Sometimes I find the biggest thing in the house and try shoving it up my ass. So far, I know for sure my car and my dog don't fit. I was able to get half of one of my wife's shoes in but she walked into the bedroom and I had to pretend I fell down and it went up my ass. Boy, I don't know if she believed me or not but every once in awhile she'll threaten to bring it up in mixed company if I'm acting out of line and it stops whatever nonsense I'm doing almost immediately. 

 

I'm not one to be passive aggressive but I'm also not one to be trifled with so on those nights, I "accidentally" slide into the wrong hole during sex. I apologize almost immediately but I do it with a grin because I'm not sorry and it wasn't an accident. Sometimes you gotta lose a battle to win a war.