Recovery ReLOVution Show

The stakeholder relationship is really important. Once you understand what it is, you will see it at work in many situations. As a recovery stakeholder, you have a stake in your loved ones’ recovery. You have a stake in seeing recovery stick. So, we coined the term recovery stakeholder. It seemed appropriate and most people that we have talked to that are in this boat agree. The important thing to recognize is that it is a slippery slope for a stakeholder to become codependent with the person that they are in relationship with.        Time Stamped Show Notes: 01:36   She talks about how she can see now that she enabled him as he was growing up . . . just trying to be a good mom that wanted life to be a little easier for her son.   02:13   Aware Appreciation.  04:28   Are you still scratching your head a bit? Wondering, what a recovery stakeholder is? And, even if you are one? Let’s start with defining recovery stakeholders.   09:34   Make sure that you are not enabling the addict and prolonging the inevitable.  10:54   Whatever your relationship is with that person, at a certain point, they have to take responsibility for the issue.   15:38   Sometimes, the only thing we can do is to just confront the craziness that we are in the middle of and say, “That is the addiction talking.”   16:45   I am feeling torn. I hadn't heard from my son in over a week. He texted me yesterday and, once again, blamed my husband and I for what's going on in his life.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes It is helpful to understand the stages of change so that you can recognize them … for yourself and others. Trying to make a change when you haven’t moved to the appropriate stage will do nothing more than increase resistance. At a minimum, that will make the change process way more difficult. As Recovery Stakeholders, there are changes that everyone in the family system needs to make … that will make living with an addict (in recovery or not) much easier. In this episode, listeners will: Learn to ease the struggle that accompanies change Understand what is required to change any habit … and make it stick Discover the warning signs that flash before a relapse happens Time Stamped Show Notes: 02:13 I found this article at Psychcentral and I thought it was really interesting. I had not heard of this particular stage of change referred to in this way previously. 04:57 Aware Appreciation. 07:12 What happens when someone breaks through denial? They move into the next stage of change. It is helpful to understand the stages so that you can recognize them. 07:51 I want to open this episode by going through the Stages of Change with you so that you really understand what we’re working with here. 13:21 You want to focus a great deal of energy on the Determination, Planning and Preparation Stage. Create a good blueprint that addresses all the things … 19:16 It’s safe to say that any habit we’re engaging in is providing some relief. Of course, some habits are healthy and aren’t accompanied by unwanted side effects. 19:58 I see so many stories about multiple trips to rehab … up to 15 times. My 24 year old daughter is in rehab for the first time.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

When you experience an emotional upset – when you’re triggered emotionally, how do you typically react? Do you fight back or withdraw? In this moment, the brain takes action that makes it challenging to think rationally. There are reasons why this happens but, in most cases, it is an overreaction that results in more harm than good. We need to learn to recognize when it’s happening and take it off auto-pilot.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Recognize when they’re overreacting emotionally
• Learn what to do when feeling triggered and reacting emotionally
• Communicate without escalating an emotional situation

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:48 This article was on the Huffington Post. It was titled, “9 Signs You Are Dealing with an Emotional Manipulator.”

06:37 Aware Appreciation.

08:53 When you experience an emotional upset – when you’re triggered emotionally, how do you typically react? Do you fight back or withdraw?

09:22 As we explore this topic today of being emotionally triggered and being in emotional pain, we need to learn to recognize how we respond when this triggering process happens.

16:17 In order to have long-term sustainable healing from this cycle of reacting in a way that’s not really serving you is to allow a period of emotional thawing.

18:48 If you typically react like a turtle, you may find the storms in your life unsettling. In fact, they may be downright frightening.

19:50 My son showed up this morning knocking on my bedroom window wanting to come in and warm up. He has been homeless for several days now since his girlfriend threw him out again.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

When you have an experience that is unpleasant, do you find yourself looking for something or someone to blame for it? And, if your focus lands on someone, do you feel compelled to let them know they have caused you pain? Lastly, when you do communicate your feelings, do you use shaming language? If you’re like most humans, your answers to these questions might stir some emotions. Even a “yes” might be met with thoughts of how your actions are justified. Blaming and shaming is a game that no one wins. There is another way.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Learn how people experience shame
• Differentiate between guilt and shame
• Gain insight into the emotions recovery stakeholders will experience

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:56 This article that I’m going to talk about is from a website called Crosswalk. The title is, “Should you feel shame for missing church?”

04:37 Aware Appreciation.

06:52 When you have an experience that is unpleasant, do you find yourself looking for something or someone to blame for it? And, if your focus lands on someone, do you feel compelled to let them know they have caused you pain?

07:30 As we explore this Blame Shame Game, it’s important to acknowledge that Recovery Stakeholders dealing with an addict are regularly put under an enormous amount of pressure.

14:04 You may be wondering at this point why we would choose to communicate like this when it is so destructive. When we’re dealing with an addict, and shaming them, it’s literally like we’re pouring gasoline on the fire that is addiction.

15:46 Unless you’re living under a rock, you are going to interact with other humans. And, that will naturally lead to conflict at times. There’s no better teacher than experience.

16:39 My children are adopted. We could not have children and to say we were thrilled when these twin boys came into our lives is an understatement. We couldn't wait to be parents.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

Why doesn’t change stick? It defies logic that an addict would muscle their way to sobriety only to fall back into addiction’s trap. Yet it happens over and over. As Recovery Stakeholders, we have a lot at stake. We can relate on some level. We managed to make some change we really wanted to make. And before we even finished celebrating, we found ourselves right back where we started … maybe even worse off. It’s important to understand what causes relapse. Once we understand why it happens, we can get out in front of it to prevent it.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Understand what causes relapse and how to avoid it
• Differentiate between relapse and a “slip”
• Learn the warning signs for a relapse and what the stakeholder’s role is in recovery

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:48 This article that I came across was in The Lasallian and it talks about this program that is focused on training families and helping professionals so that they better understand addiction

05:27 Aware Appreciation.

07:44 Why doesn’t change stick? It defies logic that an addict would muscle their way to sobriety, only to fall back into addiction’s trap.

08:20 I want to start by differentiating between a slip and a relapse. It’s important that we differentiate between these two terms because we’re going to treat a slip much differently than a full-blown relapse.

17:04 Our ReachYES Program at RecoverYES.com … we provide coaching and help point you in the right direction to get the additional help you need to deal with the issues that you are working with.

17:40 We use a phrase often at RecoverYES.com. “Muscling your way to sobriety.” You may have even heard me use this phrase today in this episode.

18:26 My son went to prison for three years for manufacturing meth. He’s been home for several months and I'm starting to worry. He is doing everything correct.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

It is helpful to understand the stages of change so that you can recognize them … for yourself and others. Trying to make a change when you haven’t moved to the appropriate stage will do nothing more than increase resistance. At a minimum, that will make the change process way more difficult. As Recovery Stakeholders, there are changes that everyone in the family system needs to make … that will make living with an addict (in recovery or not) much easier.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Learn to ease the struggle that accompanies change
• Understand what is required to change any habit … and make it stick
• Discover the warning signs that flash before a relapse happens

Time Stamped Show Notes:

02:13 I found this article at Psychcentral and I thought it was really interesting. I had not heard of this particular stage of change referred to in this way previously.

04:57 Aware Appreciation.

07:12 What happens when someone breaks through denial? They move into the next stage of change. It is helpful to understand the stages so that you can recognize them.

07:51 I want to open this episode by going through the Stages of Change with you so that you really understand what we’re working with here.

13:21 You want to focus a great deal of energy on the Determination, Planning and Preparation Stage. Create a good blueprint that addresses all the things …

19:16 It’s safe to say that any habit we’re engaging in is providing some relief. Of course, some habits are healthy and aren’t accompanied by unwanted side effects.

19:58 I see so many stories about multiple trips to rehab … up to 15 times. My 24 year old daughter is in rehab for the first time.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

As Recovery Stakeholders, you know that denial is not unique to someone struggling with addiction. Stakeholders also experience denial … not wanting to accept the reality of their loved one’s addiction. How do we recognize something we can't see? What if denial is actually serving a purpose? Could it be an unavoidable part of the change process? Rather than being frustrated by denial, let’s dig a little deeper to understand it.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Learn when denial can serve a good purpose, and when it doesn’t
• Accept that denial happens, and determine what to do about it when encountered
• Deal with denial and prepare to make necessary changes without denial getting in the way

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:42 This article was on Today.com about David Cassidy. David Cassidy struggled with alcoholism many years ago and had an issue on stage not long ago.

05:00 Aware Appreciation.

07:15 You may have heard that the translation for the word denial is “Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying.” I’ve always had a problem with it because the word ‘know’ doesn’t start with an ‘n.’

07:44 Let’s start by considering why people deny that something or anything is going on? Denial is actually a defense strategy to protect yourself from feeling pain or shame.

13:29 The most common way an addict (or even ourselves for that matter) are forced to deal with and breakthrough denial is that the consequences have become too great.

16:41 Breaking through denial typically requires a pattern interrupt ... a sort of intervention. In a moment of new awareness, we see (or hear) something differently.

17:16 My son told me he's an adult and he can do what he wants. He wants to get high (heroin). He says he's going to keep doing it. Of course, I'm devastated.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

There is tremendous value in expressing appreciation, especially when you do it with regularity. As a Recovery Stakeholder, you are living through a challenging situation. If you’re feeling like the world you live in is just too stressful to find things to appreciate, you’re not alone … and you have an even greater need to practice. Let’s find the motivation and learn how to do it to get the most benefit from it.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Learn why Aware Appreciation is a beneficial practice
• Appreciate the positives in their lives, big and small
• Interrupt negative thinking with appreciation and move past negative emotions

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:43 This article was on Courant.com and it talks about the family’s experience. The person writing the piece is a lawyer.

05:42 Aware Appreciation.

07:57 Why do I take a couple of minutes in each episode to lead you through a mindfulness practice that ends with Aware Appreciation? There is tremendous value in expressing appreciation …

08:30 As a Recovery Stakeholder, you would be totally justified in finding things to criticize and complain about regularly.

12:09 I’m sure you’re thinking “Geez! Dr. Gala, I’m already practicing appreciation. What more do you want me to do?”

14:14 All I can say is just try it. Go get a copy of the Aware Appreciation Quick Start Guide at AwarenessAddicts.com/AA. Do it right now. Don’t delay.

15:36 My daughter got arrested last night. Her boyfriend is trying to contact me … I assume for help bailing her out. I think she’s better off in jail.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

Many Recovery Stakeholders have attended 12-step meetings to show support for the recovery process. While this can be an eye-opener, it can quickly become an act of codependence. Rather, the 12-step program that is appropriate for the Recovery Stakeholder is not the same program that an addict attends. These programs for family and friends of addicts are companion programs with a similar structure. Some find just what they need with these groups. Others find them lacking.

In this episode, listeners will:

• Get an overview of the positives and negatives of 12-step Anon programs
• Learn about Anon programs for Recovery Stakeholders
• Find community resources that may help aid their own recovery

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:33 I like to find stories that help us know this to be true and this one is no different. This story is from a site called Hightimes.com. It talks about marijuana or cannabis, which is a topic that is quite controversial these days.

07:45 Aware Appreciation.

10:00 Many Recovery Stakeholders have attended 12-step meetings to show support for the recovery process. While this can be an eye-opener, it can quickly become an act of codependence.

10:34 The 12-step programs for stakeholders are commonly referred to as Anon programs … Al-Anon, Nar-Anon. CoDA is not really considered an Anon program because it’s not a companion program.

15:13 Some of the limitations of the 12-step programs are related to what I’ve just shared … that everybody is using the same piece of material.

18:22 You may have gathered that I see both sides of the coin where 12-step programs and Anon programs are concerned.

20:30 I'm feeling guilty. I asked my son and his girlfriend to leave my house. I just can't do it anymore more.

RecoverYES.com/Episodes

In this episode of Recovery ReLOVution, we’re going to challenge you to focus on your own healing. It’s not just the addict that needs to recover. YOU need to recover as well. Most Recovery Stakeholders are so focused on helping their addicted loved one find their way to recovery that they have set their own needs aside. You’re not helping the addict find recovery when you’re not demonstrating what it looks like to live a full and fulfilling life. There’s only one person’s healing you can influence and that’s yours.

In this episode, you will:

• Prioritize healing and well-being
• Relinquish control over the addicted loved one’s actions
• Accept that dealing with addicts is traumatizing, and find out how to get help

Time Stamped Show Notes:

01:21 Today, we are talking about healing for yourself and for your loved one. One of the things in the way of healing is trauma.

07:10 Aware Appreciation.

09:24 Can you relate to this? A Recovery Stakeholder shared that she felt guilty because she was celebrating taking the time to have her hair styled.

09:51 I warned you that I’m going to turn the tables on you today. I’m going to challenge you to focus on your own healing.

15:13 What you may find even for yourself is that even if your addict is finding their way through this and they are sober just dealing with sober addict can be traumatizing.

17:57 Recovery Stakeholders are shocked when they meet with a therapist and are diagnosed with PTSD. Actually, it’s helpful to face the diagnosis. It should be taken seriously.

19:00 This is killing me from the inside out. How do I deal with the disappointment?