Welcome to the most fucked up therapy session ever recorded. Satan’s quarterly mental health expenditures now rival the GDP of small nations because his demons literally cannot psychologically process the transcendent folly of human evil anymore. Beelzebub developed a nervous tick from Trump speeches. Mammon cries during earnings reports. Hell’s entire workforce required intensive psychiatric intervention because watching humans has become more traumatizing than eternal damnation itself.

But here’s where shit gets cosmically weird: Jesus Christ himself shows up in Satan’s office wearing a Waffle House uniform and speaking with a Southern drawl after spending three months undercover as “Jesse the fry cook” in Alabama, trying to understand MAGA from the inside. His field reports from the 3 AM shift include customers claiming Trump is more Christian than Christ himself, pastors explaining why Mary and Joseph were “illegals,” and the slow realization that humanity might have broken beyond divine repair. Meanwhile, Lilith returns from three weeks of intensive therapy only to discover that ICE Commander Gregory Bovino tear-gassed children in Halloween costumes, sending her therapeutic progress into a tailspin of crystallized feminist rage that makes the Old Testament look gentle.

This isn’t political commentary anymore – it’s a psychiatric emergency broadcast from the underworld documenting the complete collapse of moral reality. Mike Johnson holds Congress hostage to hide Trump’s Epstein connections while America starves. Trump builds his $300 million ballroom on the ruins of democracy. The USS Gerald Ford steams toward Venezuela for an oil grab disguised as drug war. And through it all, Satan realizes that even eternal damnation has better healthcare coverage than America, while Heaven seriously considers ending the free will experiment because y’all have proven you can’t handle it. Blasphemous truth that’ll make you laugh, cry, and question whether the apocalypse might actually be the merciful option.

🎧 Listen if you dare…

Satan thanks you for listening to this week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

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