Practical Steps in Following Jesus’s Instructions for Resolution

David W Palmer

(Matthew 18:15–17 NKJV) “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. {16} But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ {17} And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”

Prayer is needed in this for several reasons. One is to find God’s mind on exactly who is responsible for what—the exact sin of each party. Sadly, in cases of sin leading to relationship strain and breakdown, very rarely do we find only one guilty party in a clear-cut sin. Usually, both parties are guilty to some degree. So, our first challenge in prayer is to ask God to reveal our own guilt and responsibility in this. Well before making any attempt to reconcile with the other person, we need to judge and correct ourselves about any sin we have committed against God. (Allowing a relationship strain or breakdown to linger is a good place to start.) This is not a time for self-justification; only as we admit, quit, and receive his forgiveness can we be free and unhindered before him. 

Once we have our relationship with God clear, we next seek him to reveal to us our fault in the relational breakdown with the other person. If God reveals something you did wrong—even if it contributed only 1% to the relational strain—you have to fix that first before trying to extricate the other person from their fault. Otherwise, you come into the hypocritical category described by Jesus:

(Matthew 7:3–5 NLT) “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? {4} How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? {5} Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”

Only with a breakthrough in prayer, will you feel God’s love and his gift of faith for the other person. Without them, you will not succeed. Pray through, and then do what Jesus says. Stay completely on his prescription and you will come to reconciliation or resolution—one way or the other:

• Pray through and get rid of all the logs from your eyes.
• Pray through till you know the exact issue you are approaching the other person about; this has to be completely clear-cut—able to be put into a simple phrase. For example, “You lied about me. When you told people that I stole your car and damaged it, it was in your garage broken down the whole time.”
• The best idea is to have a word from God about the other person’s sin; this should be a short pithy statement that pinpoints the heart of the issue—from God’s perspective. If you go to the reconciliation meeting with this word, you truly go in Jesus’s name; the Holy Spirit will help you and the other person will be confronted with the truth.
• Keep praying until you feel God’s love for the other person, and you receive his gift of faith for restoring them.
• Go to them one-on-one—that means, you and the other person only and in private. First, ask forgiveness for what God showed you that you did wrong. If they forgive you, move on to what God has shown you about their sin. If they don’t forgive you, walk away and begin again with this new clear-cut sin; this time, they are holding unforgiveness against you after you humbly confessed, repented, and sought their forgiveness.
• When one-on-one, say to them exactly, word-for-word, what God gives you to say—no more and no less. Then stop talking. Allow the Holy Spirit to do the convicting. If they repent, apologize, and ask for forgiveness, forgive, forget, restore, and move on.
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