Frequently pat her ass.

Compliment her beauty sparingly.

Draw a picture of her in crayon.

Play “butt spatula” in the kitchen.

Tell her mom she’s a M.I.L.F.

Curse her in a foreign tongue.

Compare her to a chihuahua.

Call her Paris Hilton.

Leave handcuffs in full view.

Drip hot wax on her nipples.

Buy a handgun and let her caress the barrel.

Reenact rayp scenes from movies.

Be impervious to her taunts.

Act cagey.

Hide your money.

Buy her gifts when they’re not expected.

Don’t buy her gifts when they are.

Avoid P.D.A. one day and finger her in public the next.

Bang her within a stone’s throw of:

a church.

a Dunkin Donuts.

a public restroom.

a school playground.

an outdoor wedding.

a caged zoo animal.

Scare her till she pees herself.

Hide sexy post-it notes in her panties.

Get used to saying the words “Enough”, “Shut up”, and “Turn over.”

Look fantastic in a suit.

Look fantastic in casual wear.

Look fantastic in anything.

Sound good.

Smell good.

Kiss good.

Strut around with supreme confidence.

Be uncannily successful at your job.

Blow people away anytime you say anything.

Take six-hour lunches.

Disappear for weeks at a time.

Lie to everyone about everything.

And drink and smoke constantly.

Basically, be Don Draper.