Reflections from The Rock

Our founders knew a lot about character. It was character that led these three ordinary men to a limestone outcropping 150 years ago. It was character that sparked these men to create “the light of our fraternity.” That same light has illuminated the greatest friendships and the most cherished memories of my life. 

1. Friendships:  Culturally, we are struggling to understand what modern friendships look like. We’ve replaced long-term, “mono e mono” friendships with the digital efficiency of social media. It’s digital, but not deep, and these superficial, digital relationships are part of what’s making men increasingly lonely.

In contrast, both fraternities and team-based sports create opportunities for lifelong friendships. Both encourage the type of bonding that only happens in close proximity.  That comes from having a common purpose. That comes from focusing on something bigger than yourself.

Coach Bill Courtney led an underdog team with uncommon valor. We watched the season unfold in the documentary Undefeated. Coach Bill repeatedly encouraged the Manassas team to “put the team first” and “show some character”. 

“A lot of people think that football builds character. It doesn’t. Football reveals character.” 

-Coach Bill Courtney

“Facebook and Instagram is a poor replacement for a cold beer or two in a dive bar. And studies show that men are growing increasingly lonely, despite the constant connection.”

-Tom Greene

2. Isolation:

A recent analysis of over two decades of survey data on social isolation, published in the American Sociological Review, found that adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends of all people in America. Apparently “pale, male & stale” is an accurate moniker. 

According to a more recent poll, 22 percent of millennial kids say they have “no friends” at all. This despite being widely lauded as the most connected generation in history.

Thirty percent of millennials also say they “always” or “often” feel lonely. Could there be a blooming epidemic of loneliness in our country?

Vivek Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation. And there’s good reason to believe he is correct. 
 

The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men. In 2017, men died by suicide 3.54 x more often than women.

It’s when you screw up and life hits you in the mouth that you have an opportunity to reveal your inner strength.

-Coach Bill Courtney 

“Killing ourselves is one of the few things we do better than women”

Tom Greene

3. Experience

After 50 years on this planet, here is what I’ve learned:

Time passes

Jobs come and go

Careers change

Life goes on

Children grow up

The one thing that stays true and constant through the seasons of life is friendships. Like this poignant photo of Brother-Regent John Hearn (Mu 2000) and his father, Judge George J. Hearn, III. Judge Hearn is surrounded by five Mu brothers, four of whom served the Mu chapter as Commander. This is what friendship looks like.

The Judge passed away quietly at home three weeks later. I wrote more about Judge Hearn’s legacy here.

Solid friendships, like the kind you are building now will serve you for the rest of your life. Who will be in your picture 35 year from now when you need a hand to hold onto? 

Don’t be a Turkey person

-Coach Bill Courtney

”How many of your Instagram followers would attend your funeral of you died today?”

Tom Greene

4. Authenticity

If you’re a professional football fan, you know that the Philadelphia Eagles had a tough season. They lost in the Wildcard game after their quarterback, Carson Wentz, was injured and removed himself from the game in the first quarter. What you may not know is that this physical injury was preceded by another player’s voluntary removal earlier in the season. 

In late November 2019, Philadelphia Eagles offensive lineman Brandon Brooks voluntarily left the game against the Seattle Seahawks. It was the first quarter. You see, he left the game due to nausea and vomiting from anxiety. And he was brutally honest about it.

You can watch a 90 second interview with Brooks here. It’s worth the 90 seconds of your time.

Brooks later tweeted this:

"Make no mistake, I'm NOT ashamed or embarrassed by this nor what I go through daily,'' he wrote. "I've had this under control for a couple of years, and had a set back yesterday. The only thing I'm upset about is that when my team needed me, I wasn't able to be out there with and for them.”

The massive 6’ 5”, 346 pound Guard who played college ball at Miami displayed what most of us cannot fathom. He was open and honest about what was going on in his life. And he did it in the most challenging of circumstances. 

Only by entering new and unfamiliar worlds can a person change society as well as self.

Bill Courtney - Against the Grain

“Sharing difficult or unflattering things about your life does not make you any less of a man”

Tom Greene

5. Wisdom

I’ve had a few rough patches since my carefree days in college. Experiences do not make you wiser. Learning from experiences makes you wiser.