Show Notes:

Last week we opened the conversation of finding quiet in the chaos of the holiday season and working to shape the expectations we allow to have placed on us to be more reflective of who we want to be, what feels important to us and what we choose for ourselves during this season. I shared that our family loves a lot of really meaningful traditions and rituals and I already feel like we are well into them. We have our tree up and decorated, the lights on the house, and this past weekend marked the 4th annual Faas Family Sing-along Christmas party, barring the couple of years we missed from covid. 

If you don’t know, I am married to a musician, a trained jazz pianist, and music is a huge part of our holidays. The Faas Family sing-along is a family favourite event, but it is one I will admit I have had to practice loving. I mentioned last episode that I am something of a perfectionist, and if I reflect on my family upbringing, one of my early learnings was to be stressed about how others perceive your home. My mom was always really conscientious about people coming to our home, scrubbing every surface and having everything pristine before anyone arrived. I absolutely inherited this pressure to have everything look just so, and have had to work hard at reducing the pressure I put on myself. Because if I let myself, I will rob the experience of every ounce of joy by being so stressed out about small things out of place or stains I can’t get out and how others might judge me. 

What I’ve realized, is that no one has time or interest in caring much at all about what my house looks like. Barring stinky gross mess, I think most people are just thrilled to have something fun to do with people they like and could care less about whether my bathroom vent has been scrubbed until it’s shining or if my ceiling fan has some dust on it…and yes, that is the level of pressure I once held for myself. 

People love our sing-along for the family friendly vibe, the fun games and atmosphere and the yummy food and good company. I love our sing-along for those same reasons. Each year, I work to simplify the food so it’s delicious but doesn’t keep me handcuffed to the stove missing out on the time with our people. I work to simplify the processes so that I can focus on what matters when it matters most and have a lot of it done and out of the way so I can really enjoy being in the moment. 

What a lot of this boils down to is values. Last week we talked about expectations, and these emerge from the values we hold. Now, our values can be decided by us, but they can also be dictated by our histories and the values others laid upon us. We have to interact intentionally and question our values to be sure that we are living by values that feel truly aligned with the kinds of people WE choose to be in the world. While I still value cleanliness, I have scaled that value to know that I value people more. I value relationships more. I value being in connection more. And so, whether or not my home is pristine, I will not allow that to dissuade me from inviting people to come be in my life. I will not have a standard of perfection that separates me from connections I care about. I continue to value how people think of me, but no longer fear them thinking poorly of me. Instead, I think that people are either in alignment with what I value or perhaps not, and if not, I am not prepared to twist myself into a pretzel to fit their values and expectations. If that means releasing some relationships where we are not aligned and serving each other well, that’s ok with me, it leaves more room for the people who are really on the journey of life with me. 

I want to encourage you to sit with your values. What matters to you. At the end of the day, what do you want to be known and remembered for? What stands out as most important to you? What is the legacy you long to leave? …Now, take these values and refine them to how they show up in the holiday season. If you value caring for people, what does this look like at the holidays? Does it look like expensive gifts or engaging from a place of service? If you value quiet time to yourself, how does this show up in the holiday season? Are you overcommitted and need to scale back, or have you done a great job setting time aside to meet your needs? Do you have values that feel in opposition to one another or mutually exclusive? What does it look like to try to balance these or meet a little bit of each need during the holidays?

As you refine your values, you will be able to more intentionally choose what to say yes to, what to say no to and where to put your time and energy. It won’t mean that there aren’t lots of invitations to spend your time and energy in a whole bunch of places that are out of alignment – the invitation will be there – but it will be a little bit easier to decide what you sacrifice for and what you don’t. You’ll have a better capacity to hold boundaries that allow you to exit the holidays feeling like you lived that out really well and got what you needed from them, rather than reflecting on them from a place of “thank God that’s over!”

Episode Challenge:

Sit with the questions outlined in the show: What matters to you. At the end of the day, what do you want to be known and remembered for? What stands out as most important to you? What is the legacy you long to leave? …Now, take these values and refine them to how they show up in the holiday season. If you value caring for people, what does this look like at the holidays? Does it look like expensive gifts or engaging from a place of service? If you value quiet time to yourself, how does this show up in the holiday season? Are you overcommitted and need to scale back, or have you done a great job setting time aside to meet your needs? Do you have values that feel in opposition to one another or mutually exclusive? What does it look like to try to balance these or meet a little bit of each need during the holidays?

Additional Resources:

Self-assess indicators for burnout and related concerns by using our free Beating the Breaking Point Indicators Checklist & Triage Guide. 

Check out some of our related episodes…
·        S3E5-8 Reclaiming Self Series (being in alignment with values and being the people we want to be)

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