“When reactivity outweighs reality,

you’re no longer fighting about the present,

you’re reliving the past.”

One of the hardest parts of conflict is knowing whether our reaction actually matches the reality of the situation, or whether it’s being fueled by old wounds. This is where many couples get lost. They mistake a trigger for truth.

In the heat of an argument, emotions blur perspective. Our nervous system floods with signals that scream “danger!” Yet if we pause and check in with our body, creating even a small gap between trigger and response, something powerful becomes possible. We can ask: Does the intensity of my reactivity actually reflect the reality of this moment?

I teach couples to use what I call the “actuality scales.” Imagine rating an event on a scale of 1 to 10. Some things truly warrant strong reactions, a betrayal or a devastating loss. But most triggers, when reevaluated later, land much lower. If a situation is realistically a “2,” but your reaction is a “9,” that gap reveals disconnection. You’re no longer reacting to the present; you’re reacting to the past.

Joan and Tom learned this firsthand. After a blow-up at Joan’s holiday party, they later revisited the conflict using Neurological Intelligence tools. By asking themselves, “What would I have to believe in order to feel the way I felt?” and applying the TFQ filter, was that belief true, false, or questionable?, they uncovered deeper wounds fueling their fight. With compassion, they began to replace reactivity with understanding.

This practice isn’t about minimizing pain. It’s about perspective. Most of the time, our conflicts don’t deserve the catastrophic weight we place on them. By slowing down and aligning our reactivity with reality, we can disarm our defenses and rebuild what matters most: safety, certainty, trust, and connection.

It’s like using a sledgehammer to swat a fly. The force of your reaction doesn’t match the size of the moment, and in the process, you damage what you were trying to protect. So, think of a recent argument: on a scale of 1 to 10, how big was the situation really, and how big was your reaction?

“I pause to measure my reactions against reality.

I choose perspective over reactivity,

presence over the past,

and connection over conflict.”

Get full access to Neurological Intelligence: Lessons in LIfe, Love and Healing at centerforni.substack.com/subscribe