Popularity is how well you relate to others. Coolness is how well you relate to yourself.

You can be one or the other, you can be both, or you can be neither.

Coolness and popularity are not guarantees against bullying, but they add layers of protection that drive bullies away, which are available to you. Namely positive self image and an open attitude toward others.

Additionally popularity and coolness can be so elusive we put them on a pedestal—to the point that they seem out of reach, impossible to achieve. We only desperately want what we think we can’t have.

Desperately wanting either coolness or popularity is bully food bullies will sniff miles away.

Now I’m not saying every one of you is going to become the coolest most popular kid your school’s ever seen by next week. Or even that you need to be. In fact, you might hate it. Being part of the social elite is demanding, and those kids are weirdly advanced to be in that position. It’s kind of like being in advanced math…only fun if you’re prepared and still very challenging.

We’re talking about coolness and popularity for two reasons: One so you don’t get caught in the bully food trap of wanting to be popular/cool, and two so you can reap the benefits of being your own version of either or both.

Why? Because desperately wanting anything makes you try too hard and knocks you off your center of balance. It’s a weak position that bullies can exploit. Instead, I want you to know what popular and cool really are, so you can make them work to your advantage.

First of all, trying to be cool means you aren’t cool yet. What being cool really is is not caring anymore about being cool. Not caring allows you to let go of what you think you have to do, so you can be carefree instead. Everyone wishes they could be free to be themselves, so they admire anyone who can be carefree.

The key to being carefree is maintaining it. One slip into self-conscious hesitation will give you away.

Doing what others expect or prefer is good, but it’s never cool to do it to make them like you. Care about what others think to be socially aware, but don’t attach your happiness or self-expression to their approval.

You already have everything inside you others will love, and it’s all about letting it shine through. You don’t need to add something to rise up. You need to release whatever is holding you down, so you can’t lift up.

Being popular, on the other hand, is how much people like you. But the secret to this is actually how much you like them! That’s the part most people miss. They think you have to make people like you to be popular, but that’s acting against others trying to manipulate them. Popular people actually are the ones who like the most people, genuinely. How do people end up liking you? They sense that you like them. That you position yourself as on their side. Not by copying them or doing what they expect, but by finding what you appreciate in them and showing it.

Here’s my advice for building your popularity starting today: Find the kids you like, and also find what you like about every kid. If you can find something to appreciate about each person, you will be looking at them differently—in a more friendly accepting way. Combine this with being cool: Carefree about their response to you no matter what they say or do.

Remember, every kid at school is equally worthy of belonging and having friends. The kids you like most are worthy of knowing it. If they like you back, they are worthy of being your friends.

The more people you like, the more people will like you back. That’s what being popular is.