Shame can paralyze us all. For some, it was formed as early as childhood. In this episode, the Junkies share personal stories of past shame, current struggles with acceptance, and ways to build resiliency as we continue on the road of recovery.

 

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Toxic Shame - by John Bradshaw

 

My Name Is Toxic Shame

 

I was there at your conception

I came upon you before you could speak

Before you understood

Before you had any way of knowing

I came upon you when you were learning to walk

When you were unprotected and exposed

When you were vulnerable and needy

Before you had any boundaries

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

I came upon you when you were magical

Before you could know I was there

I severed your soul

I pierced you to the core

I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective

I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt

worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness 

I made you feel different

I told you there was something wrong with you

I soiled your Godlikeness

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

I existed before conscience

Before guilt

Before morality

I am the master emotion

I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation

I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation 

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

I live in secrecy

In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair 

Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door 

Uninvited unwanted

The first to arrive

I was there at the beginning of time

With Adam, and Eve

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems 

I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage

The cruel remarks of siblings

The jeering humiliation of other children

The awkward reflection in the mirrors

The touch that feels icky and frightening

The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust

The righteous condemnation of religious bigots

The fears and pressures of schooling

The hypocrisy of politicians

The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems 

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

I bring pain that is chronic

A pain that will not go away

I am the hunter that stalks you night and day

Every day everywhere

I have no boundaries

You try to hide from me

But you cannot

Because I live inside of you

I make you feel hopeless

Like there is no way out

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy, judgment, power, and rage 

My pain is so intense you must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses. 

My pain is so intense that you must numb out and no longer feel me.

I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist - you experience absence and emptiness. 

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

 

I am the core of co-dependency

I am spiritual bankruptcy

The logic of absurdity

The repetition compulsion

I am crime, violence, incest, rape

I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions

I am instability and lust

I twist who you are into what you do and have done

I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME