CONFLICT IS GOOD! Loving conflict is the way that two separate adults make sense of not being the same person! Problems arise however when the conflict becomes aggressive and controlling…when we are no longer working toward resolution, but to get our way! Couples often turn conflict into a win/lose game. Who is going to get what they want? At that point many conflicts turn into a fight. A fight is about trying to stop my hurt or your control - by hurting and controlling you!! A fight is about trying to get what I want over you. And these win/lose, hurtful relationships never build closeness.