Relationships: What About Your Friends?

When you’re a busy, driven, ambitious woman, having real friendships with other grown women can be difficult. It’s not easy to create time, space and energy to nurture relationships - so what are we supposed to do? In this episode we talk about the reality that is creating authentic friendships and prioritizing what we look for in other women. Your episode worksheet: Femmefluence.com/ep16 Key Points from this Episode: Friendship has always been a love / wanna be loved relationship for me.  If you’ve just joined us on Femmefluence Radio, you may have heard my story of being heavily bullied growing up. So bullied that during the summers when we were out of school I was actually more scared than when we were in school - because it gave the bullies (all girls) more time to harass me. I spent a few summers literally without hair on my head because of being what we called in our little town “mobbed” when I was out and about. The few friends that I had, I cherished. But I did dream of a day when I’d have girls around me who not only had my back, but that I could have deep, meaningful relationships with. That I could bring myself fully to. I wanted that Sex in the City life - I wanted my personal Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte (of course I was Carrie because #shoes)... But in my early 20s, instead of making that a priority, I was swept up with marriage, motherhood, career...my few friends growing up were definitely on a different track than me - we had zero in common. I grieved that because the 2 friends I actually had growing up felt so distant. I thought I’d never have life-giving, nourishing, REAL-ationships with women in the way I dreamed ever. I felt envy for those those that seemed to have those girlfriend trips, book clubs, hangouts at church and after-work mixers - and it wasn’t that I wasn’t invited, I just felt that I didn’t belong. But I also knew that the type of women I wanted to become close with had to have at least a few qualities and values that made our interactions meaningful and deep. I abhor small talk so if I was going to spend time away from my kids and career, I wanted to create relationships that had a few things in common: ambitious and unapologetic about it, loved travel, and invested in personal development.  Optional: they had kids or a family life that has high on the priority list without being a victim to it. Also wasn’t overly sensitive and understood that we’re all busy, but were committed to each other in a “be there for you in a kind of way”.  Basically, I was always looking to build a relationship with grown women who genuinely cared. I honestly didn’t know it they existed because of my former programming and beliefs growing up. Plus, let’s get real: LIFE can totally get in the way. But it’s becoming even more important in today’s world (and it won’t be getting easier with technology replacing connection IRL). Western societies have become more socially isolated over the decades because of all of it. And it’s causing major health issues - mentally and physically.  Any amount of increase in our social isolation would be bad news, because friendship isn't just about fun, fellowship and emotional health. Having friends can improve physical health, too.  So my friend listening in here...here’s why WE need to make friendship a priority in our lives - while having discernment around who gets to have our time and energy (because hello, we’re ambitious women changing the world - we need to be sentinels of our time, while being with a squad that supports us) Here are the top 3 reasons why FRIENDSHIP makes us more effective Femmefluencers: Friends may extend your life and generally, make you healthier and sharper People who have strong social relationships are less likely to die prematurely than people who are isolated. In fact, according to a 2010 review of research, the effect of social ties on life span is twice as strong as that of exercising, and equivalent to that of quitting smoking. Friendships also keep your mind sharp - having friends who make you feel like you belong may be a key for better physical health. A 2012 study found that older people's dementia risk increased with their feelings of loneliness. If we live longer (and feel good while living) we can help more people.  Friends influence us (for better or worse) Obesity is contagious, screamed headlines, after a 2007 study that found that when one person packed on extra pounds, his or her friends were more likely to become obese, too. But there was an overlooked bright side to the research, which appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine. Thinness spread like social wildfire, too. Your BFFs can help you through tough stuff As the song goes, We all need somebody to lean on and research on cancer patients finds that when the going gets tough, friends can help because friends can help you cope with rejection Not all social relationships can go smoothly, unfortunately. But when they don't, friends can help you pick up the pieces. [The Science of Breakups: 7 Facts About Splitsville] A 2011 study on fourth-graders found that having friends helped kids cope with the stress of being picked on or rejected by other classmates. The researchers measured cortisol, a stress hormone, in their study participants' saliva and found that being excluded by their peers raised the kids' cortisol levels, probably indicating chronic stress. (Getting picked on didn't raise cortisol levels, the researchers reported in the journal Child Development, suggesting that getting left out may hurt more than getting attention in a negative way.) But the cortisol increase that came with being excluded was less pronounced in kids who had more friendships or closer friendships, compared with those who had few or low-quality friendships. In my 30’s I started getting serious about filling the friendship void I felt in my life. I had a few sweet friends, but in all honesty, they always felt like I had to conform to make it work for them - “Jen how come you’re not coming to the potluck?”  So I started to see how I had to show up to make what I wanted happen. I got therapy specifically to work on this area of my life - relationships. I knew that I had to start with me first and only that would change who would start showing up in my life. I looked for places where I thought grown women would be - and bravely stepped into them (and I hate going to places where I don’t know anyone!). I joined things that I had genuine interest in my life - a book club, a women’s executive group, and scheduled actual play time weekly with my daughters and other moms. If I’m being honest, I hated it at first, but part of making a transformation is 1) being uncomfortable, and 2) seeing it though.  I started inviting people to have small meet-ups over coffee with me - to get out of the house on the weekends and to do one of my favorite things, coffee! My dear friend @Jadah Sellner, has taught me so much about friendship, and has a few tips that she shared on Instagram that have truly made me a better friend.  I’ll let you check it out (her info will be in the shownotes) but the main one that really hit home for me is: Don’t take things personally. Keep asking and inviting - people are busy and it’s usually not personal if they can’t make it.  Whew. Because of my upbringing that felt like the hugest risk - the risk for rejection. But one other thing that I started doing the past couple years is being 100% available for Squad Trips with my 3 closest gal pals - Jadah, Nikki and Nicole. All 3 of us are running global businesses, have families to care for, and travel quite a bit, especially for events and speaking. Still, once a quarter we choose a place to intersect, integrate, be ourselves, catch up, eat meals together and talk about #allthethings. Mostly things that we keep sacred for ourselves, out of the public eye and only shared with people we trust. It’s not inauthentic to not share everything with everyone just because social media gives us the opportunity to NOT filter ourselves. Our time together is a respite outside of our families to discuss anything that’s on our mind, not ready or available for outside consumption. In between, we have a channel on the Voxer app where we can chat it up but there’s no pressure to check-in on a schedule. We jump on when we can, and when we want to share something or ask for support too. Just a few years ago this would’ve been something that I would have not prioritized, but now it’s an anchor on my calendar - an event as important as my business ones, my family trips and my nail + brow appointments, ok?  Making new friends as an adult can feel a little awkward, so here are some ideas to think about outside of what I’ve already shared. Talk about your passion. You’ll attract others who are passionate about the same things as you if you share those things - love reading, music, fashion, science, Peloton? Having shared interests help start creating community and new friends will naturally vibe towards you. Values-driven discernment. This show is all about that, and if you live your life aligned with your values, those that have the same and/or linked values with yours will show up. Mine are autonomy, justice, generosity, legacy and leadership, and I actually enjoy having my own business and love talking about it; for some people that bore the hell out of them. For me, a woman walking her values is the epitome of integrity, and someone I like to spend time with. Be a better friend to YOURSELF. Have you ever done a solo date? Totally enjoyed yourself with yourself? Doing this on a regular basis tells you what you really love, and how you show up for yourself. And that energy radiates with the people you want attract and connect with. Be a contributor and generous, but let your friends know when you’re needing some boundaries around a deadline or just don’t have the energy to hang out. I used to ghost out because I didn’t want them to worry about me, but they ended up worrying about me anyway! Be fluid and flexible too - any rigidity in a relationship never feels fun or good for anyone. I say: be committed, not attached - keep your word and check on your strong friends.  Female friendships are still something I’m fiercely committed to being better at and in order to get better at it, I've realized that there's a certain level of discernment needed in order to know how to call people to their accountability, call people to their integrity, how to not use pink slime against other women and how spiritual bypassing has actually ruined friendships in my life.  Next episode we’ll talk all about that.