My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. The baby's almost two. My wife says that the baby wants the dog. My wife has been wanting a dog for a long time. I've had to be the one to tell her that she couldn't have it. But now, the baby wants a dog my wife says. This may be true. The baby is very close to my wife, They go around together all the time, clutching each other tightly. I asked the baby “Whose girl are you? Whose girl are you? Are you daddy's girl?” The baby says, “Mama.” And she doesn't just say it once, she says it repeatedly: “mama mama mama.” I don't see why I should buy $100 dog for that damn baby.

***

Our baby is a pretty fine, baby. I told my wife for many years that she couldn't have a baby because it was too expensive. But they wear you down, you know? They're just wonderful wearing you down, even if it takes years, as it did in this case. Now I hang around the baby and hug her every chance I get. Her name is Joanna. She wears Oshkosh overalls and says, no, bottle, out, and mama. She looks most lovable when she's wet. And when she's just had a bath and her blonde hair is all wet, and she’s wrapped in a beige towel. Sometimes when she's watching television, she forgets that you're there. You can just look at her. When she's watching television, she looks dumb. I like her better when she's wet.

***

This dog thing is getting to be a big issue. I said to my wife: “Well, you've got the baby. Do we have to have the damn dog too?” The dog will probably bite somebody or get lost. I can see myself walking all over our subdivision asking people: “Have you seen this brown dog?” “What's his name?” they'll say to me, and I'll stare at them coldly and say, “Michael.” That's what she wants to call it: Michael. That's a silly name for a dog. And I'll have to go looking for this possibly rabid animal and say to people: “Have you seen this brown dog, Michael?” It's enough to make you think about divorce.

***

I looked at some dogs at “Pets o’ plenty,” which has birds, rodents, reptiles and dogs, all in top condition. They showed me the Cairn Terriers. The Cairn terriers ran about $295 per, with their papers. I started ask if they had any illegitimate children at lower prices, but I could see that it would be useless. And the woman already didn't like me. I could tell.

***

What is wrong with me? Why am I not a more natural person, like my wife wants me to be? I worry that the baby may jam a kitchen knife into the electrical outlet when she's wet. I put those little plastic plugs into all the electrical outlets, but she's learned how to pop them out. I checked the Crayolas. They made Crayolas safe to eat. I called the head office in Pennsylvania. She can eat a whole box of crayons and nothing will happen to her.

***

If I don't get the new tires for the car, I can buy the dog.

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