Hello, and welcome back to Wreaking More Joy.

I’m Janette Dalgliesh, and in this season, Reclaim, we’re digging into the nuts and bolts, the practical solutions, as we continue exploring how women can disrupt outdated BS in our heads and rekindle the romance with our purpose, especially in our working lives.

Last week we talked about cui bono, the question of who benefits from any given rule rattling around in your head.

Today I want to zoom in on one specific word that the brain weasels absolutely love to use when seeking to impose an old rule, because it is one of their most effective tools. And then I’m going to give you the simplest possible antidote.

It’s the word ‘should’.

I’ll use my own example here, because it’s one I find a bit embarrassing, which is usually a sign it’s worth sharing.

I love the people on my email list. I genuinely do. They are curious, thoughtful, purpose-driven women who have chosen to invite me into their inbox, and that is not something I take lightly. Staying connected with them matters to me. It’s something I actively want to do.

So you would think that writing an email to my list would feel enjoyable. Natural. Easy. Letter to a friend easy.

BUT - because my email list is also part of my working life, the brain weasels regularly show up with “Janette, you should write an email to my list”.

And as soon as that happens, the whole thing immediately takes on the energy of duty and obligation. Letter to a friend becomes homework. It becomes imbued with a particular kind of flatness, that mild resistance, that sense of ‘ugh, I’ll get to it’.

Which makes absolutely no sense, given how much I genuinely want to do it.

And that right there is the tell.

When ‘should’ shows up, it doesn’t matter how much you actually want the thing. It flattens everything. It turns desire into obligation. It takes something alive and makes it feel like a chore as dull as tax prep

Here’s what ‘should’ actually does in your brain.

It creates an internal boss - not a kind one or a fair one, but the mean kind we talked about in an earlier episode.

It’s a curt, dictatorial presence that has decided in advance what the appropriate standard is; and usually its voice is rich with a snarky, implied sense of ‘not good enough yet’.

It doesn’t ask what you want. It doesn’t ask what’s realistic. It doesn’t ask what you need in order to actually do the thing well. It just issues the directive and stands there, arms folded, judging.

‘Should’ shows up in every area of life, but it has a particularly strident presence in our relationship with our work.

* I should get that email out

* I should call that client

* I should have set up that pension fund

* I should be doing more marketing

* I should have figured this out by now (double ouch)

Notice the energy of that list. Notice how it lands in your body. That heaviness, the sense of being a little (or a lot) behind, of failing a standard, of not quite measuring up.

It’s not inspiring and it’s not helpful self-reflection.

’Should’ is the brain weasels, running a very effective programme of control, and you deserve better than that.

You might be tempted at this point to go looking for the deeper cause. To ask: why do I resist this thing? What unresolved issue is at play here? Is there some old pattern I need to excavate and examine?

Last episode we talked about the more efficient shortcut; when you notice a rule in your head, ask ‘cui bono’ - who benefits? And if it’s not you, disrupt the rule.

This week, there’s an even more efficient shortcut which can unlock ‘should’ around any topic at all.

Replace it with ‘could’.

That’s it. One word. A single swap.

And the same goes for ‘ought to’ and ‘need to’, because they’re the same thing in different shoes. Swap those too.

For example: ‘I should write an email to my list’ becomes ‘I could write an email to my list’.

And suddenly, a whole set of possibilities opens up.

I could write it today, at the good coffee shop, where I know I do my best thinking

I could dictate a rough draft into my phone on a walk and clean it up later

I could write a shorter one than usual, because my 80% is more than good enough

I could decide that this week, it’s simply not the priority, and come back to it next week without self-punishment

I could do it because I genuinely want to stay connected with these people I love

I could write a letter to my friends

Feel the difference? The energy lifts. Different options appear. The internal boss uncrosses her arms.

‘Should’ is a closed door. It tells you that you are failing some weird pre-existing standard you didn’t set and weren’t consulted on.

‘Could’ is an open door. It tells you that you have actual choices.

Could means: you could do it the easy way, the imperfect way, the way that actually suits how you work

Could means: you could delegate it, barter for help, ask someone a favour

Could means: you could decide it genuinely isn’t a priority right now, and put it down without guilt

Could means: you could choose to reframe it and change how you feel about it, so the drudgery becomes fun.

Do it. Delegate it. Ditch it. Dance with it.

‘Could’ means it is always, always your choice.

Obligation, out. Pressure, farewell. Your sovereignty, back where it belongs.

I said this was simple, and it is. That’s not the same as easy.

Our brains are absolutely marinated in ‘should’.

It is everywhere: in advertising, in the news, in social media, in the voices of people who love us and are just passing on what was passed to them. So the rewiring takes practice, patience, and a great deal of self-compassion.

Here is how to start.

Start noticing the ‘shoulds’ in your head.

You don’t have to change or fix anything immediately. That act of noticing alone starts to create a tiny gap between you and the word. And in that gap is where your power lives.

Play with the swap. Idly speculate on what it would feel like to swap ‘should’ with ‘could’. Sit with the ‘could’ version and see how it feels: exciting? weird? confusing because you don’t know what comes next? scary because it’s new?

There’s no right or wrong response, and you do get to keep the ‘should’ if you need to. You’re just playing and stretching a little.

Some ‘shoulds’ will cave almost immediately, creating an instant feeling of liberation.

Others have been there a long time and will take more patience. Be gentle with yourself either way.

And if the brain weasels pipe up and tell you that you’re just making excuses, that the standard exists for a reason, this is self-indulgent - remember last week we talked about cui bono.

Run that question again. Who benefits from you staying devoted to this particular ‘should’? Is it you? Community? The system?

Not all ‘shoulds’ are the enemy.

‘I should pay my tax on time’ is actually a good friend, even if it does seem annoying. So is ‘I should stop at this red light’.

The ‘shoulds’ worth examining are the ones that leave you feeling smaller, behind, or not quite enough.

If you’d like a journal prompt alongside this: write down three shoulds that are currently living in your head about your work. Swap each one to ‘could’. Then write down what becomes possible when you use the ‘could’ version. Notice what changes.

And if you find that the ‘shoulds’ are very loud and very resistant, and the swap isn’t quite enough on its own, that’s not a sign you’re broken.

It might be a sign there’s something more specific underneath that’s worth looking at. That’s exactly the kind of thing I love to explore together in the safe space of a coaching container - you can find out more at janettedalgliesh.com/rekindle-coaching.

Next week, we are talking about invisible work, and specifically why praising women for doing it quietly and without asking for credit is not actually a compliment, it is celebrating self-erasure. And it is time we talked about it.

Until then, take care of yourself, shiny one, and go wreak some joy.

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