As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Teaching your child/teen to repair harm is an excellent opportunity. 

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your child/teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, and caregivers. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome which can harm others or themselves.”^1 These skills grow your child’s/teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child/teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe. 

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a child/teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” Parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support their child/teen in repairing harm to interrupt this cycle.

Children/teens ages 11-14 will naturally make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your child/teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for children/teens to forget to pause before acting. Children/Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that children/teens are developing higher-order thinking skills like consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become the most powerful teaching opportunity for your child/teen as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Guidance for Repairing Harm?

When your eleven-year-old hides a failed test, your thirteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house without parental supervision, or your fourteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance for repairing harm. 

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen heal hurt relationships and make up for mistakes made

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s/teen’s actions and their impact on themselves and others 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to make things right after harm has been done

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, guidance for repairing harm helps your child/teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      build assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure

Five Steps for Guiding Your Child/Teen to Repair Harm

This five-step process helps you guide your child/teen to build the skills necessary to repair harm when poor choices or mistakes occur. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

A child’s/teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^2,^4 Feelings are not right or wrong,  but the behaviors your child/teen chooses may be helpful or harmful in meeting their needs and supporting connections. Though they may act on a feeling in a moment that harms another either through words or actions, they likely won’t consider the impact on others until the harm is already done.

You can help your child/teen start understanding their feelings[4]  by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      You can better understand why your child/teen behaves a certain way.

●      You can begin to teach your child/teen how to understand their impulses and feelings, which will help them manage their behaviors.

●      You can grow their self-control, self and social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are still learning to understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. Consider that adults sometimes do not realize the complex emotions they are feeling. Children/teens will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child/teen are calm, reflect on your child’s/teen’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Does my child/teen have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you after school to talk with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      After validating their feelings, you can also ask how they think others might be feeling.

○      “When your friend walked away, how do you think they felt?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

○      If your child/teen is not receptive to thinking about how the other person feels, that likely means they do not feel heard. Once your child/teen feels seen, heard, and validated, they are more likely to be able to consider the person they hurt. 

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your child/teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. 

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child/teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your child/teen feels. Sometimes, it helps to identify the physical symptoms you’ve observed. “I’ve seen your face get red. Do you get hot when you’re mad?” Making the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having helps raise their self-awareness.        

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the child/teen uncover feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of repairing harm is to grow the skill of taking responsibility through constructive action, such as healing hurt relationships and mending broken objects. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning to understand your feelings and behaviors when your child/teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my child/teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones[5]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your child/teen. 

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence, imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may exclude others to gain popularity. All of this can cause newfound worries.

●      Twelve-year-olds, as they gain confidence and leadership abilities, are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience and find themselves more run down by stress, particularly when they stay up late.

●      Thirteen-year-old boys will show the first signs of puberty, while girls will be almost fully physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be susceptible as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. They will feel an ever-greater sense of peer pressure,, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared., Then they may claim they are “bored” as a way of saving their reputation. However, in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent.

Teaching is different from just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. ^5 This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[6]  when expectations are not met.

Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to scold a child/teen who has made a poor choice, inducing a feeling of shame. Instead, you want your child/teen to feel empowered to take steps toward making something better. Remember that children especially teens, are their worst critics and may already have intense messages of failure generated in their self-talk. Calming down first will take the heat out of your tone and send the message of support for guiding them toward a better decision.Actions

●      Teach your child/teen positive behaviors. Each time your child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      At a calm time, brainstorm healthy coping strategies and make a list together to keep in an accessible location. These might include hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside or riding a bike, getting a glass of water, talking to a friend, writing in a journal, or listening to music.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Children/Teens ages 11-14 are still learning about feelings. Notice and name feelings when a family member is showing an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

●      Teach your child/teen how to repair harm. When they hurt a sibling’s feelings, talk to them about what they could do to help heal the relationship, such as apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other, writing a note, drawing a picture, or offering a hug. Give them options from which to choose. You can gently suggest that your child/teen apologize, but avoid forcing your child/teen to say “I’m sorry.”

●      Model repairing harm. All parents and those in a parenting role make mistakes and have moments when they wish they had parented differently. Use these moments to show your child/teen what repairing harm looks like. Some parents and those in a parenting role may fear apologizing to their child/teen will compromise their authority.  Instead, you are modeling how to repair relationships and build a strong connection with your child/teen. A strong parent-child connection is linked to positive outcomes throughout a child’s/teen’s life.

●      End the day with love. When children/teens misbehave during the day, they often end the day feeling bad about themselves. Children/Teens tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your child/teen if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Trap: If you tell or even command your child/teen to make an apology, how will they ever learn to apologize with feeling genuinely? In fact, apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment since then the control lies with the adult, robging the child/teen of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask the child/teen how they feel they should compensate for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. In the case of repairing harm, following up with your child/teen and helping them to make things better after a poor choice will offer this kind of rehearsal. Practice is necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Accept feelings. If you will help your child/teen manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings -- even ones you don’t like. When your child/teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help care for yourself? Would your calm down space help you right now?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you are able to heal your relationship with your sister.” This practice will prepare your child/teen to use it when they require your attention, andare tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Offering them a choice, even if small -- “Do you want to talk to her directly or write her a note?” -- can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision making.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to improve things. That’s how you heal  the relationship.”

●      Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your child/teen anytime, anywhere, it’s important to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed.^5

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused harm, they...