attachment style quizzes to like help you figure out who you are.

0:17:00.819 --> 0:17:11.499

Or like I said, grab that book attached and it will, I can't imagine by the end you won't, you won't have pinpointed your attachment style and your partner's attachment style.

0:17:11.538 --> 0:17:13.800

So attachment styles can change throughout your life.

0:17:14.220 --> 0:17:16.842

You can start really anxious, like I was saying.

0:17:16.862 --> 0:17:18.764

I moved to avoidant.

0:17:19.304 --> 0:17:24.288

Like I know there was this part in my life where I was pushing everyone away.

0:17:24.308 --> 0:17:27.731

I was choosing partners that I knew would push me away.

0:17:27.751 --> 0:17:35.057

I was choosing partners that I knew wouldn't meet me in a secure place.

0:17:35.297 --> 0:17:38.720

So I just could avoid the whole partnership thing altogether.

0:17:39.781 --> 0:17:43.605

Um, I'm now kind of, I like to think I'm secure.

0:17:43.665 --> 0:17:52.075

I'm sure someone could argue I'm avoidant, but I like to think I'm in a secure place right now, but I am not dating.

0:17:52.115 --> 0:17:56.060

I just do not want to date, but I like to think I'm in a secure place.

0:17:56.647 --> 0:17:58.909

But I kind of, I like to think I've worked through my issues.

0:17:59.029 --> 0:18:00.010

Maybe I'm still avoidant.

0:18:00.130 --> 0:18:00.631

I don't know.

0:18:02.232 --> 0:18:03.073

You know, whatever.

0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:08.164

Here's the big wake up call of wisdom about this whole thing.

0:18:08.916 --> 0:18:14.102

You aren't going to give an avoidant partner so much space they finally become secure.

0:18:14.843 --> 0:18:20.510

Maybe they decide to change one day, but it won't be because you acted so cool they couldn't resist commitment.

0:18:20.824 --> 0:18:28.847

Similarly, if someone is insecure, you can love and support them in an effort toward their personal growth, but you can't do the work for them.

0:18:29.268 --> 0:18:33.309

As with everything, attachment styles are an inside job.

0:18:34.009 --> 0:18:40.012

It's only possible when someone demands a better connection to themselves and decides to change on their own.

0:18:40.901 --> 0:18:52.263

So when I read about Attachment Styles, I read that book Attached, it made me realize so many of my past relationships, the avoidant ones,

0:18:53.810 --> 0:18:58.711

All the effort I was putting in, all that work I was putting in was so futile, first of all.

0:18:59.291 --> 0:19:01.112

And it kind of made me let them go.

0:19:01.132 --> 0:19:04.272

I was like, what was I, like, that was not on me.

0:19:05.093 --> 0:19:09.894

They had an attachment style that was unchangeable, unmovable.

0:19:10.534 --> 0:19:12.054

If they change it one day, great.

0:19:12.354 --> 0:19:13.634

But it had nothing to do with me.

0:19:13.694 --> 0:19:19.816

And I was sitting there, you know, banging my head against a wall, banging my head against an avoidant attachment.

0:19:20.836 --> 0:19:27.117

thinking I could change it, trying to change it, maybe just because it was the game, maybe because it was the hardest thing to do.

0:19:27.137 --> 0:19:28.338

You know, who knows?

0:19:29.518 --> 0:19:32.258

But that was futile.

0:19:32.278 --> 0:19:41.760

And what I should have done and what I think I did start doing was going into dating situations going, huh, they're avoidant.

0:19:42.321 --> 0:19:43.081

No, thank you.

0:19:43.201 --> 0:19:48.882

Because I didn't want to waste my time on an attachment style that was impossible for me to change.

0:19:49.782 --> 0:19:50.883

They can only change it.

0:19:50.923 --> 0:19:51.043

And I...

0:19:52.624 --> 0:19:59.269

So if you're listening to this and you're wondering about your attachment style, I have a little exercise in the book that I talk about.

0:20:00.350 --> 0:20:06.774

Take out a piece of paper and a pen and think back to your last three relationships.

0:20:07.655 --> 0:20:10.497

What attachment styles, based on what you've learned –

0:20:11.297 --> 0:20:30.752

were your partners acting out and what were you bringing to the relationship is there a prominent style that's appearing in your partners are you always going for the avoidant are you always ending up with anxious people um are you secure and they're secure ding ding ding you win uh you can stop re you can stop listening

0:20:31.614 --> 0:20:35.596

Uh, do, did your styles change over time?

0:20:35.616 --> 0:20:36.866

Um, taking into account what you know about attachments so far, is there anything you could have done differently with past partners or with a current mate to make your relationship healthier?

0:20:36.988 --> 0:20:40.750

So do you find yourself with avoidant partners or anxious partners?

0:20:41.350 --> 0:20:41.950

Do you know why?

0:20:42.688 --> 0:20:45.211

So back to our secure attachment style.

0:20:45.390 --> 0:20:48.271

The jackpot lottery winner of all attachment styles.

0:20:51.072 --> 0:20:53.352

Like I was saying, it's the one we all aim to get.

0:20:53.913 --> 0:20:56.393

And you might be kind of like, okay, great.

0:20:56.593 --> 0:20:57.413

How do you do that?

0:20:57.573 --> 0:21:02.815

Well, it's kind of everything that we talk about in this podcast and everything I talk about in my book.

0:21:02.955 --> 0:21:03.495

It's about...

0:21:05.038 --> 0:21:08.983

you know, your self-worth, your self-image, seeing yourself better.

0:21:09.003 --> 0:21:15.110

That's really about how you work towards a secure attachment style.

0:21:15.745 --> 0:21:17.085

It's about working on your self-worth, working on your self-image, working on yourself.

0:21:17.465 --> 0:21:18.845

It's the old adage.

0:21:19.045 --> 0:21:22.666

I mean, you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy with yourself.

0:21:22.726 --> 0:21:25.087

If you're not happy with yourself, if you're insecure with yourself,

0:21:25.688 --> 0:21:28.069

Of course, you're going to be insecure in a relationship.

0:21:28.229 --> 0:21:37.314

I think avoidant attachment styles are probably just a different way of expressing insecurity.

0:21:39.635 --> 0:21:52.522

So it's just a matter of working on your self-worth, working through those things in your past and coming to a place where you feel solid and good on your own and

0:21:53.542 --> 0:21:56.125

and good enough to partner up with someone else.

0:21:56.706 --> 0:22:04.089

But it's really kind of like an oxymoron because you have to feel good on your own to be with someone else.

0:22:04.089 --> 0:22:13.503

I always recommend, you know, overthinking the way back to not for too long, pick it up, put it down is what I always say.

0:22:13.523 --> 0:22:13.563

Um,

0:22:14.412 --> 0:22:17.276

But overthinking the way back, where did it come from?

0:22:17.316 --> 0:22:18.217

Where did it start?

0:22:18.278 --> 0:22:23.305

Like I said, I can see where my anxious attachment style started way back.

0:22:24.086 --> 0:22:27.270

I can kind of follow it through and then kind of try to break it.

0:22:27.290 --> 0:22:30.915

I always advocate...

0:22:31.616 --> 0:22:40.466

I mean, for me personally, I don't advocate for it, but I, for me personally, I always kind of overthink the way back and then go, okay, I get it.

0:22:40.506 --> 0:22:43.870

Like I have to just me personally, how my brain works.

0:22:43.930 --> 0:22:46.693

I have to understand it to let it go.

0:22:46.714 --> 0:22:46.754

So.

0:22:49.298 --> 0:22:57.703

if you can kind of overthink where it started, pick it up, put it down, overthink it and do better is kind of my mantra.

0:22:58.239 --> 0:23:10.688

It's really where the name came from, from this podcast, Overthinking in Your Underwear, a self-help podcast, is I needed to overthink my way to happiness.

0:23:10.788 --> 0:23:15.071

I needed to understand everything in order to come out better on the other side.

0:23:15.121 --> 0:23:16.804

I hope this is helpful for you.

0:23:17.525 --> 0:23:23.452

Again, we'll continue to overthink other things in the future, failure, all of it.

0:23:23.592 --> 0:23:27.237

Let's overthink it all, you guys.

0:23:27.537 --> 0:23:30.340

Until next time, I am wishing you all good thoughts.

This week, Lindsay shares the notes she's been collecting in her phone ranging from Taylor Swift, Gypsy Rose Blanchard and Joe Koi, plus what it means to be cool, why are we so scared and how she recently discovered lazy lying. 

If you enjoyed this episode, you may also like Self-doubt, Imposter Syndrome, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves. Liking the podcast? Grab the book, Overthinking in Your Underwear, now on Amazon. It’s part memoir, part self-help, all kinds of fun.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

In this episode, Lindsay takes you through her favorite overthinking exercises from her book to set you up for a successful 2024.

In this episode, you’ll overthink:

* What do you want to love and leave this year?

* Finding your purpose

* Dealing with failure

* Handling distractions

* And more!

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Or follow the show on Apple or Spotify.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

In this episode, Lindsay overthinks dogs, the NFL, her first job, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and the stories we tell ourselves.

If you like this episode, you may also like: Imposter syndrome, creativity and playing small.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free or follow the show on your apps.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

First show of the New Year! Lindsay overthinks working her way out of a rut, her relationship with alcohol, and Dry January. In this episode, grab tips on: 

* Working yourself out of a rut

* Drinking less

* How to tackle Dry January & Overthink your own addictive behaviors

Let me put this right here because I completely misquote it in the podcast: From Wikipedia. "Dry January is a campaign delivered by Alcohol Change UK where people sign up to abstain from alcohol for the month of January. The term "Dry January" is a registered trademark with Alcohol Change UK and was first registered in 2014."

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.

* More overthinking? Listen next to: Alcoholism, sobriety, recovery and Ryan's trip to Peru.

Transcript

Welcome to overthinking in your underwear.

0:00:11.837 --> 0:00:21.242

I'm Lindsay and this week we are overthinking a lot of things like just look at the title because I lumped this into a lot of things for the new year.

0:00:21.799 --> 0:00:26.981

If you have just made your way to my podcast, thank you.

0:00:27.001 --> 0:00:28.342

I appreciate it so much.

0:00:29.662 --> 0:00:30.863

Let me tell you a little bit about it.

0:00:30.983 --> 0:00:36.385

This is a self-help podcast that doesn't take itself too seriously is what I like to say.

0:00:36.685 --> 0:00:45.569

I launched a book last year about this time, Overthinking in Your Underwear, and this kind of just continues the conversation with you guys.

0:00:46.803 --> 0:00:52.508

So the book is a self-help podcast that kind of takes you through my personal growth journey.

0:00:53.369 --> 0:01:05.080

And that's what I'm continuing to do here, just kind of sharing personal stories and personal advice in a way that's easy and accessible, not obsessible, but maybe.

0:01:06.201 --> 0:01:13.407

What I like to say is outside of clinical talk and spiritual wackery, it's just kind of straightforward and to the

0:01:13.999 --> 0:01:15.259

So I hope you like it.

0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:22.321

You can go back and listen to some episodes from last year if this is your first time here or just let's roll now, you know.

0:01:23.621 --> 0:01:30.363

Occasionally I bring on experts or friends that I think have had some experience in whatever we're talking about.

0:01:30.383 --> 0:01:35.725

And sometimes it's just, you know, me rolling solo like today.

0:01:36.525 --> 0:01:41.006

So first of all, I just wanted to talk about a little bit of a rut I had.

0:01:41.832 --> 0:01:42.853

in the middle of December.

0:01:42.953 --> 0:01:47.055

So ruts are just getting down a little bit.

0:01:47.155 --> 0:01:50.417

And I wanted to talk about that because it happens to all of us.

0:01:50.977 --> 0:01:56.760

And what happened was I got sick in the middle of December.

0:01:56.780 --> 0:02:03.704

And for all of my chronic illness babes out there, I feel you.

0:02:04.940 --> 0:02:11.604

I have chronic migraines and with it comes a lot of fatigue and nausea.

0:02:12.584 --> 0:02:16.066

And sometimes I can't get out of bed for a long time.

0:02:16.627 --> 0:02:19.508

And it was about two weeks that I was down.

0:02:20.389 --> 0:02:25.112

And it can really get to you, you know, physically and emotionally when you feel like that.

0:02:25.552 --> 0:02:29.334

And I'm not asking for a pity party because I know people have.

0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:31.360

way bigger things than that.

0:02:31.460 --> 0:02:34.561

And I'm grateful that it's only what it is.

0:02:35.241 --> 0:02:46.244

But when you feel like that, sometimes what happens, and this is what happened to me, like the physical part starts to wane and you start to feel better.

0:02:46.264 --> 0:02:49.265

And then you're battling the emotional part, you know?

0:02:50.873 --> 0:03:00.544

you're battling the emotional part of, okay, I know I'm physically feeling better, but I feel really down now just because I'm trying to like wrap up my body again.

0:03:00.724 --> 0:03:05.469

Sometimes I think like some of the medicine that I take for my migraines gets me down too.

0:03:06.250 --> 0:03:08.673

So I had to like, I felt like,

0:03:09.796 --> 0:03:17.959

start from square one, maybe not square one, but go through a lot of those practices that I have talked to you guys about.

0:03:18.139 --> 0:03:26.243

I literally went back and listened to that seven steps to happiness that I shared with you guys.

0:03:26.383 --> 0:03:30.324

And I was like, okay, what do I need to do to get happy?

0:03:31.144 --> 0:03:32.345

In that, I say something that it

0:03:33.569 --> 0:03:39.471

I think is so important, which is build a foundation where happiness can find its footing.

0:03:39.491 --> 0:03:42.192

And that one is the most important.

0:03:42.312 --> 0:03:44.813

And it's really just like creating happiness habits.

0:03:45.793 --> 0:03:57.077

And I had to just remind myself, get up, go to yoga, eat good food, get good sleep, do these things, and you will feel better.

0:03:57.238 --> 0:04:01.099

And one thing I did that I think helped me was

0:04:01.641 --> 0:04:04.622

It was just a Monday, which Mondays are never good.

0:04:05.503 --> 0:04:10.985

And I said to myself, okay, do the things you know you need to do, those happiness habits.

0:04:11.825 --> 0:04:15.767

And by this time next week, you might feel bad for a week.

0:04:15.847 --> 0:04:17.968

Just don't overthink it.

0:04:18.268 --> 0:04:19.008

There's that word.

0:04:19.488 --> 0:04:20.329

Don't overthink it.

0:04:21.309 --> 0:04:25.331

But by this time next week, I guarantee you will be better.

0:04:25.371 --> 0:04:30.613

There's no way you're going to feel as bad as you feel now if you do those things.

0:04:31.763 --> 0:04:32.263

And I did.

0:04:32.283 --> 0:04:35.405

I got up and went to yoga, even though I didn't want to.

0:04:35.426 --> 0:04:41.129

I ate good food, even though you want a pizza when you feel like that.

0:04:41.149 --> 0:04:44.271

I was productive, all the things, right?

0:04:44.572 --> 0:04:46.273

All the things you know you need to be doing.

0:04:46.433 --> 0:04:47.674

I don't drink anymore.

0:04:47.854 --> 0:04:51.636

So it wasn't a matter of like, okay, don't drink.

0:04:51.716 --> 0:04:56.520

But if that is a place you are in where you're trying to pull out, I would say do not drink.

0:04:57.360 --> 0:04:58.381

Drinking is a depressant.

0:04:59.443 --> 0:05:00.965

So I did those things.

0:05:01.245 --> 0:05:09.633

And a week later, I am not saying that I was like at my all time best and feeling the happiest I've ever felt.

0:05:09.753 --> 0:05:11.635

But I was like, I moved the needle.

0:05:11.715 --> 0:05:13.457

I definitely moved the needle.

0:05:14.708 --> 0:05:24.259

And that was a great lesson on just the power we have, that we are in control and that our happiness habits work.

0:05:25.140 --> 0:05:28.183

And so I kind of just was like, OK, let's keep going.

0:05:28.303 --> 0:05:29.525

Let's keep doing this.

0:05:30.125 --> 0:05:30.226

And.

0:05:33.088 --> 0:05:37.389

Happy to report I'm much better, feeling good physically and emotionally.

0:05:37.849 --> 0:05:42.490

But I just wanted to share that with you to let you guys know we all get in ruts.

0:05:42.650 --> 0:05:58.354

We all get in low places, and we all have to kind of do a reset, whether it's like kicked off from a physical illness or an emotional thing from a breakup or something that happens within your family or a job setback.

0:05:59.014 --> 0:06:01.616

We all get in those places.

0:06:02.097 --> 0:06:25.314

And we have to just kind of start those happiness habits over again, whether it's exercising, doing a gratitude list, talking to ourselves in a positive way, eliminating things that bring us down, whether that's drinking every night and you go, well, why am I drinking every night when I know that I'm in a low place?

0:06:25.414 --> 0:06:28.637

Why am I adding something to myself that's making me feel worse?

0:06:29.215 --> 0:06:35.641

which kind of brings me to, um, the next topic of this podcast, which is dry January.

0:06:35.781 --> 0:06:39.805

So we are in that month of dry January.

0:06:39.845 --> 0:06:43.908

So I wanted to do a little topic about drinking, um, today.

0:06:43.928 --> 0:06:47.632

And if you've listened to this podcast, I talk about drinking a lot.

0:06:47.692 --> 0:06:49.093

I mean, you might say I'm obsessed with it.

0:06:50.313 --> 0:06:55.014

Dry January came about because it was a, I'm going to get this wrong.

0:06:55.054 --> 0:06:56.615

Cause I'm not looking it up right now.

0:06:56.675 --> 0:06:58.235

I just kind of know this fact.

0:06:59.436 --> 0:07:01.576

It was a campaign by.

0:07:03.157 --> 0:07:06.238

Like stop drinking UK or something.

0:07:06.258 --> 0:07:14.620

And their campaign was dry January, like go dry in January to get people to quit drinking less.

0:07:14.680 --> 0:07:17.121

It was like the British council of alcohol or whatever.

0:07:17.973 --> 0:07:20.474

Lots of times things kind of catch on.

0:07:20.514 --> 0:07:26.436

They kind of catch on in the culture and even spread over here to the United States.

0:07:26.496 --> 0:07:29.617

And we go, well, where did this come from?

0:07:29.637 --> 0:07:32.298

It kind of seems like it's something that's around all the time.

0:07:32.318 --> 0:07:35.699

And it was actually an advertising campaign.

0:07:35.894 --> 0:07:43.250

He was kind of saying dry January is great to remind people about the effects of alcohol, about the benefits of going dry.

0:07:44.030 --> 0:07:54.978

But at the same time, if you're just not drinking in January and then saving up, saving up, saving up, and you can't wait to go crazy in February.

0:07:55.738 --> 0:08:11.080

it's really not doing you any good and it's you know you really are you know drinking just as much the other 11 months of the year and you're sitting there in january thinking about all the things you're going to drink in february

0:08:12.101 --> 0:08:13.022

It's really not that great.

0:08:13.442 --> 0:08:27.173

If you're taking this month to kind of reset and think about how you're going to mindfully drink the rest of the year, if you're thinking about maybe resetting and revising your relationship with alcohol, great.

0:08:27.294 --> 0:08:40.204

That's really, I think, I'm sure what the British Council of Alcohol had intended when they started this, not that people would take a break and then, you know, have a go all out wild February.

0:08:40.532 --> 0:08:45.288

Um, so to back up just a little bit, to tell you a little bit about my relationship with alcohol.

0:08:47.579 --> 0:08:51.942

I am one of those people that is just not a good drinker.

0:08:52.745 --> 0:08:57.988

I do not think I'm an alcoholic per se, but I am a bad drinker.

0:08:58.388 --> 0:09:02.191

And I say this quote a lot because I thought it was really poignant.

0:09:02.371 --> 0:09:09.716

I was having a conversation with my therapist years ago, and I was telling her yet another story about, well –

0:09:10.336 --> 0:09:13.518

I blacked out and then I did this and it wasn't great.

0:09:13.538 --> 0:09:16.539

And I was like, I mean, you know, I drink all the time.

0:09:16.599 --> 0:09:21.481

It's not like I go home and drink a bottle of wine every night.

0:09:21.521 --> 0:09:22.722

I'm not a daily drinker.

0:09:23.102 --> 0:09:24.943

I'm clearly not an alcoholic.

0:09:25.183 --> 0:09:30.265

And she said, you can have a problem with alcohol and not be an alcoholic.

0:09:32.688 --> 0:09:40.085

I was like, and that hit me, and that hit me really hard, that statement, because I was like, I do have a problem with alcohol.

0:09:40.825 --> 0:09:42.085

but I'm not an alcoholic.

0:09:42.265 --> 0:09:47.627

And I had always kind of equated all of the things you need to be an alcoholic.

0:09:47.647 --> 0:09:51.988

You need to have, do you need to have, do you need to drink a six pack a day?

0:09:52.408 --> 0:09:54.368

Do you need to drink alone?

0:09:54.388 --> 0:10:00.570

Do you need to, you know, have alcohol affect your job and affect your relationships?

0:10:00.650 --> 0:10:08.372

Do you need to have all of this like checklist that we see all the time to be considered quote, unquote, an alcoholic and have to give up drinking.

0:10:09.244 --> 0:10:10.645

And no, that's not true.

0:10:10.825 --> 0:10:14.106

You can just have a problematic drinking.

0:10:14.206 --> 0:10:16.427

You can just have a problem with alcohol.

0:10:16.527 --> 0:10:20.969

You can just be not a good drinker and decide this doesn't suit my life.

0:10:21.049 --> 0:10:22.510

This isn't who I want to be.

0:10:22.590 --> 0:10:28.173

This does not make me the best version of who I want to be and decide that you don't want it in your life anymore.

0:10:28.253 --> 0:10:32.515

And that's where I came to with it was I have a problem with alcohol.

0:10:33.235 --> 0:10:37.717

And if there's something that I have a problem with, I do not want it in my life anymore.

0:10:38.837 --> 0:10:52.863

So I had kind of gone through my life and my, you know, 18 to 30 years old drinking, you know, at the same pattern and at the same rate I saw the people around me.

0:10:54.304 --> 0:11:02.287

My best friend who's been on this podcast is four inches taller than me, five inches taller than me, six inches taller than me.

0:11:02.487 --> 0:11:03.608

She's a lot taller than me.

0:11:04.148 --> 0:11:05.549

She's a lot taller than me.

0:11:06.090 --> 0:11:11.715

I was always trying to drink as much as she could drink, as much as she drank, because I really didn't understand when we were younger.

0:11:11.735 --> 0:11:16.920

I didn't understand that she was metabolizing things differently than me.

0:11:17.440 --> 0:11:23.646

Even without height and weight, genetically, you can just metabolize alcohol differently.

0:11:23.706 --> 0:11:28.290

And I think I just metabolized it differently and didn't handle alcohol well.

0:11:29.827 --> 0:11:31.909

It was not something that I could handle.

0:11:31.930 --> 0:11:34.392

I'd have a drink and I could immediately feel it.

0:11:34.993 --> 0:11:36.314

It made me feel bad.

0:11:36.335 --> 0:11:37.356

It gave me headaches.

0:11:37.436 --> 0:11:38.197

I had hangovers.

0:11:38.257 --> 0:11:40.039

I mean, I don't even know why I ever drank, okay?

0:11:43.219 --> 0:11:45.781

It was really just something that did not suit my life.

0:11:45.961 --> 0:11:47.142

I would black out.

0:11:47.282 --> 0:11:50.004

I would feel really bad about myself the next day.

0:11:50.024 --> 0:11:51.925

I would wonder what I said.

0:11:51.945 --> 0:11:53.166

I would wonder what I did.

0:11:53.186 --> 0:11:55.167

I would put myself in harm's way.

0:11:55.287 --> 0:12:01.171

There's a story that I have told on the podcast about I passed out in a cab.

0:12:02.032 --> 0:12:05.674

The next day, I didn't know how I got to my apartment.

0:12:06.294 --> 0:12:11.398

And I found out later that the cab driver and a neighbor had to walk me to my apartment, essentially.

0:12:12.439 --> 0:12:16.622

And that really, you know, all turned out well.

0:12:16.722 --> 0:12:25.648

But what really scared me was that I was in such a state that I was incapacitated in the back of a cab and I did not know how to get myself home.

0:12:25.728 --> 0:12:31.673

And that's a really scary thing to be at a place to put yourself in as a young woman.

0:12:31.968 --> 0:12:36.891

So that really scared, I really scared my, I really scared myself sober.

0:12:36.931 --> 0:12:37.431

I'll tell you.

0:12:37.451 --> 0:12:41.373

Um, I realized it just was not for me.

0:12:41.493 --> 0:12:41.893

Okay.

0:12:42.293 --> 0:12:48.396

So I got to the place in my thirties that I just realized,

0:12:49.253 --> 0:12:55.060

you know, I think I tried maybe to do, I'm going to have a drink here or a drink there.

0:12:55.221 --> 0:12:59.326

And I'll be honest, I would go out for happy hour and I'd be like, I'm going to have one drink.

0:12:59.826 --> 0:13:00.800

I'm going to have one drink.

0:13:01.062 --> 0:13:03.485

And I was just never someone that could have one drink.

0:13:03.805 --> 0:13:10.772

I would have two drinks that would turn to five drinks and it would just, it would end up at the same place that I was before.

0:13:11.252 --> 0:13:17.379

And I remember sitting there and telling myself, okay, you can go out tonight and have one drink.

0:13:17.659 --> 0:13:18.780

You can have one drink.

0:13:18.980 --> 0:13:23.805

But if that one drinks turns into four drinks and you're hungover tomorrow,

0:13:25.058 --> 0:13:25.779

You can't have any.

0:13:25.979 --> 0:13:29.942

Like it's, this is a trust exercise that you have with yourself.

0:13:30.022 --> 0:13:36.027

And that's something that I talk about a lot too, that like self-trust is the most important trust you have in your life.

0:13:36.127 --> 0:13:38.069

It is the most important thing you have in your life.

0:13:38.129 --> 0:13:41.152

And if you can't trust yourself, you don't have anything.

0:13:41.252 --> 0:13:43.073

And it really affects your self-worth.

0:13:43.974 --> 0:13:46.556

And I didn't trust myself for a long time.

0:13:46.616 --> 0:13:50.259

And I can't tell you how badly I felt about myself.

0:13:51.420 --> 0:13:52.321

The feeling of,

0:13:52.834 --> 0:13:54.395

I'm going to go out and have one drink.

0:13:54.615 --> 0:13:56.375

And I knew I was lying to myself.

0:13:56.515 --> 0:14:00.217

And I did not trust myself that that one drink wasn't going to turn into four.

0:14:01.558 --> 0:14:03.218

That was a horrible feeling.

0:14:03.338 --> 0:14:08.060

It was a horrible feeling not to trust yourself.

0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:10.521

And I went through that for a while.

0:14:10.601 --> 0:14:12.462

So I said that you could have a one drink.

0:14:12.562 --> 0:14:14.323

And then I knew I was lying.

0:14:14.343 --> 0:14:16.383

I knew I was lying.

0:14:16.443 --> 0:14:20.185

I knew I couldn't trust the most important person in my life, which was me.

0:14:21.666 --> 0:14:22.606

And I go out.

0:14:23.474 --> 0:14:27.636

and I'd have one drink, and the one drink would turn into four.

0:14:28.216 --> 0:14:32.018

And the next morning, I'd wake up, and I'd have a horrible hangover.

0:14:32.058 --> 0:14:33.919

I just had these horrible hangovers.

0:14:34.086 --> 0:14:36.545

And like I say in the book, the worst part wasn't

0:14:37.175 --> 0:14:43.802

the physical feeling, it was the emotional feeling that I had broken a promise to myself.

0:14:44.463 --> 0:14:46.945

That was a horrible feeling that I couldn't trust myself.

0:14:47.045 --> 0:14:51.610

And it actually seeps into every other part of your life when you think, well,

0:14:52.611 --> 0:14:58.653

If you go out with a guy and you say, well, I'm not going to call him back, you don't really trust yourself.

0:14:58.713 --> 0:15:00.074

Your word means nothing.

0:15:00.614 --> 0:15:04.555

You think, well, I don't trust myself about the drinking.

0:15:04.615 --> 0:15:08.117

I don't trust myself not to text him back if I say I'm not going to text him back.

0:15:08.637 --> 0:15:09.637

I have a work project.

0:15:09.697 --> 0:15:11.438

I say I'm going to get it done on by Friday.

0:15:11.458 --> 0:15:12.058

Well, I don't know.

0:15:12.118 --> 0:15:12.838

Am I going to do that?

0:15:12.878 --> 0:15:14.259

I'm not a trustworthy person.

0:15:14.379 --> 0:15:17.420

I am not a trustworthy person when it comes to me getting

0:15:18.281 --> 0:15:25.044

when it comes to me relying on myself and your self-trust, I cannot even tell you how important it is.

0:15:25.644 --> 0:15:26.404

And it takes time.

0:15:26.505 --> 0:15:30.246

It takes time to build that up and earn it back once you've broken it.

0:15:30.718 --> 0:15:37.405

So after I realized, I finally got to the point, when I finally got to the point where I said,

0:15:38.906 --> 0:15:43.388

Clearly the one, clearly this just having one drink doesn't work.

0:15:43.848 --> 0:15:45.669

Clearly you're not a trustworthy person.

0:15:47.190 --> 0:15:50.632

Clearly this doesn't, clearly your word means nothing.

0:15:51.632 --> 0:15:53.693

You're going to have to go, you're going to have to go nothing.

0:15:54.494 --> 0:15:59.496

Um, I, I did and I said, okay, I'm, I'm done.

0:15:59.696 --> 0:16:00.397

I'm done with this.

0:16:01.117 --> 0:16:05.419

So I quit drinking and at first it was hard.

0:16:05.707 --> 0:16:10.156

But it was hard because situationally,

0:16:11.753 --> 0:16:19.258

drinking alcohol is so woven into the fabric of our lives and our society, as you guys all know.

0:16:19.718 --> 0:16:23.861

I mean, everyone says, let's go grab a drink.

0:16:23.921 --> 0:16:24.922

Do you want to have a drink?

0:16:24.982 --> 0:16:30.645

I mean, whether in a dating situation, people want to have a drink, let's have a drink.

0:16:30.805 --> 0:16:33.827

If in a girlfriend situation, let's have a glass of wine.

0:16:34.208 --> 0:16:35.368

Let's have a wine night.

0:16:35.749 --> 0:16:37.029

Let's get, let's get drinks.

0:16:37.290 --> 0:16:37.590

And it's

0:16:38.350 --> 0:16:50.301

So awkward, I'll just say it's so awkward to not drink in a society that holds alcohol up as hero.

0:16:50.761 --> 0:16:53.023

It is very, very awkward.

0:16:53.483 --> 0:16:59.949

So at the beginning, I didn't at the beginning, I didn't know what to do.

0:17:00.009 --> 0:17:01.270

I'll be honest.

0:17:02.031 --> 0:17:05.314

You go out to happy hours and I say this in the book.

0:17:06.389 --> 0:17:12.471

In the beginning, you have to tell every person you ever happyed your hour with that you don't drink anymore.

0:17:13.432 --> 0:17:17.614

Every person that you used to, I mean, we all have those party friends.

0:17:17.694 --> 0:17:18.794

We all have those.

0:17:19.834 --> 0:17:26.837

We all have those friends that we used to go out and drink with and used to stay up late and order another bottle and get another round.

0:17:26.917 --> 0:17:28.358

We all have those friends.

0:17:28.438 --> 0:17:32.480

As great as your friends are, I think they're taken aback.

0:17:32.540 --> 0:17:34.601

And I understand why that's hard for them.

0:17:34.661 --> 0:17:36.882

And they kind of go, oh, okay.

0:17:36.902 --> 0:17:37.862

All right.

0:17:38.643 --> 0:17:40.864

And at first, it's very hard.

0:17:41.184 --> 0:17:43.045

And eventually...

0:17:44.925 --> 0:17:45.986

Eventually they get it.

0:17:46.086 --> 0:17:48.327

And I think at first they don't really believe you.

0:17:48.447 --> 0:17:50.389

They don't really trust you because you know what?

0:17:51.229 --> 0:17:52.530

You don't really trust yourself.

0:17:53.251 --> 0:17:54.211

And then they get it.

0:17:54.311 --> 0:18:00.015

They get that you really are going to order water or deny the drink or just have a Diet Coke.

0:18:01.179 --> 0:18:06.602

And before the waiter can even give you the wine list, they say, she just doesn't drink.

0:18:06.602 --> 0:18:11.701

And sitting through those social situations and those happy hours, they're itchy.

0:18:11.861 --> 0:18:14.263

I have to tell you, it's itchy at first.

0:18:14.403 --> 0:18:14.944

And you're like...

0:18:15.744 --> 0:18:18.066

I don't know what to do with my hands.

0:18:18.266 --> 0:18:19.327

I don't know what to do.

0:18:19.547 --> 0:18:21.189

Like, this is very weird.

0:18:23.471 --> 0:18:24.151

It's awkward.

0:18:24.912 --> 0:18:29.236

Now I will, let me just tell you now, I don't find it awkward anymore.

0:18:29.396 --> 0:18:31.378

A few years later, I don't find it awkward.

0:18:31.418 --> 0:18:32.719

I always order a Sprite.

0:18:33.259 --> 0:18:37.123

I kind of like nurse the Sprite or I have a Diet Coke.

0:18:37.543 --> 0:18:40.566

And those aren't things I normally drink, like just in my everyday life.

0:18:41.808 --> 0:18:43.690

So they're kind of fun, I guess.

0:18:44.932 --> 0:18:46.453

I love to have an appetizer.

0:18:46.473 --> 0:18:51.819

So I'm just like, those are my treats and I'm eating my appetizer.

0:18:51.839 --> 0:18:54.482

I'm drinking my drinks.

0:18:54.963 --> 0:19:00.249

I'm drinking my sugary drinks while my friends are having their cocktails.

0:19:00.449 --> 0:19:01.930

And that's fine for me.

0:19:02.031 --> 0:19:02.891

And I don't feel...

0:19:04.643 --> 0:19:06.145

I don't feel awkward about it.

0:19:06.405 --> 0:19:12.431

Now, I'm also at an age where happy hour really is a few hours.

0:19:13.512 --> 0:19:17.275

If it was longer than that, I'm not going out till two in the morning with anyone.

0:19:17.335 --> 0:19:21.439

I'm not staying up till, I'm not going, I'm not bar hopping and going out till midnight.

0:19:21.499 --> 0:19:22.080

So if you're at

0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:43.894

you know, if you're 25 and you're trying to stop drinking, I have a lot more sympathy for that because I have a lot of sympathy for you because I understand that, you know, your friends will start happy hour and then they want to go to the next bar and they want to go to the next bar and they go to late night bars and they want to go to after bars and keeping that momentum and keeping that energy is really, really hard.

0:19:44.915 --> 0:19:46.656

Whereas I'm at the age where

0:19:47.544 --> 0:19:51.848

My friends and I go to happy hour or dinner, and it's a few hours.

0:19:52.209 --> 0:19:54.351

And they want to go home.

0:19:54.451 --> 0:19:55.512

They have families.

0:19:55.612 --> 0:19:57.034

They have work the next day.

0:19:57.154 --> 0:19:58.015

We're all busy.

0:19:58.275 --> 0:19:59.897

We are all in our 40s.

0:20:00.978 --> 0:20:04.602

No one's staying out until 2 in the morning, no matter if they're having cocktails or not.

0:20:04.678 --> 0:20:08.341

But if you are younger, I understand how that's so hard.

0:20:08.501 --> 0:20:10.783

And what I will tell you if you are younger,

0:20:11.211 --> 0:20:12.031

Go to the happy hour.

0:20:12.432 --> 0:20:13.172

Go to the party.

0:20:13.632 --> 0:20:18.034

When it gets to be 11 o'clock and your friends are staying out till 2, go home.

0:20:18.514 --> 0:20:25.857

I mean, if you want to stay out and you have fun being sober and dancing till 2 in the morning and it's no problem, absolutely do it.

0:20:26.418 --> 0:20:29.939

But if it's 11 o'clock and it's painful, go home.

0:20:30.239 --> 0:20:31.660

You're not going to miss anything.

0:20:31.845 --> 0:20:33.716

If you've been someone who's drank, and I'll tell you as someone who's drinking, no one really even remembers.

0:20:34.036 --> 0:20:35.137

No one is going to remember.

0:20:35.217 --> 0:20:41.321

I mean, I've been in those situations and I've ducked out and my friends have said the next day, they think I'm there.

0:20:41.542 --> 0:20:42.843

They go, oh, do you remember this?

0:20:43.123 --> 0:20:44.204

Oh, were you there for this?

0:20:44.464 --> 0:20:47.046

Oh, did you do this?

0:20:47.086 --> 0:20:48.126

Did you go with us there?

0:20:48.166 --> 0:20:49.507

Did you go with us to the next bar?

0:20:49.547 --> 0:20:51.569

And I'm like, I went home at 11.

0:20:52.149 --> 0:20:53.290

They don't even remember.

0:20:53.530 --> 0:20:54.251

Like, don't.

0:20:55.057 --> 0:20:58.199

make yourself think you have to stay up for your friend's blackout.

0:20:58.339 --> 0:20:58.879

You don't.

0:20:59.539 --> 0:21:00.320

Go home at 11.

0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:04.622

When you're ready to go home, it's completely fine, right?

0:21:04.902 --> 0:21:05.942

You don't have to stay up.

0:21:06.238 --> 0:21:14.943

And I will say the quitting of the drinking is one of the best, if not the best thing I have done for myself.

0:21:15.304 --> 0:21:16.044

It really is.

0:21:16.644 --> 0:21:17.825

If you are struggling with...

0:21:19.454 --> 0:21:30.706

anxiety or depression, self-worth, and you're drinking too much, it is the one thing you can do to really shift things.

0:21:31.226 --> 0:21:32.668

I can't emphasize it enough.

0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:41.108

I don't mean to get on a soapbox, but I just want people to know it's such the secret sauce that you can do to really change things.

0:21:41.308 --> 0:21:42.108

It really can.

0:21:42.149 --> 0:21:43.430

I mean, it gives you clarity.

0:21:43.450 --> 0:21:46.712

It gives you, it alleviates depression.

0:21:46.733 --> 0:21:50.376

Oh, I held up my thumb and it did a thumbs up.

0:21:50.536 --> 0:21:51.577

How strange.

0:21:51.857 --> 0:21:52.544

Okay.

0:21:52.544 --> 0:21:56.451

And for me, you know, you make all these mistakes when you're, for me, someone who's like an overthinker, like a big time overthinker.

0:21:56.471 --> 0:22:02.136

And when you're drunk, you do these things that are outside yourself and you feel bad and

0:22:02.716 --> 0:22:25.705

you said something stupid or you hook up with a guy that you shouldn't and then the next day you're beating the next week you're beating yourself up you feel terrible you're overthinking how you acted it takes so much time and so much effort to get yourself back on the right path like you're always correcting for the mistakes you made on the weekend how can you ever get yourself

0:22:26.265 --> 0:22:29.893

on the right path if you're always correcting for the mistakes you made on the weekend.

0:22:30.294 --> 0:22:32.840

I mean, I just don't, it just, it doesn't work.

0:22:32.940 --> 0:22:33.622

It does not work.

0:22:34.729 --> 0:22:41.511

So I also think that the not drinking was such a crucial element to the self-trust.

0:22:42.111 --> 0:22:43.792

The self-trust took time.

0:22:44.752 --> 0:22:54.895

It took time for me to believe that I really wasn't going to drink when I went out to a happy hour or I had to go to a Christmas party or whatever it was.

0:22:55.255 --> 0:22:57.615

It took time for me to earn that trust.

0:22:58.075 --> 0:23:02.617

But with every kind of event or social gathering or whatever it was,

0:23:03.977 --> 0:23:07.883

I earned my trust back in little increments and elements, right?

0:23:08.384 --> 0:23:12.189

So I started to trust myself and that felt so good.

0:23:12.330 --> 0:23:18.278

And that did so much for my self-worth and it bled over to other elements of my life where I trusted myself.

0:23:19.280 --> 0:23:24.664

I knew my word had weight and I knew if I said I was going to do something, I was going to do it.

0:23:24.984 --> 0:23:36.191

And before I didn't know that, before I didn't believe that because I had lost so much, I had lost so much trust and I had lost so much credibility with myself.

0:23:36.640 --> 0:23:53.948

If you're trying to quit drinking or smoking or anything and any kind of addictive behavior, a little bit of advice that I can give is in the book I have, I always have like these exercises that go with things.

0:23:53.968 --> 0:23:59.091

So take a blank sheet of paper and write down at the top like

0:23:59.551 --> 0:24:00.172

quit drinking.

0:24:00.772 --> 0:24:05.736

And on the right side, write down everything you get from, from stopping drinking.

0:24:05.776 --> 0:24:07.037

What would you gain from it?

0:24:07.118 --> 0:24:07.778

What would you gain?

0:24:08.679 --> 0:24:12.962

Clear head, better sleep, more self-confidence.

0:24:13.543 --> 0:24:15.865

Maybe I would perform better at work.

0:24:16.125 --> 0:24:17.646

Maybe I could get to work earlier.

0:24:18.227 --> 0:24:19.648

Maybe I could start working out.

0:24:19.728 --> 0:24:21.029

Maybe I could work out better.

0:24:21.289 --> 0:24:22.910

Maybe I'd lose weight.

0:24:24.051 --> 0:24:25.472

Maybe I'd have less anxiety.

0:24:25.892 --> 0:24:32.755

And then on the other side, write what you would gain from keeping your behavior.

0:24:34.376 --> 0:24:36.156

Social situations are easier.

0:24:36.477 --> 0:24:38.677

I'd still have wine night with my friends.

0:24:39.335 --> 0:24:46.680

Uh, you know, just write down what you gain from quitting and what you gain from keeping it and then see how it, see how it weighs out.

0:24:47.320 --> 0:24:47.881

And you know what?

0:24:47.981 --> 0:24:51.483

Maybe wine night with your friends outweighs all the benefits.

0:24:52.296 --> 0:24:53.698

I'm not here to tell you anything.

0:24:53.718 --> 0:25:02.386

And you'll get to the point where one side weighs out the other and you'll decide what's best for you and your life.

0:25:02.927 --> 0:25:10.895

But I think kind of seeing that on paper can sometimes push you in one direction or another, or at least help you see the benefits.

0:25:11.796 --> 0:25:13.698

And I think when it comes to

0:25:15.487 --> 0:25:23.672

Addiction or drinking or behaviors that we all know, you know, we all know drinking is a bit of has its downsides.

0:25:25.516 --> 0:25:27.717

It's very personal.

0:25:27.777 --> 0:25:32.318

It's not like I drank through my 30s thinking, this is a great behavior.

0:25:32.398 --> 0:25:33.499

I should continue this.

0:25:33.539 --> 0:25:36.260

You just get to the point where you're like, enough is enough.

0:25:36.320 --> 0:25:37.400

I've had enough of this.

0:25:37.920 --> 0:25:39.221

I'm ready for something better.

0:25:39.241 --> 0:25:45.683

So it's all just very personal when you decide that you're done with something.

0:25:45.883 --> 0:25:47.944

It's the same with a partner, right?

0:25:48.024 --> 0:25:51.965

When you're done with a problematic partner, I'm done with this.

0:25:52.005 --> 0:25:53.486

My friends can tell me for years,

0:25:54.941 --> 0:26:13.875

that this is this should be over that this is enough that you that you're going to be better off but not until that moment that it really hits you that you've really reached your limit are you going to stop for yourself right so it's the same with drinking it's the same with smoking it's the same with whatever it is it's all so personal and you really can't do it for someone else you know um

0:26:13.875 --> 0:26:15.483

It really is just something that lives with you in your life and you have to figure out what's best for your life.

0:26:15.860 --> 0:26:18.505

So those are kind of my thoughts on alcohol and dry January.

0:26:18.565 --> 0:26:19.967

I'm sure I'll talk about alcohol again.

0:26:19.987 --> 0:26:20.848

I'm obsessed with it.

0:26:20.888 --> 0:26:21.248

Sorry.

0:26:21.268 --> 0:26:24.872

And thanks so much for overthinking with me this week.

0:26:24.913 --> 0:26:27.536

And until next time, wishing you all good thoughts.

As we close out the year, I share a year of overthinking with you. Here's my wrapped list of my top 4 overthinking thoughts and themes of the year along with tips to help you consider your own.

In this episode, we overthink:

Going public on social media

Perfection is the enemy of progress

Adult milestones

Aging & Beauty Neutrality

This week we're grabbing our Amethyst, popping into lotus position and chatting about the Almighty Universe, Meditation, Manifestation and Energy in a PRACTICAL way with common sense and action to get us to our goals. Ready? Let's overthink it.

Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This post is public so feel free to share it.