Its ok to talk about not being ok no matter where you are at in life.

[Music]

thank you guys for tuning in to

victorious and recovery

so over the last few days i've

gotten pretty much

all the way moved into my new apartment

and i've had some time to

just kind of get acclimated a little bit

you know and everything

is going good so far

really

but somehow my stress level

has

gotten

a little weird

i'm not sure if it's the move or

the expectation or

just

thinking about the future too much i'm

i'm not sure what to make of

how i've been feeling

to be honest

i feel peace about where i'm at

about

the decision to be here

i love the people

i love having my own space again so

there's there's just been this thing and

some of my friends have been like oh no

that's just what's going on with

everybody but

i can't put a lot of stock into that you

know um

when when i feel something is off i i

have to examine it

internally i have to

at least

feel like i tried to narrow it down to

something you know

that in itself is stressful

so

let me tell you how it's felt

i'm excited to be in a new place

i

have all the things i need

i got to have my son

this weekend and

as far as i can tell he enjoyed his time

here too

i've been a little worried about my

finances i've been a little

distracted with that but other than that

like on the surface

everything is

just looked really good really bright

so

to say that it's

a little surprising a little frustrating

to

feel

not at ease right now is an

understatement

and i i think that may be

a big cause of

of just why i'm frustrated because i

don't get it

and you think by now i would because

this happens to me

often

so

like am i really surprised no

no i'm definitely not surprised

what i am is having a harder time

talking about it than i used to

and and that's kind of

what i wanted to talk about today

because

i know

that days aren't always going to be easy

i know that there's going to be days

that i don't feel good and i'm just not

going to know why

it's just going to kind of come and go

and

things will get better or

they'll just

fade away

whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen

and i'm i'm gonna survive

i'm gonna do just fine

but talking about it while it's

happening which i know helps me

gets harder and harder

and it's not that people discourage it

it's not that i think i'm above it

there's just this

expectation

that nobody else sets on me but me

right

at some point during this process of of

recovery i reach these little milestones

where for some reason my mind wants to

tell me that i need to be better than i

am

at that moment

so that that creates this blockage

because any time that i

set myself apart

from the normal everyday joe i

isolate

any time i feel like i'm

different

special in some way because of

the podcast or because of

a new position at work or

because i

happen to be the guy that has the most

time in a meeting

anytime that thought comes to mind

there's this automatic blockage

that says i have to be better than i am

and and i can

know

that that's not the case all day long

and it it doesn't always help though

i still have to

make myself remember

that there's never gonna be a day where

where i don't

that i don't have the responsibility to

share

there's never gonna be a day that i

don't need to open up

there's just not a time or a place where

i can afford to set myself apart

so much that i stop sharing that i stop

being real

and i i don't think that that's what's

happening right now you know i don't

think that that's what's causing my

frustration right now but it is

it is something i felt

when i started thinking about doing the

podcast i'm like

what am i gonna share

i've been so up in my head that i

haven't

taken any notes for the last few days

i haven't really been able to soak

anything in that i've studied

it took everything i possibly had to

make it through today

without losing my patience without

having some sort of

outburst

and i felt it lingering inside me all

day

there was something that just wan