“How do we create emotional safety and help each other regulate these emotions?”

–Tarah Kerwin

Do you keep having the same fights over and over? Do you feel like your partner is just trying to set you off? I’m really excited to talk with relationship counselor Tarah Kerwin about relationship renovation.

We dive into how childhood trauma (big and little) affects our relationships. Even if you think you didn’t experience trauma, Tarah shows us how different experiences can affect how we react to our partners, who tend to trigger us the most.

Many of us are in a transition period, perhaps becoming empty nesters or one person retiring, or stepping more into ourselves as responsibilities for others change. How does this shape our relationship? How can we make decisions based on clarity instead of anger or frustration or fear?

We talk about: 

• How childhood trauma shows up later and how kids can reflect back our trauma
• The three Ps for relationships — predict, plan, prepare
• Codewords to stop overwhelm and resentment
• Tara Brach’s RAIN technique
• Developing emotional safety go through transitions together and making decisions from a place of clarity
• Creating a time to prioritize your relationship

ABOUT TARAH

Tarah Kerwin, along with her husband EJ, is dedicated to transforming couples’ lives through meaningful connection and support. They’ve built not one but two companies, with their second, Relationship Renovation Coaching Consulting and Media, offering coaching sessions to couples worldwide through the innovative Relationship Renovation @ Home Program. Their goal is to provide real tools for couples to thrive, no matter where they are.

The company also features a world-renowned podcast that dives into everything you want to know about relationships, helping listeners navigate the complexities of love and connection. Tarah’s passion lies in helping couples experience less suffering and more growth.

Tarah’s journey into the field began with her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from the Illinois School of Professional Psychology in 2004. After beginning her career as a Marriage and Family Therapist in California, she moved to Arizona in 2010. It was there that she and EJ founded Relationship Renovation Counseling Practice, which set the foundation for their collaborative work.

LINKS

• https://relationshiprenovation.com/

MENTIONED RESOURCES

• https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

DOABLE CHANGES

At the end of every episode, we share three doable changes, so you can take what you've heard and put it into action. Change comes from action. 

Sometimes action gets a bad rap. You can be kind to yourself. You can practice being AND doing, but for change to happen you have to take steps. The way we take care of ourselves is making the steps doable and focusing on one thing at a time. We take time to integrate the change and then move on to the next one. Pick a Doable Change that resonates with you the most to start from. 

Here are three Doable changes that we chose from this conversation. 

• MAKE A CODE WORD. Create a code word that means, “I’m overwhelmed and starting to get resentful” or out of your zone of tolerance. Discuss what you need to do when you use your code word. If your partner chooses one too, respect their needs when they use it.
• SCHEDULE TIME TO FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Even if you are in couples therapy or counseling, schedule time outside to focus on your relationship. Have time regularly where you are together and focused on each other.
• PREDICT, PLAN, PREPARE. At the beginning of the day, stop and think about what’s going to happen. What is likely to make you angry, defensive, hurt, or otherwise challenged? How could that situation be better? Prepare to handle the situation in a way that is less triggering.