Why Repairing Harm?

Eight-year-olds are working on understanding and applying rules in various situations. They are seeking independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on how to repair harm caused to a relationship or item. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. Research confirms that children are in the process of developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect. This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling. 

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you to play with someone else at the playground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.

○      “Your sister cried when you said those unkind words to her. How might she be feeling?” 

○      “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help your child uncover feelings.

 

Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Understanding your own feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what your child is learning to do.

●      Model behaviors (and your children will notice and learn!).

●      Teach positive behaviors. Children need to learn the positive behavior that can replace inappropriate behavior.

●      Create a calm-down plan. “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?”

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Brainstorm coping strategies and make a list together, such as hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feelings words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”  “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother because it hurts his feelings.”

Tip: Deep breathing removes the chemical that has flowed over your brain, allowing you to regain access to your creativity, language, and logic rather than staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your child can offer them a powerful tool anytime, anywhere, when they feel overwhelmed with heated emotions.

 

Tip: Play feelings-guessing games with the family. At a meal, share facial expressions showing a range of emotions and guess which they are. 

 

Trap: Though it can sometimes feel like it, there are no “bad” emotions. Every feeling is a vital message from ourselves. Because feelings are an instant interpretation, we always have the opportunity to reinterpret our response.

 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make things better with your sister.”

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would your calm down space help you feel better?”

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. “Could you talk to her directly or write her a note?”

●      Recognize effort: “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought. That’s how you heal the relationship.”

●      Proactively remind: “Remember what helps you feel better? What can you do?”

 

Tip: After a tough day, your child may internally beat themselves up for what they did and said earlier. So, end the day with love. They need to hear that you love them NO MATTER WHAT on those days.

 

Trap: Don’t constantly repeat yourself when children are angry or upset. Children often need more time to calm down, regain perspective, and move on. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they can take steps to self-manage. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can do what you need them to do.

 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You will see Julie today. How will you tell her you are sorry for your words yesterday?”

●      Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, including stress, frustration, and anger.

●      Promote an “I can” belief. Children must hear that you believe in their ability to mend their relationships.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

 

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed you made up with your sister before I said anything. That’s the way to be a big sister.”  

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when an effort to repair harm has been made.

Tip: Be specific. “Good job” does not carry much meaning. However, a specific compliment about a pointed behavior—“You took some deep breaths when you got frustrated. I love seeing that!”—can promote more of the same.

 

Trap: If you focus only on outcomes—“You didn’t argue with your sister today,” for example —you miss the chance to influence the process. It's better to say, “You were helpful today. I appreciate that.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Repairing Harm Age 8 Summary. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

 

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

 

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University