Parenting Perfectionists-Raising Humans #5

Failure is Good for You! How to Parent a Perfectionist by Boosting Optimism

There is lot of talk in the media about “daring to fail”, “grit”, and risk taking. If you are the parent of a child who seems to be so afraid of failure that they often don’t finish things, this could be the challenge of a lifetime.

We live in a highly competitive society. Television shows are all about who can cook the best, sing the best, and lose the most weight.  School can feel like it’s all about who gets the best grades, gets into the best college, gets the best job, or has the biggest house.  Sometimes the joy of discovery gets overshadowed by these imperatives.

How can we show children that there is more to life than comparing one’s self to others? How can we show them they are loved unconditionally, no matter the grades they get or the number of goals they kick? And yet, we want them to develop tenacity and intrinsic motivation, to keep challenging themselves to achieve their dreams.

Being the parent of a perfectionist can be challenging. We all have some tendencies to work on things forever, not feeling confident they will meet our own high expectations. But what if perfectionism is kind of like being your own worst boss?

What kind of boss would tell you you’re never good enough, that it has to be flawless or you’re fired? Few would be as hard on you as you are on yourself. What would it look like if you could show your kids empathy for self and others?

Perfect Doesn’t Have to be the Enemy of Good

Professional athletes, award-winning musicians or celebrated scientists will tell you that mastery is a never-ending quest that is all about the journey, not the arrival. The process of excelling can be as exhilarating as the end result!

How might parents respond to their child’s perfectionist tendencies? How much do we perpetuate this by sending the message that we expect perfection? What emotions are connected with perfectionism for parents and kids?  Fear (of failure)? Shame (for not measuring up to other kids)? Excitement (at achievement)? Anxiety (for not meeting expectations)? Building self-awareness is the first step, yours and theirs.

A parent writes “My son gets upset quickly when he doesn’t know how to do something. He expects to know everything. How do you encourage a growth mindset in a child like this?” 

Optimism and Grit

Growth Mindset: Perseverance, grit and tenacity are qualities that can help children develop a growth mindset. So is optimism.  When encountering obstacles, perfectionists often give up. By developing optimism, one of the core competencies taught by Six Seconds, children can be helped to see that setbacks are opportunities for growth and learning. Read an article about growth mindset from Six Seconds’ friend, Dr. Lorea Martinez

You can use the T.I.E. model, showing children that obstacles are temporary, isolated, and event-based (effort is possible) to help them focus on the process, not the end-result.

Here is an excellent article from Six Seconds’ founder, Anabel Jensen:

3 Habits of Extremely Optimistic People

Read an article by CEO Josh Freedman on The Seduction of Impossibility

Don’t forget to send us your questions and parenting issues to talk about in our upcoming episodes!