What do you do when the two things that you want most in life are in conflict with one another? When Tammy had to decide between staying married or not having a family, she chose divorce and received an embryo donation from her friend, Michael. Although her heart-wrenching situation was unique to her, it’s something we can universally relate to. It’s the harsh reality that we rarely get everything we want. Tammy’s story highlights the difficult trade-offs we often make but also reveals the beautiful experience of becoming a mom – something she had dreamed of for decades.

This is the second part of our two-part episode where we look at the complicated, interwoven and beautifully connected nature of family through Michael and Tammy’s stories. If you haven’t listened to Michael's story, go check it out in Episode 8. 

 

In This Episode: 

 

• [ 1:50 ] Tammy's introduction
• [ 3:03 ] Roadblocks of being gay in the 70s - 80s
• [ 5:05] What is it like to have a deep desire to have a child without any way to achieve it 
• [ 7:50 ] Tammy’s overwhelming joy when she learned that gay marriage was legalized in Massachusetts
• [ 13:46 ] Choosing between her marriage and her desire for children
• [ 19:11] Tammy’s path to surrogacy 
• [ 24:14 ] The legal and emotional process of surrogacy 
• [ 29:52 ] Pre-birth orders and the risk of surrogacy 
• [ 31:35 ] Becoming a parent at 53
• [ 34:32 ] The complicated connection between her daughter’s biological siblings
• [ 38:34 ] Tammy’s definition of family

 

Takeaways: 

 

• Tammy faced an unbelievable ethical conundrum when having to choose between becoming a mom, which she had dreamed of for years and staying married to her partner whom she deeply loved and cared for.
• When gay marriage was legalized in Massachusetts in 2004 where Tammy lived, it was a momentous day for her. In one day, the possibility of marriage and children went from a far-off dream to reality! 
• Tammy’s motto, “Live your life and don’t stop for anyone;” means that although life will rarely turn out like we pictured, when you are true to yourself it will turn out exactly how it should be. 
• The science and options in which we are able to build families is changing more rapidly than our language can keep up with. Even our ability to articulate and imagine the possibilities for ourselves is oftentimes held back by how we were raised. Tammy’s story inspires us to refrain from letting original constructs determine what we could be doing or what we should be doing. 

 

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