This week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch finds Satan and his demon correspondents stumbling back from mental health sabbaticals looking like microwaved death, only to discover American democracy has gotten WORSE while they were gone. The Prince of Darkness breaks down three interconnected catastrophes that prove even Hell’s demons can’t handle this timeline: Deputy AG Todd Blanche literally declaring “It’s a war, man” against federal judges while recruiting baby lawyers to fight the judiciary, over 100 Republicans doing the math and deciding defending a pedophile’s golf buddy is bad for their careers after Epstein’s emails revealed Trump “knew about the girls,” and America’s closest allies cutting intelligence sharing because killing 76 people on boats without evidence is apparently too much even for fucking Britain. Satan’s analysis reveals these aren’t isolated incidents but rats reading the room and abandoning a sinking ship before the Epstein files torpedo what’s left of Trump’s presidency.

The episode reaches its apocalyptic climax with Satan connecting the dots only a millennia-old embodiment of evil could see: Trump’s got the USS Gerald Ford parked off Venezuela like Chekhov’s aircraft carrier, waiting for next week’s Epstein vote to drop so he can start a war to change the subject. Through the traumatized perspectives of Nyarlathotep (documenting how the DOJ prosecutes the wrong crimes against the wrong people), Lilith (exposing how Republicans aren’t heroes, just rats who can do math), and Abaddon (explaining how you know you’ve fucked up when Britain calls you a war criminal), the Dispatch reveals the oldest authoritarian trick in the book: when 100+ of your own party are about to rebuke you for pedophile connections, nothing distracts like dead soldiers and flag-draped coffins. Satan’s closing verdict? These incompetent fascists have achieved concentrated evil through pure stupidity, making Hell look like a well-run DMV that serves lattes by comparison.

Satan thanks you for listening to this week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch! This podcast is public so feel free to share it with other worthless souls.

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