[00:00] The past, how do you view it? How does it impact your life? Do you find yourself dwelling there with sweet memories or perhaps the past haunts you with regrets or the what ifs or should have been? The past is powerful. It can be wielded as a powerful tool for growth or conserve as shackles keeping us in bondage, impaired and imprisoned and preventing us from living a joy filled life. I liked this quote. Past is a place of reference, not a place of residence. Does this quote resonate with you? Your unique past can be used as a reference point to learn and grow or are you residing there in the past hidden away with memories, both sweet and bitter. The past it raises its head often and tries to loudly declared that this is the way it is, the past. It can be used as a tool for shame to slither in with regret and condemnation impacting life now and the future. [01:14] The past use this way serves no purpose but to ensnare and entangle each of us preventing us from living life on purpose and in our purpose. Ann Voskamp says that no amount of regret changes the past and no amount of anxiety changes the future. Sandra Vernon here and you are listening to the art of connection. On today's podcast, I will be talking about how the past can be used as a reference point while living in the present, as it also impacts the future. So the past. What comes to mind when you think of the past? Are you thinking of your time as a new bride or in a new career or perhaps further back to your school days? Perhaps you think about your time as a mom, joyous times yet often filled with regret because you wish you would've done this or that differently. With each memory. The question often arises as to why did I do this thing this way? [02:22] Or why didn't I do this thing this way? Why did I allow my children to have smartphones so early? Why didn't die allow my children to have smartphones earlier? Why didn't I push my children to stick with learning music? Why did I push my children's stick? With learning music, you get the idea, the past dredges up wise, which really there's no answer except that you did or you didn't do that particular thing at that moment. It's in the past. There's no answer to the why and it's okay because I am convinced that we do our best at the moment and each season of our life. Hindsight, looking back, as the saying goes, it's always perfect. It's always 20 slash 20 vision. Looking back on the past, there is more clarity, and I'll talk about this more in a bit, but looking on the fat back on the past, it does not do any good to ask the why questions. [03:30] There's no real opportunity for growth with the why questions, why keeps us stuck in regret and oftentimes with that regret is shame. The question that does help in looking at the past as your reference point, the question that does help are the ones that start with what? What can I learn from this experience in the past? What insight might I glean from this situation? How might I have done things differently and what can be applied to the now? Because no amount of regret, the asking the why questions, why did this happen, why did I do this? Why didn't this happen? No amount of those questions or those regrets will change the past, but only further wound our soul, the past. It impacts the person you have become just as water flows through a canyon. Over time it carves out the channels whether deeper or wider. [04:36] So to the past, it creates channels in our soul that run deep and wide. If we focus on it too much, and here's what I'm suggesting for us today, not to live life. Looking back, can you imagine driving and using only your rear view mirror to drive? It would be catastrophic. So my suggestion is that we live life forward. We learned from looking back, but we are designed to live life forward. You and I can always look back and think of the myriad ways we could have done things differently. This is where the hindsight is 20 slash 20. You now have more information, more wisdom, more experience now than you did in the past. So of course you may have done things differently given the opportunity, but how does that help you? Now? It doesn't. It does nothing but keep you in slaved to regret. [05:39] So here's what I suggest. Look back on the past, if the memories are fond and sweet and bring you joy, enjoy them. Let the emotions at the time in the past be felt, but then move on, pondering sweet memories when they letting them cut the deep and wide suite channels of memory to visit and enjoy, but even with sweet memories, we are not to linger away our life living in the past and the parts of your past at bring you pain and I'm convinced we all have pain in our past. I would like to suggest that you allow yourself to visit the emotions, feel them, perhaps even share this with a trusted friend or a wise and trusted counselor, but do not navigate your life in these painful places. Do not live in the past. Have regrets. Do not reside here in the past. That is not what leads for the past is a reference point from which we learn. [06:46] It's not a place to reside, and when you live in the past, especially the negative, painful past, your world becomes smaller. Your life becomes more entangled with bitter emotions that should not have the power it does over you. When you must visit the past as a reference point, remember, that's all it is, a point of reference from which to learn and not to question why. If we try and reside in the past, the entanglement, the stories we begin to create or retail ourselves and embellish harms and wounds our soul, so rather than residing in the past, we must use it as a reference point and then ask ourselves, what might I have done differently that I can apply to my life living forward? What can I learn from this event in the past? How might I develop more empathy for others who are now going through what I went through in the past? [07:53] What choices are before me now that my past will help me make a decision? And if seeking forgiveness is necessary, then do that. Sometimes it is appropriate to go to the person with sincerity and face to face asked for forgiveness. In other cases, it might require a phone call or a letter because of distance, but I strongly advise against direct messaging or texts or any other quick electronic way to communicate that request for forgiveness. If you do not think it wise to seek the personnel you wounded because there may be a real possibility of wounding them again by dredging up things they wanted left alone. Perhaps just write a letter to them with no intention to send it and then ceremonially destroy it. Don't let regret and bitterness holds you in the past by not seeking forgiveness and if you need to forgive someone, do that. [08:58] Forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the pain a person caused you, but rather that you are no longer choosing to allow that person that caused you pain to have power over you, that you are no longer replaying in your mind the consequences. They should suffer for the pain they called you, caused you, and I can say most of the people who caused me pain, really deep pain are not even aware they had yet, if I remain mired in the past, the pain and flipped it on me in the past wounds me still, the only way to relinquish this power over me is to forgive and then I interest God to take care of the rest and this whole process. It's always better together. Seek out that trusted friend, perhaps read her the letter you want to send and either have her help her edit it, toned down the intensity and harshness and unnecessary verbiage will whittling it down until it just a concise message that needs to be conveyed and send it or most of the time, just destroy it. When you destroy the letter, you have the satisfaction of your friend who entered into your pain and you've been heard and understood. [10:24] I have done this time again, time and again, I've poured out on paper, my pain, my rage, my wound, my hurts. I poured it out until it was empty. Of all the bitter emotions, I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and did not judge myself as I felt them. I just poured it all out and after I finished I will then take the letter out to a our fire pit and ceremonially burnet symbolizing that I was done with this part of the past. I wasn't gonna live it any longer [11:01] and if I felt compelled I would then write a wise minded letter keeping the emotions of the past in check. Even then I would not send this letter, the mild version until I had someone read it and edit it or advise that I just burn it to and leave it be. It is a fine balance of when you share and when not to, but I found it. I find it so powerful just to pour my emotions out on paper if only for the purpose of getting it all spilled out on paper and then destroying it. So it is that fine balance of when to share and when not to. When it is beneficial for the recipient and when it is not. In most of my personal cases, I have found it's better to pour out pain on paper and then just ceremonially burn it to ashes and then let the past be. [12:00] If it rears its ugly head again and I've had that happened, I remind myself that it is gone. It's but ashes, and on the very infrequent occasion I go through that whole process again of pouring it all out on paper and I love ceremonies. They are important to life ending chapters, starting new ones, burning those words of painful past. Turning the words to ashes is Cathartic for me and I returned to [inaudible], cancel quote, and I'll finish it. No amount of regret changes the past. No amount of amount of anxiety changes the future and she ends with any amount of gratefulness. Changes the present. My dialysis say it also impacts our future and heels are passed. So I am this podcast thinking of you, dear listener, don't let the past of your life rule you. Don't let your past rob you of the joy for the future. [13:05] Use your past only as a tool to learn and grow and heal. Allow the past to be used only as a reference point, not a place to reside. You are meant for so much more. You are beloved, unique and wonderful residing where you do not belong in the past. We'll keep the wonderful you hidden away from the world. Your gifts and abilities and talents are needed. Don't stay hidden away in the past. Let your beautiful you shine through. Until next time, you've been listening to the art of connection. I'm Sandra Vernon, your host. Please consider subscribing to get the latest and all episodes of the art of connection. You can follow me on instagram or facebook at faces it. Give me a hello on a post telling me you just listened in and I would love to hear from you.