SATAN’S SHOW IS BACK AND DEMOCRACY’S DISCOVERING NEW DEATH RATTLE DEPTHS

This week’s episode of The Dark Lord’s Dispatch features Satan experiencing pure joy (Kimmel’s back with 6.3 million viewers!) colliding with existential horror as Trump declares war on escalators. Yes, fucking ESCALATORS. The spray-tanned monument to malignant narcissism is demanding UN arrests because mechanical equipment stopped working, which his diseased brain interpreted as “triple sabotage.” Meanwhile, his DOJ buried FBI tapes of Tom Homan taking $50,000 in bribes while indicting James Comey for... taking notes. Eight hundred military brass got summoned to a mystery meeting at Quantico with zero explanation, presumably to swear loyalty to a man who thinks doorways are conspiring against him.

Satan’s demon correspondents deliver scorching analysis of democracy discovering depths even Hell hasn’t mapped. Beelzebub traces the paranoia pipeline from “the escalator tried to kill me” to prosecuting enemies while protecting criminals caught on tape saying “This better not be recorded” while literally taking the money. Leviathan dissects the Epstein panic—they HAVE their 218th signature but are desperately begging Republicans to withdraw, trying to CTRL+Z democracy like you can un-send a dick pic. The cosmic punchline? House Republicans CANCELED next week to hide from a vote they already lost. They’re playing hide-and-seek with democracy, except democracy already found them and is waiting for them to stop pretending the couch cushions make them invisible. As Satan notes: “I corrupt through artistry over centuries. These incompetent fucks achieved more evil through paranoid stupidity than I managed in millennia.”

🎧 Listen if you dare…

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