Episode Summary

When asked about the most challenging aspects of self-care, people consistently mention three interrelated struggles: creating boundaries, saying no, and prioritizing time. In this episode, we explore how traditional boundary-setting advice often falls short, and introduce three foundational principles that make boundaries feel less like a struggle and more like an expression of self-respect. Whether you're highly sensitive to others' emotions or simply find yourself overcommitting, these principles will help you reclaim your time and energy without the guilt that often accompanies boundary work.

If you struggle with boundaries, you might recognize these patterns: overcommitting your time and emotional resources to others' problems, overextending yourself because you fear saying no, or allowing external circumstances (like other people) to dictate your moods and priorities.

This can look like losing half your day because a colleague "sucked you into their negativity and drama," feeling perpetually exhausted from helping someone who never changes, or having meaningful gatherings ruined by the burden of managing difficult relationships.

Rather than offering yet another set of techniques that you likely already know, this episode takes a different approach—focusing on the underlying principles that make boundary-setting feel natural rather than forced.

This means recognizing that you're not responsible for someone else's actions and feelings, nor is someone else responsible for yours. Though simple in theory, this principle becomes complex in practice because of our upbringing and cultural conditioning.

As children, we relied on others to understand and regulate our emotions because we lacked those skills ourselves. Common phrases like "eat your veggies and make mama happy" shaped our perception that we're responsible for others' emotions.

The trouble begins when we develop patterns of neglecting our needs to accommodate others. Over time, we lose our sense of self and what we truly want.

Asking for what we need is fundamental to self-empowerment. As long as we're not expressing our needs, we're not fully participating in creating our circumstances—we remain passive recipients waiting for things to happen to us.

Think of your sphere of control as the innermost of three concentric circles. This represents everything you have full control over. The middle circle is your sphere of influence—things you can affect but not control. The outermost circle contains everything beyond your control.

When we focus outside our sphere of control, we drain our energy and increase stress. Conversely, focusing on what we can control—including expressing our needs—empowers us and reduces stress.