BREAKING: I GAVE MY DEMONS THE WEEK OFF BECAUSE HUMANS ARE OUT-EVILING US

This week’s Dark Lord’s Dispatch finds Satan flying solo because his entire demonic staff is on mandatory mental health leave, unable to cope with humans out-eviling Hell through pure incompetence. While his demons undergo group therapy and trust falls, Satan covers the week’s spectacular display of democratic destruction: Trump’s DOJ manufacturing prosecution of Letitia James over a $19,000 mortgage technicality while protecting actual criminals; Republicans shutting down their own government despite controlling everything, with even MTG blaming GOP leadership; and Stephen Miller accidentally admitting on CNN that Trump claims “plenary authority” (absolute monarchical power) before having an apparent on-air breakdown when he realized what he’d said.

Satan also addresses RFK Jr.’s deranged claim that circumcision doubles autism rates because babies get Tylenol, with Lilith texting from her retreat to suggest Kennedy get a medieval-style adult circumcision to cure his brain worms. The Prince of Darkness explains how watching humans achieve fascism through Truth Social posts has left his professional tormentors questioning their entire purpose. As Satan notes, “Why maintain elaborate torture chambers when you’re torturing yourselves with government shutdowns you caused?” The episode closes with Trump demanding the arrest of elected officials who disagree with him, prompting Satan to note that Trump’s future Hell roommate Nero sends his regards.

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