How do you sum up a gay cruise for the uninitiated? For Swish Edition's Dale, Scott & Steve, our first Atlantis cruise disproved many of the preconceptions we brought onboard. Yes, “floating bathhouse” was at the top of all our lists, too. But when you get 5,000 gay guys (and a whopping 78 chicks) on the largest cruise ship in the world, surrounded by miles of water, 22 bars and all-night theme parties, hyper-gayness is bound to boil over. But it’s not like hairless, chiseled 20-something models were screwing on the poop deck for all to see 24 hours a day.

It’s bacchanalian, sure, but not a balls-to-the-wall, free-for-all orgy at sea. Last week’s cruise on Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas sailed from Ft. Lauderdale on a 7-night itinerary that included ports of call in Labadee, Haiti and Costa Maya & Cozumel in Mexico. And despite the unfortunate (and according to official reports, self-inflicted) tragedy of a fellow passenger going overboard—and a medical “Alpha Alpha Alpha” here and there—fun was had by most everyone onboard.

We were most pleasantly surprised to find that the passenger roster included every walk of gay life (and a handful of straights) from the requisite hairless twinkie boys to the fully adorned leather daddies. From sweet (looking) grandfatherly types to the random flamboyant queen with a man-purse. Average Joe couples to swingin’ singles. And of course those 78 women, including a fair number of lesbians and a random fag hag. Atlantis welcomes a diverse cross-section, typically not portrayed in carefully crafted marketing photos.

Sure, we understand marketing, so we’re not blaming them for pushing the sexy, but please know that if you’ve got a little bit of a belly, and you’re not manscaped to the hilt, you’ll still fit in just fine. As long as you like to party.

The floating cocktail party happens around the clock with dances under the stars most late nights featuring the hottest deejays on the high seas (with themes like “Mardi Glow” and the classic “White Party”); the rousing, costumed afternoon t-dances in the Aqua Theater (gotta give them fun titles, too, like “Over The Rainbow” and “Dog Tag”); smaller-venue events with themes catering to lovers of 90’s music, bears, and leather; mixers for singles; a pre-dinner party for couples; a place for women to be women; and so on.

Our favorite part at all the parties was people watching…hands down (or should I say, pants down?). When past cruisers told us that many pack an extra suitcase just for costumes, they weren’t kidding. Since everything is themed and advertised in advance, there’s ample time before embarkation to shop for rainbow striped jockstraps and matching knee-high socks, full Storm Trooper outfits, an entire leather get-up, outfits that glow in the dark, full military dress uniforms, elaborate headdresses…the list goes on and on. (We’d love to show you photos, but Atlantis keeps passengers’ privacy a high priority. Another reason you’ve got to go see for yourself!)

Of course, if a tired body wanted to escape the pounding beats and wild soirees, it was easy to slip into the Champagne & Martini or The Rising Tide bars for a quiet cocktail, conversation with a new friend or two, and the aforementioned people watching.

Entertainment? We certainly weren’t at a loss for options. To name just a few, Broadway and “Glee” star Idina Menzel packed the house with her booming voice and hilarious banter. Miss Richfield 1981 and Dixie Longate brought the props for their classic shows. The Allure cast staged an amazing high dive show as well as a pared down version of the musical “Chicago.” Cuties Travis Wall & Nick Lazzarini from TV’s “So You Think You Can Dance” fame taught the cruisers how to move. And a gaggle of comedians like Alec Mapa, Erin Foley and Bruce Vilanch kept the laughs coming.

“It’s mostly bottoms that come to our shows, so they are very receptive,” another comedian, New York City-based Chris Doucette, explained.

Royal Caribbean is known for their food and from extensive buffets, 6-course specialty restaurants, a Mexican cantina, a Johnny Rockets, the traditional dining room, and about a dozen other options available around the clock, the largest gym at sea certainly saw its share of guys working hard to keep the pounds off. A massive spa offered up Botox, acupuncture, massage and haircuts. The ship’s shopping boutiques were all transformed to appeal to the gay demographic. The casino was made mostly non-smoking for the health conscious. And the very highest level of the pool deck was made over into a clothing optional oasis for the so inclined.

And the only way I can truly sum it up is to say that there is absolutely something for everyone on a gay cruise, so if you’ve been apprehensive, rest assured, you’ll have a blast, feel comfortable in your skin, eat like a king, be entertained constantly, meet new friends from around the globe, and you’ll get lucky, too, if that’s your thing. We certainly enjoyed our working vacation and thank Atlantis for including our talk show as an official part of the voyage*. You can hear the segments we recorded in the Allure’s On Air Club below, including some of our stories from the cruise (an old dude secretly photographed Scott, another tried to offer Dale a cash tip, and Steve may have found “Love in a Hopeless Place”) plus our hilarious chats with comedians Jim David, Chris Doucette, Alec Mapa & Erin Foley as well as Travis Wall & Nick Lazzarini from TV's So You Think You Can Dance. Get ready to laugh, because a comic’s perception of gay cruisin’ will have you in stitches.