BREAKING: MY DEMONS ARE STILL IN THERAPY AND NOW I NEED A DRINK

Satan’s still flying solo from Hell’s throne room because his entire demonic workforce remains in therapy, unable to process humans achieving fascism through sheer fucking stupidity. This week’s cascade of authoritarian fuckery includes the Supreme Court asking when Black voting rights should “expire” like a warranty, GOP governors deploying the National Guard against tomorrow’s peaceful No Kings Day protests like they’re repelling an invasion, and John Bolton—yes, that warmongering walrus—becoming the third Trump critic indicted in three weeks, making him somehow sympathetic which officially breaks reality. Meanwhile, Trump confirmed CIA operations in Venezuela and potential ground invasion for drug trafficking, had a two-and-a-half-hour phone cuddle with Putin about meeting in Budapest, and someone proposed a $65 billion “Putin-Trump Unity Tunnel” through the Bering Strait because apparently, we’re not even pretending anymore.

The Prince of Darkness reaches for the bourbon at 9 AM while processing Trump’s Arc de Triomphe knockoff sitting on his desk—when asked who it’s for, he said, “Me”—while the government remains shut down and senators throw dog birthday parties. Satan explains how watching Republicans gut voting rights while claiming to defend democracy, prosecute enemies on fabricated charges while protecting actual criminals caught on FBI recordings, and deploy military force against protesters while calling THEM the threat has left Hell’s demons so demoralized they’re writing poetry and taking up watercolor painting. As Satan notes, when Nicolas Maduro sounds like the voice of reason and John Bolton deserves sympathy, evil has been stripped of all artistry and replaced with whatever the fuck Stephen Miller’s doing on CNN.

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