My First Time

Saving Ourselves For Marriage: Part 2

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Saving Ourselves For Marriage: Part 2
Next Generation Discipleship and Social Group.

Based on a post by Architect 23 94, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Connected.



As it turned out, I would learn a lot more about the subject

during NG group a couple weeks later. The study that week was on 'integrity in
relationships'. The study material was pretty general and covered all kinds of
relationships, both social and business. However, discussion among the
unmarried college students naturally morphed into a dialogue of biblical
perspectives on dating relationships and sexual purity.

The group consisted of students from very conservative

Powell College, so the conversation was much what you would expect in terms of
defining physical boundaries in dating relationships, avoiding temptation,
abstaining from pre-marital sex, etc.

Emily was sitting a few chairs to my right and noticeably

fidgeted with her Bible cover while others talked about various 'Christian'
guidelines for dating. She listened politely to several volleys of points and
counterpoints before adding her own perspective to the conversation.

"Sexual purity is important, but I think we're getting

lost in legalism and missing God's larger purpose. The whole purpose of
'dating' is to find the spouse God has intended for us. That shouldn't be done
randomly or haphazardly. We should be building serious platonic friendships and
know that marriage is a very real possibility before ever going on a
date."

She continued after a slight pause, "For me personally,

I don't want to 'date'. I want to be attracted to a guy that I already love as
my best friend, and then have him 'court' me as an intentional commitment
leading to marriage."

She hesitated for an instant, then added, "I know that

sounds unromantic and clinical; and maybe I'm being naïve since I've never
dated; but I don't think there would be as much temptation if the relationship
is defined by God's larger plan."

My mental wheels started turning as Emily's comment pivoted

the group's conversation toward God's intent for marriage. Everything she said
made a lot of sense and I spent the next couple days reading the Bible and
studying everything I could find on the topic. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but
analyze our friendship, and my feelings toward her, within that newly
discovered context.

Emily’s note initiative.

The next time I saw Emily was Saturday morning when she

stopped by the hardware store to say hello. Unfortunately, there were a lot of
customers in the store and I was busy helping an older couple choose a new
mailbox. Emily waved while the couple debated between themselves whether or not
to spend the extra couple dollars for a sturdier metal box vs. a plastic one.
She wrote something on a yellow notepad by the cash register, then waved
goodbye as she walked out of the store.

The couple decided to go for the metal mailbox, which I

thought was a good decision, and then I made sure they had the mounting
hardware they would need. I went on to assist several other customers, and it
was probably an hour before I was finally able to look at Emily's note.

Beautiful flowing handwriting was perfectly aligned on the

ruled notepad and read, "Just stopped to say hi! I'll be studying at the
library this afternoon if you are free. Text me." She signed the bottom of
the note with a simple "-E" accompanied by a smiley face and her cell
phone number.

I involuntarily smiled at the sight of her smiley face and

phone number. The smiley face was just cute. The number was a welcome new step
in our friendship.

I saved her number in my phone and texted, "Sorry, I

work until 6."

I did want to see her and, on a whim, quickly hit send on a

follow-up text, "Root beer at Muggs?"

My phone chimed almost immediately, "Text me when you

are leaving the store."

Mr. Jacobs and I locked up the store at 6 o'clock and I

texted Emily shortly after to let her know I was leaving.

The local dog 'n suds type window-service stand was popular

with Powell students and townsfolk alike, and was located just a couple blocks
away from the hardware store. I was there in just a couple minutes and found
the sunny April day had given a lot of other people the same idea. I didn't see
Emily yet, but I figured I should claim a place in the ordering line.

She arrived a few minutes later, fashionably dressed in a

knee length olive-color skirt, light-tan corded sweater, medium-brown tights,
and light-tan laced-boot style heels. We greeted each other with a friendly hug
and then discussed what to order as the line crept forward.

When it was our turn at the window, Emily ordered a

chili-cheese dog, fries, and root beer. I did the same and we both paid for our
respective meals. We shuffled a few steps over to the service window and,
within seconds, received our tray of food. All the picnic tables were occupied
and we waited a few moments as a family stood up and gathered their trash.

Once seated, Emily opened her petite mouth as wide as she

could and fiercely attacked the comparatively huge chili dog. I chuckled at the
odd contrast of neatly-dressed, normally prim-and-proper Emily sitting there
with an overstuffed mouth and chili running down the back of her hand.

She facetiously reprimanded me with a mouth full of chili

dog, "Stop it! These things are hard to eat!"

After talking for more than an hour, we disposed our trash

and exited the corral of picnic tables onto the sidewalk. I didn't want our
time together to end and asked, "Would you like to go for a walk?"

"Yes, that would be nice."

We slowly strolled side-by-side toward the Powell campus as

the sun moved lower in the sky. Remembering back to our conversation about
Haiti, I asked, "Have you made plans for the summer?"

"Yes, and I should thank you for that. I did a lot of

thinking and praying after we talked that day at the hardware store. I'm going
to stay here and volunteer at the Christian school's summer camp for special
needs children."

"That's great, but why thank me?"

"Well, I was encouraging you that God can use you in

great ways in your hometown; which I truly believe by the way; but, I think I
was actually talking more to myself that day than I was you. You made me
realize I strayed from God's calling. I chased the glamour of overseas
adventures when I should have been right here reaching people in my own
community."

She told me more about the summer camp as we slowly followed

the meandering campus pathways, and it made me happy to hear the excitement and
joy in her voice.

The topic of our summers dwindled to a close and we were

content to walk in silence, just enjoying the time together.

After a little while, Emily somewhat hesitantly asked,

"Michael; how did you feel about the NG study last week? You didn't say
anything during the discussion."

We happened to be passing a bench when she asked the question

and I gestured for us to sit down. We did, and I started talking from my heart
without giving any thought to what I was saying.

"Honestly, I hadn't put much thought into relationships

or marriage before that study. Not that I don't want to get married, I do. I'm
just so awkward around girls; er, women; you know that. Dating was never a
relevant subject for me, so let's just say there wasn't an urgent need to study
God's intent for it."

Emily started to interject, "You're;” but

truncated her comment when she realized I wasn't finished with my thought.

"I've done a lot of praying, studying and thinking

since Wednesday. While courtship isn't directly spelled out in Scripture, I
think what you said makes a lot of sense. I believe God's intent is for people
to truly know the real intellectual, emotional, and spiritual soul of the other
person, and to seek God's guidance for them as a potential spouse. I think most
of that can be done within the context of platonic friendship; without the, er;
complications; of traditional dating."

Our eyes met before I very intentionally suggested,

"Mental and physical attraction is important too, but I think everyone
knows that pretty much immediately without dating."

Emily simply replied, "Yes, I think you are right about

feeling attraction right away."

She said it with normal tone and inflection in her voice,

but her eyes gave her away. She had feelings for me, but was waiting for me as
the Christian man to be the leader of the relationship.

I was honest and a thinly veiled in my response, "This

whole idea is very new to me. I know how I feel, but I need to do a lot more
thinking and praying on the subject."

Emily smiled warmly and we resumed our walk with more

mundane topics of conversation.

Thinking and Praying.

I did do a lot more thinking and praying on the subject over

the following week. I knew how I felt about Emily, but I also knew that the
idea of courtship was a huge commitment. Did God place her in my life as my
future wife, or just as a really good friend? The last thing I wanted to do was
take that decision lightly and end up hurting Emily.

The timing was also terrible. The spring term was ending in

3 weeks and we both had geographically separate summer commitments, her at the
Christian school summer camp, and me at Burkee Hardware.

I didn't feel it was right to take the next step with her

then spend the next 3 months apart. I also didn't think it was fair to leave
her in limbo for 3 months and decided we needed to have a real conversation.

I was working at the hardware store that Friday afternoon

and sent her a text, "Are you free tonight?"

She responded a few minutes later, "Yes."

"Hardware store at 6?"

"K"

Emily arrived a couple minutes after 6 o'clock, just as I

was flipping the 'OPEN' sign in the front display window to 'CLOSED'. She
smiled and cutely waved to me through the glass as she opened the creaky screen
door. Dressed fashionably as always, she wore nicely fitting blue jeans and a
white tailored button-down blouse that was thin enough to reveal the subtle shadow
of a lace bra beneath. The outfit was smartly accented with matching black
leather ballet flats, belt, and handbag.

The screen door squeaked shut and I greeted her from the

front display platform, "Hi Emily. Would you mind closing the solid door
and flipping the lock?"

"Sure."

She did and we gave each other a brief hello-hug after I

stepped down from the platform. We sat facing each other in a couple old wood
benches next to the front counter. Emily placed her handbag on the floor next
to her, then sat rather formally on the bench with hands folded in her lap.

I had been building up courage for the conversation all day

and couldn't bring myself to make small-talk.

"I've been doing a lot of praying since we talked last

Saturday, and I would like to talk with you about it some more. I'm probably
going to stumble my way through this, so please let me get everything out
before you respond."

Emily mouthed an almost silent, "Ok," while she

sat with a concerned expression on her face and nervously fidgeting hands.

"Emily, I want you to know that you are very special to

me. From the day I met you Freshman year, I thought you were amazing. I was
just a stranger to you that day, but you overlooked my awkwardness and
genuinely cared about me as a person. And not just me, you treat everyone you
meet with that same authenticity. You are truly a gift to everyone in your
life."

My eyes began to swell with tears as I spoke, "I'm so

thankful for the time we've been able to spend together this year. You're my
best friend; and I think maybe God brought us together to be more than friends;
but I'm scared;”

Emily brushed away tears that were streaming down her

cheeks.

"I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you;”

I gathered myself for a few moments before continuing,

"I want you to know that I take any commitment to courtship, and to you,
very seriously. As much as my heart is screaming at me, I don't think it's wise
to make an emotional decision right now; or for us to start that kind of
commitment as a long-distance relationship over the summer."

We were both openly crying. "I'm so sorry Emily. I hope

you can forgive;”

She interrupted me, "Michael! These aren't sad tears.

You are the most incredible man; and my best friend. These are tears of
happiness that you have the same feelings for me as I do for you."

We both stood and organically melted into each other's arms,

my shirt absorbing her tears as she nestled her head against my chest.

Her voice was muffled by my chest when she said, "I

appreciate that you are seeking God's plan us, and not just following our
emotions. I'll be here when the time is right, no matter the answer."

I truly appreciated Emily's graciousness and patience, but

it was still a very unsatisfactory conclusion for me. I suspect it was for her too.

Unspoken Understanding.

Emily and I spent as much time together as we could before

the school year ended. In an unspoken understanding, we put aside serious
relationship topics and just enjoyed a simple, everyday friendship. One of my
best memories of that period, was when Emily stopped by the store for one of
her normal 'hello' social calls on the last Wednesday of the school year.

I had promised Mr. Jacobs that I would price a recently

received shipment of new inventory before leaving for the summer. He was
old-school, so that meant manually stickering each item with a pricing gun. I
was just starting the process when Mr. Jacobs directed Emily toward the stock
room where I was busy opening boxes.

There was a lot to do and I convinced her to help apply

pricing stickers while I focused on opening boxes and making count tallies on
the inventory sheet. I gave a quick training session on how to use the pricing
gun, then watched in amusement as her slightly OCD personality expressed itself
through the pricing gun. She would carefully verify the listed price for each
item, set the dial on the gun, then meticulously apply the stickers so they had
the same location and orientation on each item.

We worked well together and made it through most of the

boxes by closing time. I left a few items for last because they needed a
special vendor symbol added to the sticker. Rather than teaching Emily, I
dialed the symbol on the gun and quickly slapped on the stickers, much too
haphazardly for her liking.

"Hey! Give me that!"

I mischievously mocked, "What?; this???" while

holding the gun over her head.

She jumped unsuccessfully to reach it and I retaliated by

slapping her shoulder with the gun, leaving behind a $3.49 sticker.

She protested futilely, "Stop! Not fair!"

I held the gun back over her head using both hands to adjust

the dial, "You're right, you're worth more than that. How about
$5.99."

She playfully punched my stomach and laughed uncontrollably

while I landed a dozen more pricing stickers on her back and arms.

I reveled in hearing the pure innocent joy in Emily's laugh

and let my guard down a little too much. She swiped the gun out of my hand and
proceeded to dance like a boxer while occasionally landing sticker hits on my
legs and torso.

Mr. Jacobs must have heard the commotion. He opened the

stock room door to find Emily dancing around me with the gun, and both of us
covered in price stickers. I made the mistake of looking toward the door, and
Emily took the opportunity to land three more quick shots. Mr. Jacobs thought
that was the funniest thing ever and his booming laugh joined ours in echoing
through the building.

Separation Woes.

Emily and I hugged and cried as we said goodbye for the

summer. We talked on the phone at least once every day and texted constantly
that summer, sharing every little detail about our days.

True to Emily's encouragement over the last year, I was much

more intentional in my conversations with everyone; friends, family, customers,
acquaintances; everyone. It was transformational to develop 'real' relationships
with people that I had known superficially for many years and, in two
instances, to be able to see them come to faith in Christ.

When the Burkee's returned from vacation at the end of the

summer, I insisted on taking them out for dinner at a really nice 'big city'
restaurant. Well, it wasn't 5-star, but it was the best restaurant in the next
larger town a half hour away.

It was the final year of our annual tuition-vacation

arrangement and I wanted to thank them for all they had done for me. I
expressed a sincere debt of gratitude that I didn't think I would ever be able
to repay, but they repeatedly assured me it was a mutually beneficial situation
and, if anything, the outstanding debt was on their side of the ledger.

The extended summer vacations had brought back a connection

in their relationship that they hadn't felt since they were young. In fact,
they were hoping that they could work out a similar agreement with another high
school student they had hired and come to trust.

Strangely, being physically apart from Emily for the summer

allowed me to gain clarity. She was everything I could ever want or need in a
life partner. We were spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally aligned. She
was my best friend, and a beautiful person inside and out. We simply made each
other better. And most of all; I realized what I felt was more than fleeting
attraction. I resolutely believed that God meant us to be together.

Talking to Her Father.

Back in Powell on Tuesday before classes started, I was

eager to see Emily but first needed to talk to her father.

The Fulton's were a very conservative and traditional

family, like Powell College itself, and I wanted to honor that. I can't say I
knew her parents well, but Emily had introduced me at church and I usually had
short exchanges with them on Sunday mornings. Dr. Fulton was a pleasant, though
formal man of average height and build. Mrs. Fulton was simply an older version
of Emily in every way, both appearance and personality.

Professors were required by the college to hold open office

hours the week before classes, and I knew that would be my best opportunity to
find him without Emily knowing. I knocked on his door early Tuesday afternoon
with a firm response of, "Come in."

I opened the door and stepped in, "Hello Dr.

Fulton."

He started flipping through some papers on his desk and

spoke inquisitively, "Hello Michael. Are you enrolled in one of my courses
this term?"

I felt the unconscious need to match his formality,

"No, sir. This call is of a personal nature. Would you prefer I contact
you outside of office hours?"

Intrigued, he set his reading glasses on the desk and leaned

back in his chair, "What can I do for you Michael?"

"It's about Emily, sir. I have had the privilege of

getting to know her over the past three years, and think she is an amazing,
Godly woman. We've become very good friends and I believe God may have larger
plans for us."

I paused briefly without receiving any immediate reaction

from Dr. Fulton, then continued, "I would like to ask your permission to
pursue a relationship with Emily."

"Define relationship."

"Courtship, sir. I would like to court her with the

intent of progressing our relationship toward marriage."

Seemingly satisfied with that response, he asked, "Have

you talked about this with Emily?"

"We talked about our growing feelings for each other

before summer break. I think we both knew we were heading this direction, but
God really gave me clarity over the summer. With your permission, I intend to
ask her tomorrow."

"Are you committed to the Biblical model of

marriage?"

"Yes sir."

"That includes being the spiritual leader in the

relationship, loving and honoring Emily as Christ would the Church; and
upholding her purity before marriage?"

"Yes sir."

"Very well then. You have my permission."

He stood to shake my hand, "I know she fancies you. I

suspect I'll be hearing news soon."

Carnival.

That afternoon, the Christian sc

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