Eliana’s New Year’s resolution to be more “fun” lasts exactly one catamaran jump before she pulls an ass muscle so catastrophic it sparks a full-blown family debate about her Do Not Resuscitate order. Leora is thrilled at the idea of finally pulling the plug, while Eliana is fairly certain her brothers already have a pillow fluffed and ready.

Meanwhile, we expose the filthiest relationship in your life—your phone—declare sharing soap officially skanky, and watch “purchase paralysis” turn an Amazon cart into a meltdown of epic proportions. We also explain why cousins are better than friends (they already know you’re insane), and why Leora is hopelessly obsessed with Nate the Hoof Guy videos. If you can still blink a “fuck you” in Morse code, congrats—you’re alive… but your phone is absolutely trying to kill you.

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