The Power of Dirndls And Lederhosen: Part 1Hans channels his grandfather’s German roots, to overcome his inadequacies with women.

Based on the post by cb summers, in 2 parts. Listen to the ► Podcast at Connected.

September 22

October was almost here. Outside, a cold, gusty wind was blowing the freshly fallen leaves across the campus commons. But I was warm in my room, snuggled under the covers, devouring chapter seven of Advanced Organic Chemistry. I had a test scheduled for the next morning, but studying wasn’t a chore for a nerd like me. It was a joy. I was basking in the awesome power of carbon, and the stunning ways it had chemically combined with other compounds over the unimaginable eons of time to form the very basis of life itself.

I loved learning. I loved science. I loved textbooks. They allowed me to escape myself. In textbooks I wasn’t a loveless, lonely virgin. I wasn’t an awkward, babbling dork. I didn’t have a disappointing body with deep pockmarks from a high-school bout with acne, and crooked teeth from parents too poor to pay for braces.

And I didn’t become embarrassingly tongue-tied in the presence of hotties, because there were no hotties in textbooks. There wasn’t even a me. Lost in the mysteries and majesty of science, I became the universe itself. Immortal. Beautiful. Content.

It was a blessed relief from all the stress I’d been under of late. You see, I could understand carbon. I could understand DNA. I could understand calculus, non-Euclidean geometry and superstring theory. But girls? They were a total mystery to me.

My roommate Troy had been trying to share his ‘wisdom’ about the fairer sex with me, but it wasn’t easy for me to take his advice. After all, he was a Neanderthal. Normally, I avoided guys like him. You know, big dumb lunks, with handsome faces, muscular bodies, and cocky attitudes. Troy was willfully ignorant about the natural world. He didn’t believe in evolution, because it just didn’t make sense to him, but he did believe in Bigfoot because he saw a movie about it once. I mean, he was just an idiot. I never would have chosen a guy like him to be my roommate, but my roomie for the last two years suddenly transferred to Columbia just before school started in September, so Troy, was assigned to me at random.

I’ll never forget the day I met the big dope. He swaggered into my room as if he owned the place. He was tall and broad, with a thick, strong neck, short tan hair, and an infuriating air of confidence. I hated him instantly. But I resolved to try to get along with him, so I said, “Hi. I’m Hans. Hans Willis.”

He replied, “Look dude, here’s the deal I’m gonna fuck a lot of girls in this room, so we need to work out some kinda arrangement. If you see a sock hanging on the doorknob, don’t come in. Got it? Just assume I’m boning some chick. I don’t care if you have to sleep in the lobby, don’t come between me and my pussy. But don’t worry, same rules apply for both of us. If I see the sock, I’ll stay out too. Those are now the house rules. Name’s Troy, by the way.” He held his fist out for me to bump, so I bumped it.

A Crushing Defeat To The Neanderthal.

But the one girl I actually did go on one date with, that September, ended up becoming my roommate’s main fuck buddy, Briona. She’s maybe the smartest female in the science department, but her primal desires led her to the neanderthal, Troy.  It wasn’t even a week after my one feeble date. Briona basically ignored me in class, and I was miserable. I became depressed and stayed in my dorm, sulking myself to sleep.

So there I was, lost in my textbook on a cold September evening, when voices in the hallway brought me out of my reverie. They stopped in front of my door and began to talk back and forth in hushed tones. I recognized Troy’s voice. He started talking loudly. “No, really, don’t worry about my roommate. He’s asleep. Sleeps like a fucking log.”

A girl’s voice whispered, “Really? I don’t know about this. Are you sure?”

He answered loudly, “Yeah, I toldja, he’s on some kinda meds to keep his acne from coming back. Those things knock him out like a light. It’s actually kinda bizarre. Hey, why don’t you see for yourself?”

He was fumbling with his keys, and then he dropped them loudly on the floor. I realized with shock that he was hoping I’d hear him so I could pretend to be asleep. I was gripped with utter terror. He’d never done anything like this before. He usually called me if he wanted to bring a girl over, to give me time to clear out. But he must have met this girl at some late night party, and didn’t think I’d agree to leaving the room at 2:15 in the morning. So what was his plan? He wanted me to stay? To, what? Pretend to be asleep while he fucked this girl? It was a crazy idea! Utterly indecent! Utterly wonderful! Two conflicting thoughts raced through my head at the same time. One: I don’t have time for this! I have to study! Two: Oh holy shit, oh holy shit, shit,!

What a position to put me in! But I felt I had no choice but to play possum! I heard the key clicking into place, so I barely had time to put my books on the floor, flip out my bedside lamp, and yank the covers messily over my head before the door swung open. I didn’t see them coming in, but I heard their voices.

He said, in a normal voice, “See? What did I tell you? Out like a light.”

She whispered, “No, really?”

The door closed, and he said, “Here. Let me show you.” He tromped over to me, shook me and shouted, “Wake up, roomie! The building’s on fire!” Then he leaned down close enough to whisper, “Please, Hans. Just go with it.” I didn’t make a peep, so he said loudly, “What did I tell you? Dead to the world. It’s just you and me, sweetheart.’

She giggled and whispered, “Damn. Those must be some killer meds. Which one does he take? Xeotrex, or Iso…”

She fell silent. From the sound of the wet little smacking sounds I heard, he must have started kissing her to stop her questions. Damn, what a caveman he was. But she didn’t complain. Soon she was making hungry little moans and wet slobbering gasps and groans. Oh shit. I couldn’t believe they were making out, right there in my room! My cock started to harden. It was a good thing I’d turned to my side, or she might have seen a volcano rising under my sheets.

I just lay there in shock for the next five minutes, unable to block out those sexy sounds. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. But it only got more shocking when I heard the unmistakable sound of a belt buckle clinking open. Troy moaned, “Oh yeah, baby. Fuck yeah.”

She giggled, saying, “Let’s see what you got in here, big boy. Oh, hot damn. It’s so big. Damn. My fingers barely fit around it. Fuck. I gotta get a taste of that.” Then she inhaled and made a wet slurping sound.

Troy moaned deeply, “Oh, fuck.”

Up to that very moment, I’d had no intention of peeking. But once I realized that a girl was giving Troy a blowjob just a few feet away from me, and the only thing that stood between them and my eyes was my blanket, well I just couldn’t resist. I had to see. I just had to! So I slowly moved my hand up to my face and began to tug at the blanket to form a shadowy little opening to peep through. The first thing I saw was Troy’s rapturous face, illuminated by his bedside light. He looked right at me. I thought he’d be pissed, but he just smiled and put his finger to his lips, then pointed down, grinning like a birthday boy showing off his brand new BB gun.

With that encouragement, I pulled the opening a little more open, and laid my eyes on a sight that absolutely shook me to the core.

Briona Skorsczi was on her knees sucking my roommate’s big fat cock.

I couldn’t have been more shocked if I’d suddenly seen my family being eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It was horrifying, yet I couldn’t look away. I just couldn’t. Briona’s big, beautiful nose was bobbing forward and back, her glasses sliding down to the tip as she sucked him into her beautiful mouth. Her delightful bunny teeth were sliding gently over the raw, naked flesh of that frighteningly huge cock of his. It had to be eight or nine inches long. Maybe more.

She must have taken off her coat and shirt before getting on her knees, because I saw her enormous tits absolutely straining to escape the confines of her lacy white bra. I’d been right all along. She had been hiding a smoking hot body under all those baggy clothes. Her tits were even bigger than I’d suspected, probably full D cups, and her creamy white cleavage was wiggling like a bowl of Jell-O as she slurped Troy’s cock with increasing eagerness.

I watched all of this in utter shock. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. The sweet, innocent, genius of my dreams was polishing a Neanderthal’s knob. It was wrong on so many levels; I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. How the hell had he met her anyway? I hadn’t told either of them about each other, but Prairie Tech wasn’t a very big college, so this was just one of those random coincidences that happen from time to time. Only this time it was happening to me, goddamn it!

It was heartbreaking to watch. But I had to. I had to. Those full, beautiful lips, which I’d been too timid to kiss, were now sliding and slurping over the bulbous head of Troy’s throbbing meat. And her delicate pink tongue, which had said so many fascinating things to me over the course of our evening together, was now slipping out, and flicking that sensitive spot on the underside of his glans. All the while she stroked his long shaft with those delicate hands I’d imagined holding in my own. Then she lifted his shaft, leaned forward and slurped his big, hairless balls into her mouth, making him grab his bedside table for support.

“Oh fuck. Suck my balls, bitch. Yeah, so fucking good.”

I watched her lick every inch of his veiny shaft, her big beautiful nose occasionally bending in contact with his cock, which I found particularly obscene. Then she kissed her way back to the tip of his salami and began gobbling him forward and back in long swooping moves, making her brown hair bob and bounce, taking him deeper and deeper into her throat with each stroke. She began to drool copiously, coating his cock with so much slime that long strands of slobber dripped down onto her creamy white cleavage. God, I just about passed out at the sight of it. She tilted her head lithely side to side as she gulped his phallus, literally swallowing it until I could actually see the end of his massive member distorting her willowy neck! It was astonishing. She was making loud, wet gasping sounds, but unbelievably, she wasn’t choking on his cock; not one tiny bit.

That’s when it dawned on me that she wasn’t a sweet little shy virgin after all. She’d obviously sucked a cock or twelve in her time. Hell, for all I knew, she did this sort of thing every single night of the year. I’d completely misjudged her. She hadn’t turned me down because she was too busy. She’d turned me down because I was a coward.

Looking back, I suddenly realized that she’d been waiting for me to make some kind of move all night during our date. Now with hindsight twenty twenty, I could remember at least half a dozen opportunities for intimacy that I’d passed up. I could have held her hand at the art show. I could have sat next to her at dinner. I could have put my arm over her shoulder on the walk to her place. And that awkward silence before she closed the door? She’d definitely wanted me to kiss her!

Idiot! Why Didn’t I Fucking Kiss Her? And if I had, then what? Would she have pulled me inside? Would she have dropped to her knees and pulled out my cock and started sucking me, just like she did with Troy? And then what? Would she have fucked me too?! Oh shit. I blew it. I fucking blew it.

I closed the gap in my blankets, and closed my eyes, trying to stifle my sobs of crushing regret. Oh god, I was a pathetic excuse for a man. I wasn’t a man at all! I was a fucking Boy! Troy may have been a stupid caveman who didn’t believe in evolution, but did believe that a magnetic wristband could make you run faster, but nevertheless, he was still twice the man as me. My pitiful erection faded away and I silently wept, feeling lower and more useless than I’d ever felt in my life.

Okay. I must admit. I was wallowing a bit. But then I heard Briona say, “I want you to cream on my tits, baby.”

I instantly forgot my misery, and opened the flap again, just in time to see her reaching behind her back and unhooking her bra. It popped open and her big pale breasts fell into view. My cock leapt fully erect again. Her nipples were puffy and pink. Oh god, her tits were more magnificent than I could have ever imagined. Troy grabbed her head with both hands and began fucking her face hard and fast. Then he stiffened up, arched his back and let out a long, gut-wrenching, guttural groan. She pulled back and presented her tits to him, while she jerked his long pipe with one hand. I saw his nuts literally jumping, then ropes of glistening white ropes shot out of him, splooging all over her breasts and neck. She jerked it out of him with expert yanks, until her cleavage was dripping with goo. Then she leaned forward and sucked his cock head while squeezing his balls, making him squirt another shot into her mouth. She looked up at him over her glasses and opened her mouth, and let the cum slowly drip out of it onto her tits. Oh fucking christ! It was so fucking Filthy! Then she ran both hands over her breasts, spreading his shiny cum all over until she her tits were glistening.

He couldn’t stand up any longer, so he plopped down onto his bed, and fell onto his back. Briona stood up, and quickly stripped out of her shoes, jeans and panties, a sight that made my eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. She had an incredible ass and a stunningly narrow waist. What a figure! She was built like a movie star! Her back was to me now, so I reached into my shorts and wrapped my hand around my throbbing hard cock and started jerking off as quietly as I could manage. She leaned forward to yank Troy’s pants off, giving me an amazing view of her extremely hairy pussy. It was big, bushy and brown, but fucking hot as hell. I couldn’t make out her pussy lips, but I didn’t care. I just stared up her ass crack, jacking off like the pathetic little perv I was, my cock lubricated by the copious amounts of precum it was weeping.

Once she’d stripped his bottom half bare, she wiped her tits clean of cum with his pants, then climbed on top of him. I thought she was gonna fuck him, but she kept going upward until she was straddling his face. “Suck my fucking pussy, donkey-dick.”

I couldn’t get over how filthy her mouth was. It was like she was split personality, or something. This wasn’t the brainy girl I’d been out on a date with. That girl could wax poetically about superstring theory and the big bang. But this girl was gleefully grinding her pussy against a moron’s face, as she moaned, “Oh fuck yeah. Eat my pussy, fuck wad. Eat my fucking pussy. Yeah, that’s right. Stick that tongue inside my cunt. Taste my fucking cum.”

I couldn’t see exactly what he was doing. Her back was to me, and his big fat cock was in the foreground, blocking some of the view. But I saw the underside of his chin, and his tongue going up into her. He was making crazy slurping sounds, and his semi-hard cock slowly stood to attention again, and he started stroking it, at the same time that I was stoking mine. I wondered what it must feel like to have a monster cock like that in your hand. Mine was puny compared to his. A measly seven and a half inches.

Briona was like a wild woman, and she couldn’t get enough of Troy’s tongue. She just kept grinding herself roughly into his face for the longest time, while he jerked himself off. Her aggressiveness was a bit scary, actually. I wondered what I would have done if she’d attacked me like that in her apartment. I was starting to feel like maybe I dodged a bullet there. Sure, she was sexy, smart and sweet, but damn, she was an animal in the sack! She started shouting out filthy commands as she rode his face. “Yeah, suck my pussy, you mother fucker! Suck my hairy snatch. You know you like it, fuck face. Gimme that hand. Use your finger, oh shit yeah. Oh, fuck yeah, right there. Yeah, like that. No don’t stop licking my clit. Yeah, oh fuck, No, don’t change anything! Just keep doing it like that, mother fucker! Oh Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

She was screaming so loud, they were in serious danger of having the RA’s realize there was a girl in the room, but Troy clamped his free hand over her mouth. For the next ten minutes she moaned and groaned into his hand, and he took her through a series of awe-inspiring orgasms. Then right when it seemed she was at the peak of her excitement, she suddenly jumped backward and straddled his cock, then lowered herself slowly onto it.

Wow. She didn’t even make him put on a condom! I saw his huge manhood spreading her furry pussy lips wide for a moment before she lowered herself slowly down his shaft, while juices dripped out of her. Based on the guttural moan she emitted, I guess he was stretching her to the limit, and she liked it. The sight of him disappearing into her snatch triggered something in my own cock. I felt a burst of pleasure, and moments later I was filling my underwear with cum. But I didn’t get soft for a second, so I just kept jerking, ignoring the sticky gunk on my hand, taking advantage of the fact that her back was turned to me so she couldn’t see my blankets ju