Ended January on a good note. Here's the summary of the last significant thing I did. I recorded this because I feel like I'll come back to this months later to reply to it. Listening, and I can hear that I ruined the whole recording with my sniffs😫. It's February 1, and the cold chose the wrong time to attack me😪. Anyway, I'm hoping February will be good. I also didn't talk enough about how the NIDO executives tried their best to get me that recommendation letter. They really came through. They put in their best! Makes me want to serve and give to Nigeria more. Thinking about it, everything probably happened according to God's plan because the thing that delayed me from submitting the scholarship was the transcript, and I got it right on time to submit this time.

Probably therapy will help. We'll see. Besides, there are many things I need to work on as I feel like this whole thing has also taken a toll on my confidence, emotional, and psychology level. I definitely need help. I know that. But until we can afford it, hang in there.

I think one of my bad habits is changing plans within the blink of an eye. In my defense, I always come up with new ideas. I'm not sure it's my brain or it's God's doing. Anyway, I'm placing this here for the future so that I'll know what decision I made.

Every time I watch other doctors, I become so convinced that this medicine, I must do it. Yes, now it looks like everything else I'm doing is far away from that path but I get so sure each time that this medicine oooo, whether we like it or not, we must do it.

There are other concerns like will I do well? Will I be a good doctor? but right now, it's like I just want to get back into the system, and I want to graduate.

God knows I will be one of the happiest humans on earth when I graduate 🥺(maybe not). Because I know what it took for me to get there.

I feel like I don't know anything now, but I just look forward to when I'll be a practicing doctor; to when I will know what I'm doing; when my life will have direction🥺

God, please.

I try not to think about it, though, because it makes me cry and feel useless that I'm doing nothing about my life.

So many things seem unclear. It seems like the more I want it, the farther I'm away from that path. The farther life's taking me away from it. Maybe not, but that's just how I'm seeing it now.

I tried to get a job, and I was thinking I should not be here. But I need to get the job so that 1. I'll get the money and 2. I'll not be feeling useless, doing anything whilst I'm waiting for my student medical journey to recommence.

I was working a trial at a job, and I was so excited about learning, trying, and doing new things. And I felt bad for feeling excited about something non-medical related. I was like,'I wish it was something medical-related I was this excited about. Here, I am getting excited at something miles away from medicine when we're not even sure if we'll get to do the medicine thing again.'

I avoid reading anything medical-related because I feel like they're just a reminder that I'm not in the system. Although I woke up this morning feeling like I should still try to learn it (regarding the clubbing thing). But it all feels meaningless when I'm not even close to walking on that path. God help me🥺🙏

Sometimes, when I see Nigerian friends, I ask myself if I should just go back to Nigeria and just take whatever they'll offer to give me. At the same time, I think it's unfair to me because I know how sad I was when I was in Nigeria. I know how much I wanted to leave. And now, because of how everything seems to be, I want to just run back?

I don't know. It's just hard trying to think of what lies ahead and what to do.

Just got me thinking, maybe it'll be easier back in Nigeria. I don't know. Just maybe. Sigh.

You know, someone asked me why I wanted to be a doctor when I told him that I must see this medicine thing till the end. That I came this halfway and I can't turn back. I don't even want to. He asked why?  That was it for my parents? I said, No. I'm way past the point where I'm doing anything for my parents. That is just something that I know I need to do. That I must do for myself. I just know this with conviction.

Like it doesn't matter how long it takes, I must get there. Giving up isn't in my dictionary, but the whole process of getting there is where my real agony lies. If it's not the admission, it's the fees. Everything!

God help me.

It's well.

Seeing Dr. Egbemba's (aproko doctor's) story just made me cry so much and woke up that suppressed longing of me wanting to be a doctor.

I hope I get there. I hope that when I do get there, I'll be a terrific one. In the meantime, God, please help me get there and see me through the entire process.

Because, to be honest, I've lost interest in everything else because this one thing isn't going well. I'm basically just doing every other thing because I have to, not because I want to or because I enjoy it. It's well!

I recorded this on January 3, and I am listening to it now whilst trying to upload it, and one thing I can say to myself is 'I really need to have more sense this year for real.' People's opinions/thoughts sometimes impact my decision-making process, and it's not really a good thing all the time. Because, sometimes, it makes me question everything. And the amount of emotional/psychological effect of the entire process of self-doubting my decisions based on one or two external influences isn't exactly good for me. The good part is, many times, I end up finding my way back to my initial decision, but I genuinely need to learn not to have to go through that whole process in the first place. Need to learn to stick with my decisions. Yes, I can ask for and listen to people's opinions, filter the good part, and use it to make a great decision, but I should also remember that different things work for different people. Their journeys or experiences might not be the same for me. They might want different things from me. Also, I need to remember that many times, before I make a decision, I must have thought of it so hard. It must have undergone some thorough investigations in my brain, screened by experienced/wise people based on all circumstances before finally coming out as the right/best decision. So, I should not be so quick to discard my entire decision just because of what one random person says or thinks. So yeah, have sense ma'am.

Everything's actually much easier with compromise. At that moment, I understood why people resorted to it. From phone's archives #Jan5

Good people = good vibes = reassurance = my prayers for them. May God bless these guys wherever they are🥺🙏. I hope they meet people who will be good to them the same way they were to me. In everything you do, please do good! It might make a difference in someone's life. Update: I realized I already recorded a podcast about the first good person on my January 11 episode (I forgot I did it already). Me talking about it again makes me happy because it means I really did acknowledge the good thing this guy did.

I'm thinking about these things now, but come daytime (or another time), I'm pretty sure I might not do any of them. But it's nice to think about them now. They're making me feel happy😌. Go imaginations🙌

Imagine yourself doing something you wish to do. I definitely feel like I want to get high on good vibes & energy. To be surrounded by people with similar energy like mine. Adekunle gold definitely knew the vibes when he sang 'High' and even did better by featuring Davido. It's such a good vibe combination. Gossh, I miss my friends. Miss generally, being around people with active hyper energy. Damn! I do hope I meet people with great energy this week or soon. Definitely can't tolerate bad vibes now.

Update on job hunt - part 1. Other news - part 2. People can be either highly annoying or helpful. Arrgghhh. Update on part 1: I went for another full night shift, and I'm not sure now. When I was done at the end of the shift, I was like,'This is manual labor but just in the food sphere.' I don't know. I genuinely wanted to quit after, but I couldn't. Not until I got another. I also need it to get my documents. Anyways, it's what it is. I've asked God to just help me in the whole process. If he wants me to get another, I'll get it. If he wants me to stay, he would give me the strength to get through it. Also, listening to this again, I was so tired when I was recording this, lol. (I think it was about 4 am after a night shift). That's why my voice sounded this way. I like the way I sound, though😊.